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To those who know me, it is no secret – and often a source of great amusement:

I hate cell phones.

I hate talking on them, I hate texting on them, and I hate that they are now so common place that ever driver on the highway has one glued to their ear when I drive by in a fit of rage with my middle finger extended and swearing like a sailor with tourettes.

I hate my blackberry and the fact that as a computer technician, I am undeniably its bitch. I hate YOUR blackberry and the fact that you just spent 35 bucks on a case for it that looks like your Grandmother went nuts with a bedazzler.

And if you’re addicted to your iPhone? Well, I want you to get anal cancer.

Not just like, normal anal cancer - but like “extra drippy” anal cancer so that you have to wear specially designed rubber undergarments and no matter where you sit you leave little “I was here” discolorations on the cushion.

This being said, and a large majority of my close friends now reminding and asking me: “Hey, *I* am addicted to my iPhone, does that mean you want ME to get really drippy anal cancer?”… I didn’t realize that much like the Nintendo Wii, our cell phones are trying to kill us.

Ten years ago, almost no one had a cell phone – and if you DID have a cell phone, you didn’t have it for very long. Generally speaking, this is still and incredibly NEW technology, and despite the fact that time tests are impossible on new technology, we strap these things to our heads, our waists, and we sit them gently in our front pocket right next to our junk.

And never once do we stop to think:

“Hey, is it possible that there are newly discovered symptoms that have popped up with the use of cell phones that might scare the ever loving shit out of me?”

Well yes Little Billy, there are – and if you’re like me, you’re going to realize that you actually have some of these, and you’re going to freak out even more.

Phantom Vibration Syndrome

The Symptom

Your cell phone vibrates.

But that’s what it is SUPPOSED to do, right? Rolling your eyes you reach into your front pocket, hoping that it isn’t some dumbass user who got your number and who now thinks that you are their personal computer genie who can be summoned at will by rubbing the blackberry lamp.

You pull out your keys, your wallet, and a handful of change – but no cell phone, which is WEIRD because you *KNOW* that you just felt it ringing. It couldn’t have been a muscle spasm, because it was the sensation of your cell phone ringing on vibrate, multiple times, for the exact length, pattern, and pulse of your normal ring.

But you don’t have it on you and THE CALL WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

What It Is

Your brain f***ing with you.

A cell phone on vibrate sends stimulus to your skin, which sends impulses to your brain that are usually connected with feelings of excitement, worry, or annoyance. If you’re waiting on a bad call, you’re hyper sensitive and jumping the moment it rings. If you’re waiting on a late night booty call…

…well…ya know.

Giggity.

But your BRAIN doesn’t understand that these electrical impulses are coming from a cell phone on vibrate – it just equates “twitch with happy” or “twitch with annoyed at job” or “twitch with regret for a late night booty call with a chick you didn’t want anything to do with but you just watched three hours of porn and at that point you would have slept with the still warm corpse of Michael Jackson”, so when you are feeling these emotions, your brain rewards you with a twitch.

Which causes you to answer your wallet like a dumbass.

(Too soon?)

Cell Phone Elbow

The Symptom

Your fingers hurt.

Oh? Your fingers hurt? Well now your BACK is going to hurt because now you’re pulling LANDSCAPING DUTY.

…sorry.

Your fingers hurt, feel cold, twitch for no reason and give anyone shaking your clammy little oven mitts a bad case of the willies. You think it is carpal tunnel, or maybe you’ve been watching too much late night porn and contemplating booty calls, but in reality…

You arm is about to fall off.

What It Is

A pinched nerve in your elbow that has become severely damaged because you talk on your cell phone way too f***ing much.

"Repetitive, sustained stretching of the nerve is like stepping on a garden hose," says Dr. Peter J. Evans, the only doctor to ever use the garden hose analogy when talking to his patients.

And we all know what happens when you kink a garden hose:

Pressure builds up, the hose starts to swell, and when your little sister stops washing her bike to look into the hose for blockage – you straighten it and she gets her head taken off by gusher of suddenly free water.

So what does this mean for your HAND?

Well, it is currently undocumented as we’ve just made it up, but lead scientists all agree that if you straighten your arm too fast – you risk blowing your fingers off.

All because you had to talk on the f***ing cell phone instead of driving.

Burned Off Junk

The Symptom

It really isn’t a symptom so much as it is YOUR JUNK CATCHING ON FIRE!

I don’t know about you, but the thought of your crotch suddenly bursting into flame for reasons that don’t involve having paid a Vegas stripper to grind your bones to make her bread while your buddies looked around for you, wondering where you went – is just WRONG.

What It Is

People forget that cell phones have REALLY powerful batteries in them, and occasionally, those batteries explode.

And when batteries explode, there is sometimes fire.

And when you carry your cell phone in your front pocket, that fire sometimes ignites your crotch.

And when your crotch ignites…

Yeah.

And this is the technology that we rely on every day. The things that make meetings possible, help us reach deadlines, and keep us up to date on tweets from Twitter, also want to mess with our brains, explode our fingers, and start brush fires in the most sacred of bushes.

…

Kinda makes you want to get off of your f***ing cell phone and DRIVE, doesn’t it?

-Coyote

(Seriously, too soon?)