Four things that SOUND cool, but aren't...

Tags: in

Posted Mon, May 18, 2009 by Coyote

Some things simply sound cool. We covet them, fantasize about them, and dream of the day in which we can achieve those fantasies through actual technology. The problem is:

Some things SOUND a lot cooler than they actually ARE.

It is the old problem of theory over practice, which has plagued man for more years than I could be bothered to look up or actually make an educated guess on. When something sounds cool, we get excited. Our minds race, our imaginations soar, and we envision ourselves leaping to new heights as we climb even further up that ladder of evolution.

But what about the things that we see as cool, that in reality…aren’t? Without further ado, because ado is expensive and we are in a recession and have to ration it carefully, we bring you:

“Four things that you would think were cool, but in reality probably suck rather badly.”

Space Travel

Why it sounds cool: Because we love space.

We love spaceships and aliens and the thought of boldly going where no man has gone before, exploring space, and meeting with extraterrestrial life.

Space is the ultimate mystery, and we want to unravel it so that we can gather the treasures that we know it contains.

Why it REALLY isn’t: Because in order to GET to space, you have to be shot INTO space, which isn’t really as high-tech or as impressive sounding as NASA would have you think. Sure, the space shuttles are cool, and really well engineered and take a certified genius to run, but when you step back and look at it objectively…

…they’re strapping you to a giant gas tank and igniting it.

That’s it.

THAT is the modern and high tech solution to putting something into orbit – they’re tying you, the human Barbie Doll to a bottle rocket and lighting the fuse. And exactly how’d that work out for your sister’s favorite toys?

There is no beaming, or warp drives – no transmitter assembly or cool portals to walk through; in the end it is you just you, a big friggin’ bottle rocket, and some smarter kids stepping back and hoping that they don’t get into trouble.

“But being launched into space SEEMS pretty safe. The scientists at NASA seem to know what they are doing…”

So they’d have you believe.

Space is littered with the frozen-yet-still-adorable bodies of monkeys, dogs, and the guy who got a D minus on his NASA astronautics exam. We are man, and we screw stuff up. Nothing complicated EVER goes right the first time, and no matter how much control, study, or safety protocol they put into it – in the end?

THEY’RE LIGHTING A FUSE UNDER A BILLION TONS OF ROCKET FUEL.

Call me kooky, but I’ll keep space travel in my dreams.

Bear armor

Why it sounds cool: Because that means you can fight a f***ing bear.

There is no way that you can be topped at work as you stand around the water cooler and discuss your past weekend’s events.

~*~ “What did you do this weekend Ted?”

“Oh me? I won the lottery, had sex with a bunch of supermodels and discovered the cure for herpes, cancer, aids, and the dreaded Herpanceraids. You?”

“Me? Wow…nothing that impressive I guess. I just FOUGHT A F***ING BEAR.”

“Man…I never do ANYTHING cool.” ~*~

Why it REALLY isn’t:

Because even with Bear Armor, in a Bear Suit, with Bear weapons, you are *STILL* fighting a f***ing bear.

Which I imagine, sounds a LOT cooler than it really is.

Bears are mean. Bears can reach almost 2000 pounds, and bears can turn just about anything that annoys them into something that USED to annoy them, but now just sits there and bleeds in the blink of an eye. They’re super strong, hard as hell to kill, and you waddling around like a knight of old into bear country is just going to piss them off.

Sure, you might be in your Bear Armor, and yes – it might have been tested in the field. But there was no way it was tested for every possible scenario, and despite looking like the big dumb lumbering Jethro’s of the back woods, bears are pretty frigging smart.

They will fine ways to hurt you. They have nothing else to do, nothing else on their schedule, and you do the lunar walk through their territory will just inspire them to think outside the box. Maybe they’ll just knock you down and pee on you. Maybe they’ll just sit on you until you die of starvation and dehydration, or maybe they’ll be so turned on by your invulnerability that they hump the bajesus out of you and your giant tin can.

Yeah, you might live. Sure, you might be unharmed. But for the rest of your life you are now knows as the “guy who was humped by bears”. You’ll be mocked, laughed at, posted on YouTube and never EVER feel “unsticky” again.

Bears are like that man. They get in your head.

Sharksuit

Why it sounds cool: Because sharks, like bears, are f***ing scary.

