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I plead the 4th.

The 4th of July is upon us, and I realize that even in this time of war and global unrest, a lot of people still don’t understand the significance behind the holiday.

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And it makes me SICK.

Every day the men and women of our Armed Forces risk life and limb to ensure that you, as American Citizen, will never again have to worry about the Russians bombing Pearl Harbor like they did on this very day during the war of 1812. As long as the 50 stars on our flag continue to represent the original founding fathers, and the 13 stripes glisten like amber waves of grain…

…you will be free.

Free to blow shit up.

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Which is pretty much the whole point of the Fourth of July.

As an American, it is your DUTY to obtain as many illegal fireworks as you can, get drunk off of your ass and blow anything and everything that isn’t tied down into its very own planetary orbit. We want explosions so large that fifteen years from now, while performing a routine spacewalk, an astronaut has no choice but to turn to one of his assisting crewmates and ask:

“Is that a f***ing HIBACHI?”

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And when his fish bowl helmet clad partner confirms that it IS indeed the miniature grill, they’ll nod solemnly to each other and bow their heads in a moment of respect. Because they know, deep in their highly trained hearts that not only did someone love AMERICA enough to launch a hibachi into deep space, but that they missed on HELL of a f***ing party.

Which just proves how patriotic and truly appreciative of our freedoms we really are.

Other countries may scoff at us, and mock us for our rampant gun crimes, or the fact that we have the right to legally own and operate semi-automatic weapons, but the truth of the matter is: we respecting the wishes that were whispered during the very BIRTH of this great nation.

England, France, and other various European countries that don’t have running water or electricity constantly point out that they have almost NO gun crime, all the while smiling at us through teeth that we can’t find here outside of a fireworks vendor convention. They are extremely proud of this fact and bring it up with alarming frequency.

But they tend to shut up when we point out the two obvious things that they’re missing while smiling smugly:

1) They don’t have GUN crimes because they don’t have GUNS. They’re too busy stabbing the shit out of each other and committing other caveman atrocities to figure out how a firing mechanism works.

Time and space work differently outside of the U.S. of A., which means that everywhere else in the world, right NOW, it is 1847.

B) They don’t have GUNS. Which means that when we come to liberate the ever-loving-piss out of them, they’ll be helpless to do anything but thank us while silently praying that we just move on to France.

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That’s right. We’re coming for YOU, you stinky little grape smushing mime f***ers.

But I digress.

The 4th of July is about illegally obtaining fireworks, and apologizing to the police at three in the morning. Police, who I might add will NOT arrest you if you accuse them of hating America and being unpatriotic because they want to put out the various car fires that you accidentally set while celebrating your freedom.

“But fireworks are still legal in my state! I don’t have to illegally obtain them!”

We know. Which is why we drive to your backwater “fresh out of Deliverance” towns in order to buy them, and then QUICKLY drive back home to places where “getting raped by a guy with a banjo” has a much lower likelihood.

We’re not jealous, or even envious of your legal explosives because we realize that the fact that you’re allowed to have them is the exact same reason most of your children can’t count to seven. Not because you live in a state like Louisabama where first cousins are allowed to marry and “ educatin’ ” isn’t super high on the list of life’s priorities, but because no one in YOUR state has enough fingers left to actually get up that high.

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But the bottom line is: We should *ALL* be thankful for the freedom that we enjoy on this most sacred of burn ward packing days.

From the folks that we get the fireworks from being thankful that they have the freedom to enjoy NASCAR and humping up on their sister, to those of us who USE said fireworks to blow UP cars and set fire to your sister – everyone should be thankful.

For our Freedom.

For our Liberties….

….and if you aren’t from this country…

For the fact that we left.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

-Coyote

( P.S. Just kidding France. We wouldn’t REALLY invade you. Chicks with massive pit hair kinda weirds us out. Besides, you’ve probably already surrendered.)