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Video games are usually about violence and humiliating your opponent. The bigger your gun, the more dangerous you are, and the more likely you are to WIN. But the truth is…

…it isn’t ALWAYS about winning.

Not all cool items found in video games have to cause massive damage, fire a thousand bullets a second, and rip your enemies to shreds before they can even react. Sometimes they can be incredibly cool, without being super high-tech or even really a weapon at all.

So with that we bring you:

“The Top Five COOLEST Video Game Weapons, like, EVER.”

#1)Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past: Bee in a Jar

What is it? It is an angry bee, but in a jar.

Why is it TOTALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME? Because you have an ANGRY BEE, in a frigging JAR.

You don’t even need to open that shit.

If you were about to be mugged, and instead of your wallet you produced a jar with an angry bee in it? Chances are you’re not getting mugged. Sure, the mugger might have a gun, or a knife, or a crowbar that he could use to shoot, stab, or beat the living hell out of you with, but in the back of his mind he’s going:

“What if I hit the jar and it got OUT? I mean just LOOK at that thing. Where did he even find a bee THAT big? I think I saw it fighting Godzilla on late night TV…

It’s a pretty safe bet to say that if you have a big angry bee in a jar, you’re not getting mugged on the way home. In fact, if someone tries to mug you and you DO have a bee in a jar, you can demand HIS wallet and more likely than not, you’re getting it.

Because no one wants to deal with the angry, buzzing consequences of that lid being unscrewed, lest they run around girlishly slapping at themselves and doing that weird little hop dance.

#2)Team Fortress 2: Jarate

What is it? A jar full of pee.

Why is it TOTALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME? Because it is a jar full of PEE.

Every kid knows that if you want to make someone run screaming, only two things are guaranteed to do it: The patent pending “Poop Stick”, (literally a long stick that has been dipped in poo that you use to chase other children while moaning “pooooooop stiiiiiiick” “pooooop stiiiiick guuuunaaa toooooouuuuch yooooouuuu” in a creepy voice) and a jar full of PEE.

And while yes, you can get in trouble for wielding either, your punishment is never administered until you put down your weapon, because no one wants to take the chance that the situation is about to escalate into actual touching.

What’s even more amazing is that while playing Team Fortress 2, anyone who is HIT with the Jarate not only has their vision blurred and clothing ruined, but they are 100% more vulnerable to attacks as they stand there in shocked horror looking down at the pee that now covers their body. While the “Bee in a Jar” has a horror factor that none can deny, the wielder of the weapon is still hesitant to use it, because one cannot predict the behavior of a bee.

Is he going to sting you? Is he going to sting your enemy? Is he just going to fly away harmlessly as both you and your opponent sigh in relief?

You don’t know.

But if someone is wielding a jar full of piss? You know DAMN well that they intend to use it, because no one pees in jars without having a very specific reason, and that reason is to throw it on YOU.

And then reach for the poop stick. PoooOooOoooop Stiiiiiiiiick.

#3)Metal Gear: The Cardboard Box

What is it? Just a cardboard box.

Why is it TOTALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME? Because in the Metal Gear series, you are a mercenary spy. You are the best of the best and you have access to enough high tech gadgets, weapons, and equipment that Batman himself would cream his awkwardly fitting tights.

Yet when push comes to shove, time is of the essence, and you need to get around that M-16 touting guard, what do you use?

Some sort of cloaking device?

Camouflage designed in painstakingly intricate patterns?

Your knowledge of blending, light-play, shadows and makeup to fit into your surroundings?

No. You hide under a f***ing box like a three year old, and it WORKS. So why is that awesome? Because you are using a cardboard box to sneak into a high tech facility, and NO ONE EVER STOPS TO LOOK UNDER IT.

Why would they? It isn’t like some heavily armed commando is going to be hiding under a half inch thick sheet of really tough paper like a little kid making a fort out of couch cushions, right? He’s going to come kicking down the front door in a blaze of glory and body parts.

Wrong. He doesn’t need to kick down the front door and shoot you in the face. He has a f***ing cardboard box, and if you’re REALLY unlucky, he’s pretending that it is a tank. Or a robot suit – or something else that is going to make your day a lot worse than it was 10 seconds ago.

He might even be peeing in a jar. A jar full of angry bees.

Yeah.

#4) Fallout 3: The Rock-it LauncherWhat is it? A vacuum cleaner, leaf blower thing that can suck up any item you find and launch it at your enemy.

Why is it TOTALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME?

Because you just killed that radioactive super mutant with the machine gun and armor made out of baby skulls with a garden gnome fired out of something that would make MacGyver proud.

In video games, running out of ammo is always an issue.

You have to conserve your bullets, check your fire, and gauge each and every shot as you are wasting a precious resource. Nothing is more infuriating than getting all the way to the end of the game, defeating the big boss, and thinking you’ve won than having him stand back up…

…and you have two shots left in your pistol and a pocket knife.

With the Rock-it Launcher, you never have to worry about ammo again. It literally sucks up anything around you that you aim it at, and converts it into ammunition that can be fired at your enemy.

Sure, he’s shooting bullets at you and has you pinned down, but face it – EVERYONE is shooting bullets at you. You’re used to it.

But if you came up on a guy wearing what looks like the backpack from Ghostbusters, who is firing forks, and coffeemakers, and GUNS at your head? You’re going to back up and take the time needed to properly assess the situation.

What if he sucked up a couple jars of pee? Or a poop stick?

Because as we all know, the only thing more horrific than the poop stick, is a FLYING poop stick. Then? Then you’re fate rests in the hands of GOD.

#5)Team Fortress 2: The Sandvich

What is it? A tasty sandwich.

Why is it TOTALLY FRICKIN’ AWESOME? Because it is a tasty sandwich.

Granted, it isn’t technically a weapon, but still. Most games focus on guns, or explosions, or items designed to maim, hurt, or really gross out your opponent as they stand there drenched in urine and blinking in disbelief.

“Dude…..DUDE. Did you just hit me with a jar full of PISS?”

“Not cool man. NOT cool. What the F***? I was just going to stab YOU. It was going to be quick and painless. What the hell man? WHAT THE HELL?”

But with The Sandvich?

It is back to basics.

You don’t fire it, you don’t set it strategically, and you don’t throw it or share it in anyway because that would mean less delicious goodness for Y OU. You just eat it, and enjoy it enthusiastically with a loud and satisfied “Om Nom Nom Nom”.

And while it doesn’t do much beyond give you a bit of health and make your enemies extremely jealous because they didn’t have the foresight to pack a lunch of their own?

You have a Sandvich, and you don’t have to share.

And if that isn’t the BEST item in a video game, I don’t know what is.

-Coyote