Dear Hollywood, I hate you.

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Posted Thu, Jun 11, 2009 by Coyote

Dear Hollywood,

I know I’ve asked this before, but my other requests must have gotten lost in the mail – which is completely my fault. What is this, 1987? Who still uses the post office? I should have written you in electronic format instead of relying on the frigging Pony Express…

So I’m partially to blame.

But that being said, I have to ask again:

Will you PLEASE stop remaking the things I love into crappy god damn movies?

With the proof that Highlander, Total Recall, Fletch, The Crow, Slap Shot, Conan, The Thing, and Red Dawn are all currently in the process of filming for re-release, I am more than a little concerned that you no longer see (or care) what you are doing to us.

Just because people love something, doesn’t mean that it needs to be made “better”.

Take chicken wings for example. Everyone LOVES chicken wings. They are delicious and go well with beer, and do not need to be improved. But then someone comes out with a BETTER idea:

Popcorn chicken WINGS.

Eh? EH?

Not popcorn CHICKEN, but actual baby chicken wings.

See? Now I know exactly what you are thinking…

“Holy HELL that’s a good idea! I LOVE chicken wings and I’ve always wanted a way to get more of their delicious goodness down my neck hole without choking on a fistful of bones! That’s BRILLIANT! You sir, dare I say, are a genius.”

Don’t they sound amazing? Don’t they sound DELICIOUS? And if you get them when they’re young enough, the bones aren’t even solidified! You can snarf them down by the HANDFUL without ever worrying about things like choking, or even really, chewing.

So if they are delicious, pose less of a hazard to throat pokage while eating them, and can be gobbled by the BBQ sauce dripping handful – WHY haven’t we had them?

Because as tasty as they’d be…

YOU’RE STILL EATING A BABY BIRD!!!

And even if you manage to take their legs without killing them, the commercials they play during dinner to get you to donate to the Baby-birds-without-legs Fund will be f***ing heart breaking.

Which makes it kind of hard to enjoy your meal when the owner of the legs that you’re two fisting into your gaping maw is asking you for just 35 cents a day.

Which brings me back to my original point:

Just because we love something, doesn’t mean that we have to try and improve the formula.

Remember New Coke?

Coke was temporarily winning the Cola Wars over the much better and less corrosively acidic Pepsi, and they decided to get cocky. Some marketing agent in a boardroom was in a lunch meeting and enjoying handfuls of barbeque flavored baby bird legs when it struck him;

“If people love the teeth dissolving numminess of COKE, then we should make it even MORE deadly delicious so that everyone who drinks it is not only refreshed and quenched, but they look like that burned dude from Phantom of the Opera.”

So they came out with NEW Coke, which was *exactly* like the OLD Coke, except for it tasted even more like carbonated urinal cake drippings, and it dissolved your head as soon as you tried to drink it.

Needless to say, it was a flop.

The same principle applies to the movies that we love. They’re called “classics” for a reason, and when you “re-envision” them, you might THINK that you’re taking us for a stroll down memory lane, but in reality – you’re stomping the piss out of the white flowers that border it with your poo covered shoes. You’re holding our hand and trying to show us your vision and the work you put into your homage to the original, and all we can think is:

“What the F*** did he step in? Was there a frigging BRONTASAURUS CROSSING I missed?!? Look what he is DOING to the DAISIES!”

Some things simply don’t need to be improved. *ESPECIALLY* when those remakes are of remakes of an original movie. “The Thing” comes to mind in this regard.

When John Carpenter originally made the movie, it had a budget of 12 dollars and a can of half-eaten tuna. And while the concept, story, and characters were amazing – you need more of a budget and the tuna can is seen in almost every shot. (I know, they had to use what they had.)

So a few years later, when he has more money and can afford the NAME BRAND tuna instead of the Wegmans brand with the “Hey, I’m on Welfare” bland ass label that everyone can see sticking out of your cart, he refilmed the movie and not only did it become the classic it should have…

…it blew our FRICKING MINDS.

The movie was everything horror was supposed to be. Sure, it had some special effects, but the REAL star of the movie was the suspense. The feeling of constant paranoia and helplessness. The movie was done and it was done well. We HAVE that movie. And because we HAVE that movie…

WE DON’T NEED YOU TO MAKE IT AGAIN!

Yes, it was great! Yes, it was phenomenal! But guess what? We’ve seen it. We know the plot, we know how it ends, and no matter how many god damn times you repackage the crap we’ve seen and add CGI and hot new stars from the WB – it is STILL a movie we’ve seen.

And chances are, you’re just going to piss us off if you dick with it.

So please, I beg you, people of Hollywood – stop remaking shit from our past that doesn’t need to be remade. If you are running out of ideas, then start looking at the crappy movies and thinking of ways to improve on *THEM*.

For every great movie that you want to bastardize, there are a dozen or so equally awesome movies that failed because of the 12 dollar tuna budget that they were on. Go gobble THEM up. Fix up THOSE flicks and repackage them for us. Sure, it is just more of the same remake bullshit, but chances are we didn’t see the crappy flick the FIRST time around.

So when you f*** THAT up too, we won’t be pissed that you destroyed a memory from our past that we held sacred.

And for the love of God….

…think of the baby chickens.

-Coyote

(P.S. As for your remake of "Drop Dead Fred", Rik Mayall is a f***ing genius. Russell Brand is a f***ing retard, and he needs to comb his f***ing hair. You've made me so mad with this, that I have to swear like a Brith now. Wanker. See? See what you made me do?)

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