Dress for success

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Posted Wed, May 27, 2009 by Coyote

Dressing up at conventions and geek shows has become common place.

It is an accepted ritual that many of us have actually come to look forward to – or on rare occasion, join in on our own. Larger venues like Comic Con or Gen Con often have contests, parades, and you can’t go five steps without seeing a Klingon on the cast from Left 4 Dead trying desperately to draw attention away from the fact that their Louis is white.

However, if you ARE going to dress up at these showings and strut your geek prowess for all to see, there are some simple rules that you might want to follow to avoid embarrassment and humiliation by the way of the internet.

“Five costume rules to follow so that you don’t end up on the internet”

Put some EFFORT into it: Face it, nobody likes a half-assed costume.

Slapping on your brother’s Spiderman mask that he bought at Wal-Mart for Halloween and a blue and red t-shirt doesn’t instantly make you part of the costumed elite.

It makes people hate you.

And not just the people who have spent large amounts of time and money on designing that perfect costume – the rest of us will hate you too. Everyone loves a freak show, and a GOOD freak show is worth the price of admission ten times over, but at the end of the day the people who get our love and respect are the people who actually put time and effort into their costume.

Oh sure, we’re pointing and smiling. We’re laughing and engaging you in conversation and getting a reeaaaally close look at your awesome design. Hell, we might be even be taking your picture with enthusiasm.

But that’s not because you were magically transformed into the recognizable character that we all know and love…

…it’s because we can’t wait to upload it to the internet and make mocking “demotivators” at your expense.

Don’t go TOO obscure: Finding that perfect character to emulate is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

Unless you can pull it off better than anyone else, never go for the main character – because that is exactly what everyone ELSE will be going for. A bit of obscurity is a good thing, and picking that guy just left of the spotlight might win you a few nods or looks of dawning comprehension as your very presence stirs memory.

THIS is what you want. This is geek cred it in its rawest form, and when done right, it is an awesome thing to behold.

But don’t go so far out of the spotlight that you are in the dark, because we f***ing hate that too.

If you have to constantly explain your costume, character, or premise despite having worked countless hours on your costume, you’re doing it wrong. Oh, you’re Miko? Alfred’s Brother’s Nephew’s son who was so inspired by Batman that he took up the role of hero and now fights crime as well?

WOW. No one gives a damn.

We don’t want your back-story. We don’t want you to explain your character or do that f***ing annoying “No guess!” game while you throw us obscure clues that not even the geekiest among us will get.

We want recognition and connection, not a god damn back story.

Even if your costume is 100% accurate and you are pulling off the character with doppelganger-like perfection, we won’t f***ing care. You went and pissed us off and now we shun you and your long winded explanations as we force you to eat your burritos over at the anime table with “nailed by a plant girl” and “fat guy who may or may not be in costume…man”.

And you did it to yourself.

Stop with the f***ing BATMAN already: I’m BATMAN.

For the last time, no you are not.

If you dress as Batman at a convention you shouldn’t be allowed in. They should boot your hard-plastic ass to the curb so that from the outside it looks like Night of The Living Dead: Gotham, as two dozen bloated and pale caped crusaders claw longingly at the glass and try to get in.

I know what you’re thinking:

“But George Clooney pulled off Batman, and he’s like 106!”

Yeah well George Clooney had makeup artists, professional costume designers, and an ancient Sumerian curse that forces him to walk the earth for all eternity backing him. YOUR ass has a hot glue gun and plastic nipple plates.

It has been done to death, and even if you are the BEST god damn Batman ever to touch a little boy in day-glo spandex, you are STILL just f***ing Batman, and we’ve seen it a million times. No one is impressed, no one cares and GOD DAMN IT…

…we hate the gravely Batman voice.

F*** YOU CHRISTIAN BAYLE! Bruce Wayne is a friggin’ billionaire genius but he can’t get a pair of god damn hedge clippers and snip that eye mole off of the side of his head so it stops obscuring his vision?

Way to bring down the 4th wall.

Dudes don’t look good in spandex: Chicks in costumes look good in spandex. This is proven.

DUDES in spandex make everyone uncomfortable no matter how well the costume was done, or how accurate your depiction of the character is.

Because we can totally see your package.

Which leaves you in one of three categories that help force the bile up into our throats. You are:

*Guy who obviously stuffs his unitard.

*Guy who SHOULD have obviously stuffed his unitard.

*Or, Dude with MONSTER PACKAGE that is making us all uncomfortable because it looks like you’re randomly saran wrapping pythons down at the local zoo.

No one wants to see your package, big, small, or as right as a baby bear’s bowl of porridge. Sure, you might get some high pitched squeals from the ladies, (or..ya know. Some of the guys.) and you might even get lots of stares and offers…

…but until you abscond away with whatever anonymous convention tail yer about to feed to that thing, you’re making us ALL uncomfortable and we will never be able to look at our favorite Superheroes the same way again.

“Daddy…how does Superman always beat Lex Luthor?”

“With his penis son. He beats him with his penis.”

Put on some friggin’ pants.

Pick a theme that you can PHYSICALLY pull off: Hollywood has affected our self images in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. We all want abs and pecs and rippling muscles and with every donut or piece of fried food that we bite into, we feel guilt.

Not everyone is genetically programmed to be muscular, or have chiseled good looks. We understand this, and we accept this…

…but if you weigh 300 pounds, donning that “Slave Girl Leia” costume MIGHT not be in your best interest. When you look like you should be on the dais instead of tethered to it, chances are you’ve picked the costume that isn’t perfect for you.

Spiderman’s webs can only hold so much weight, and if your costume is bursting at the seems big fella, chances are those strands that make Spiderman float effortlessly through the air are going to start snapping like guitar strings, and SOMEONE is going to lose an eye. Conventions hold thousands upon THOUSANDS of people, all of which are armed with cameras, cell phones, and ways to get your porky ass up and on the internet before you can even finish eating all of the fried dough that you have skewered on your Wolverine claws.

You want to avoid that.

Just like a guy in a wheel chair wouldn’t don a Flash costume, a hefty dude or dudette shouldn’t be squeezing into the uniform of someone much much smaller. Short people don’t get to be the Hulk or reach anything on the top shelf, and you living Stretch Armstrong Dolls don’t get to be hobbits.

Do a bit of research – find a character that fits within your scope of possibly mimicry and draw from that pool. Yes, the point of a costume is to become someone else, or to win a bit of Geek Cred, and yes, everyone should be able to wear what they want, PC bullshit, blah blah blah.

I’m saying don’t.

Or if you are going to – make a joke out of it. Have a little fun at your own expense.

If you laugh, we’ll know that it is okay to laugh at you and not feel sorry for you because your Dr. Manhattan costume makes you look more like Ron Jeremy Smurf.

Which is an image that no one wants.

Because he defeats Lex Luthor the same way Superman does.

-Coyote

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