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“Where is the best place for a Geek to eat?”

This question seems to pop up with surprising frequency.

Geeks have massive brains, and those massive brains need ungodly amounts of food in order to stay sharp and focused. Solving the world’s problems, creating the technology of the future, and calculating THAC0 on the fly because you refuse to play with anything beyond second edition rules on an empty stomach is a near impossible task. “Food for thought” isn’t just an expression, for us it is a way of life.

We think, therefore we eat.

Yet in order to maintain the impossibly muscled physiques that have become almost synonymous with the term “Geek”, we have to follow a single strict and unyielding guideline when it comes to eating. (Lest we find ourselves unable to participate in the constant barrage of spontaneous strenuous activity that seems to break out at every gathering.)

It has to be cheap.

Geeks are notoriously broke as we spend an estimated 98% of our money on comic books, video games, video games inspired by comic books, and paying people to touch us so that we may finally experience some sort of contact with another actual human being, filling the holes in our soul.

Which is why Taco Bell is an officially sanctioned Geek Restaurant.

Not only are they well known as being Geek Friendly and always overlooking the impromptu games of Magic: the Gathering, or Dungeons and Dragons that seem to break out on their tiny little sauce covered tables…

...but Taco Bell actually connects with us on a very real, almost sentient level. It is a symbiotic relationship on the most basic of levels. We provide them with money, and they provide us with food – but there is more to it than that.

Taco Bell understands what a geek WANTS.

Taco Bell understands what a geek NEEDS.

Taco Bell understands what a geek HAS…

…

…which is about a dollar eighty.

And this is why Taco Bell wins as the best place in the WORLD a geek can eat, hands down. Because even in this economy they somehow manage to have prices that you’d expect to find in third-world countries, without the worry of trying to enjoy your Chalupa while being stared at by some kid with flies on his lips...

In fact, if you REALLY wanted to end world hunger you’d just put up a Taco Bell wherever people were starving. Sure, the bright lights and odd neon signs might confuse them at first, but eventually they’d wander in. Barefoot, weak with hunger and overcome with hopelessness they’d look up at the menu and say:

“Wait a minute… I have a dollar and eighty cents! I CAN FEED MY WHOLE VILLAGE!?! Why the F*** didn’t they open one of these places here sooner? GORDITAS FOR EVERYONE!!”

Then there would be rejoicing and singing and the laughing children would get hopelessly lost in the little rope maze that they make you run before you get to the counter… which brings us full circle to why Taco Bell is *THE* Geek place to eat. Because a dollar and eighty cents will not only get you food – it will get you an entire frigging MEAL.

But I know what you’re thinking…

“But I’m an organic vegan who only wears hemp and clothing made from various tree barks that I harvest naturally from fallen trees in the forest. So obviously *I* can’t eat at your Taco Bell, because while they do indeed offer vegetarian meals, if a piece of cheese so much as touches my plate I have to pout, take the whole thing back and make all of my friends uncomfortable. Where can *I* eat?”

Well have no fear my pot smoking, in badly-need-of-deodorant friends, as we have considered your organically grown feelings as well.

You see, this is a politically correct world, and whenever we make blanket statements that proclaim one place a Geek Mecca, or Geek Friendly, or a Geek Must, someone inevitably protests. They can’t take blanket statements because they are individuals, and as individuals they don’t fit the mold that we are casting 100%. So this time, when we proclaimed Taco Bell as a Geek Sanctuary, we thought of you – the pains in the ass who always have to ruin the group activity because you want us to see you drinking wheat grass so that we know you are a better person than we are because nothing had to die for you to live.

Which is why instead of Taco Bell, you can go here.

To this field.

Every meal that we’ve seen you eat looks like a bag full of lawn clippings anyway. So while we “head across the border” to the land of deliciousness and .49 cent Tacos, we’ll drop you off in this pasture so that you may graze with the Earth Goddess. This way we don’t offend you while we double fist our Nacho Supremes.

And everyone wins.

We get to stuff ourselves for impossibly low prices in an atmosphere that is not only geek tolerant, but often owned and operated, and you get to wallow waist deep in your own personal salad bar. We get meat, and you get to drop down a notch on the food chain because if you’re not an animal that eats meat, you’re FOOD for an animal that does.

So with that being said, answering this questions was as easy and strangely refreshing as the Baja Cooler Mountain Dew flavor that you can only GET at Taco Bell. Sure at first you thought it tasted like ass, but after you burned off your taste buds on your 30th packet of “free” hot sauce, it started to grow on you.

Taco Bell is affordable, delicious, and follows the most CRUCIAL of elements when it comes to Geek Fine Dining:

They’re open really late and they don’t call the cops when your gang of pasty white kids comes walking in dressed like they just jacked into the Matrix.

-Coyote