They lurk in the water, unseen until they strike and then it is too late.

Twenty tons of fish pushing a mouth full of razor blades through the murky depths that you can barely see in spells terror for every diver out there. Sharks are mindless, brutal eating machines who just want to chew you up, poop you out, and move on to the next moron dumb enough to try and take their photograph while snorkeling with their family.

But a Sharksuit changes that. It is *bite proof*. It is tear proof. It renders a shark unable to chew you up, and therefore it can’t eat you. Sharksuits put us on equal terms in an environment where we are always at a disadvantage.

Why it REALLY isn’t:

Because you’re still being attacked by a F***ING SHARK.

Do you think that a shark cares that it can’t rip you to pieces? No, because they don’t think about crap like that. They’re the big retarded football players of the sea, and all they know is “get ball, score touchdown”, and ripping you to pieces is only PART of the shark danger equation.

Let’s look at some of the factors that you missed through a false sense of security when you donned the “bite proof suit”, shall we? How about the fact that while BITE PROOF, you are not:

* crush proof
* drown proof
* drag to the bottom of the sea screaming proof
* swallow proof
* weird shark digestion process proof

Okay, he can’t chew you. That just means that the little ones get out of the way so that the BIG ONES can come and swallow you whole. Yeah, it might be hard to digest you, and I’m POSITIVE that they’ll get the shark equivalent of indigestion. But in the end?

Some kids will be poking at a sharksuit full of poop when it washes up on the beach.

It’s a f***ing SHARK.

Bullet Proof Face Mask

Why it sounds cool: Because no matter how awesome your body armor is, you still have a huge fleshy melon that has almost NO bullet stopping powers.

…

…okay, it’ll stop a bullet, but I promise you won’t be HAPPY about it.

Which is why the Bullet Proof Face Mask (with bullet proof goggles) just SOUNDS awesome.

Body armor. Face armor. Weapon. You become an unstoppable killing machine.

A super soldier.

A hero.

Why it REALLY isn’t:

Because in order for this device to work, you HAVE TO GET SHOT IN THE F***ING FACE!

And you know that this thing wasn’t field tested WELL at all. Sure, they slapped it on a couple of hard plastic mannequins and shot them while taking notes and shit, but that’s not the same because YOUR FACE ISN’T MADE OUT OF F***ING PLASTIC!

Plus, it is a proven fact that mannequins don’t flinch.

You can shoot them in the face all god damn day and they’ll just sit there and take it while judging you with their cold, soulless eyes. But you aim a shotgun at a REAL person’s noggin?

They’re flinching.

And you KNOW it.

And don’t use that whole “No, they’ll know they’re protected” crap on me, because we as humans are born with three instinctual fears that override logic and reason. The fear of falling, the fear of loud sounds and the fear of GETTING SHOT IN THE F***ING FACE. Don’t believe me? Think that people are brave when they know they can’t get hurt?

Aim a rubber band at someone and watch that little “rubber band jiggle” dance they do where they lean to one side and bring up their leg like they’re posing for a football trophy.

I have a buddy who flinches when you aim a MARSHMALLOW GUN at him.
A MARSHMALLOW GUN. It shoots MARSHMALLOWS which are never fatal, and often tasty and delicious. Yet you point it at his noggin and his eye twitches as he fights his instinct to cower before the might of puffed sugar vengeance.

Now imagine THAT, but without the marshmallows.

Imagine THAT with bullets. Big bullets. I mean REALLY big ones. The kind that Arnold Schwarzenegger has to dig out of his own heart with a knife in order to save the day in one of his many action movies.

Even if you survive. Even if you are UNHARMED, you have STILL been shot in the face, and bragging rights aside – that has to take the wind out of your sails. You might not be hurt, but you can be damned sure that you are now ready to pick up your toys and go home. Two claps, nothing up the sleeves, tip your waiter, good night you’ve been a lovely crowd.

Our imaginations allow us to stop thinking. They let us daydream and envision ourselves as heroes or badass Bear Boxers – but reality is a harsh mistress, and the MOMENT you take a swipe from a 1600 pound grizzly who wants to hump up on your kidneys…

…the things we find cool no longer seem to be.

Unless you know, it is happening to someone ELSE. Then it still f***ing rocks.

-Coyote

Average: