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With amazing television shows like Firefly canceled before they finish their first season, while reality shows based on baking cakes and rich and stupid women being rich and stupid flourish…

Sci-Fi has got to step up its game.

You’re already losing us to internet porn and video games, so remaking the same movies over and over again only serves to further drive us away. There’s only so many times that we can watch giant snakes fight giant snakes, or try to get interested in a new series that involves the SAME characters that we hated from an old series.

Namely: The weak female lead.

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With that in mind, we’ve come up with three character types that need to never again be written into a role. We’ve seen them, we know them, and more to the point…

We hate them.

“Three Female Character Archetypes That Geek Shows Need To Stop Using”

The Non-Believer

The Non-Believer is a woman of science.

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She lives in a world of facts and beakers, and she knows that everything in this world can be explained, or has a rational, scientific reason for happening.

She doesn’t believe in magic or the supernatural, and no matter how many times she’s confronted with proof of these things, she quickly writes it off or tries to debunk it. She could open Pandora’s box and have a magic face humping Leprechaun leap out and mount her noggin, and she’d skeptical of its validity. While the little magical ginger is hammering away at a frenzied pace, she’ll purse her lips, consult her notes and try to find the logical explanation for why it “appears” that a little magic man is trying to brush her teeth with his yam bag.

Now, you could be thinking:

“Well, maybe she’s just stunned at being confronted for the first time by something that destroys the reality she’s come to know! It could happen to anyone!”

But you’d be wrong.

The first time something latched to her face and tried to poke out her eyes with a crotch full of lust, you could chalk it up to disbelief, or shock. But as time goes on, and new and exciting encounters are met – her reaction will never, ever change. She’ll stubbornly hold onto everything that she “knows” is true, and regardless to the fact that she just got abducted by aliens for the 37th time, she’ll try desperately to disprove the “hoax”.

Which is just frustrating because you start to obsess over her disbelief.

At what point does the logical and science oriented mind finally allow for thoughts like:

“There could be something out there.”

Or

“We’re not alone!”

Or

“Maybe magic could exist.”

Or even…

“Mmphy muuph mmff muh mmppphhfff MUPPHMM MFF FFFMMPH!” (Which loosely translates to “Holy shit there’s a Leprechaun HUMPING MY FACE!”)

With every passing show, you grow angrier, often to the point of throwing things at the television because she slowly morphs from brilliant scientific mind to “bitch who knows what she just saw but refuses to be wrong”. And we can’t even ironically point out that as a beautiful, buxom, Uber-hot scientist chick working in a government basement lab, she herself is a mythical creature that technically doesn’t exist.

The Rules Lawyer

A term familiar to almost every table-top RPG playing geek, the Rules Lawyer gets her name from the simple fact that if you were playing D&D with her, you’d want to slap her scented lip gloss right off her head.

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Everything has a rule, everything has a protocol that must be followed, and no matter what the situation, the Rules Lawyer will attempt to do her job, unwaveringly, by-the-book. From not shooting the fleeing bad guy, to trying to arrest the Boogeyman because he deserves a fair trial, the amount of frustration she causes is barely offset by the hot librarian dominatrix look that she is pulling off.

Barely.

Still, the Rules Lawyer is often the weakest character in any tense situation because she’s at constant turmoil with her inability to break the rules. Often to the point where she hesitates and the bad guy gets out of a situation that should have left him dead, or even worse…

…she gets caught herself.

Reason, logic and rules are the only character traits that she seems able to hold onto, and asking her to break them causes her to freeze up faster than Windows Vista hitting 99% on an install.

The Dorothy Gale

Named for the protagonist of the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy just wants to go home.

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It doesn’t matter that she was hand picked by a secret government agency, and she doesn’t care that she’ll see and do things that other human beings can only dream about or chalk up to fantasy…

…she doesn’t want to be there and she will spend every episode bemoaning her fate, making phone calls and trying to get back to her old life. Just like the dumbass girl from Kansas and her stupid f***ing dog.

What? You’re thrust into a mystical fantasy world of gumdrop forests and fantastic creatures who think that you’re a hero and want to worship you daily for saving the world?

NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!

Please God, send me HOME! Take me away from this magical and wondrous HELL and ship me back to F***ING KANSAS so that I can live on what appears to be a Dirt Farm with my inbred Uncle and his creepy farm hands! Being molested by family and possibly gang-raped by men with names like “Jeb” HAS to be better than living in this place full of giant lollipops and constant thanks!

…

….

We have no idea what this woman’s old job required, but we want it.

We want it bad.

If after the second or third episode, full of ray guns, ghosts, aliens, and magical powers she is STILL trying to get transferred back home? How frigging AMAZING must that desk job in Poughkeepsie be? What, a book that grants wishes or a portal to another dimension full of super futuristic technology?

No thanks! I have f***ing PAPERWORK and one of those “Hang In There” kitten posters.

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As geeks, we hate the Dorothy Gale over the other two by a landslide, because at least we can kind of understand them.

We all have that one friend who has to annoyingly do everything by the book. Yes, we often ignore him, do what we want anyway, or spit in his soda the moment he leaves the room – but on some level we can relate to him. He’s an anal retentive dillhole, but we can kind of see where he is coming from. He is socially awkward and needs order and structure so that he can get through his day.

Even the Non-Believer can make sense to a degree.

Science geeks can be weird, and more often than not they’re so ego-driven and constantly need to be right, that they can and will lie to themselves in order NOT to be proven wrong. They’ll take every other possible angle besides the obvious one, just to save face in their own mind. And while they may debunk or scoff, or tell you that they don’t believe – you know that somewhere in that egg shaped brain, they KNOW the truth.

But Dorothy?

Dorothy is a slap in the face of all that is geek.

She comes from a crap job, crap family, crap life, and gets thrust into a world that most of us spend our waking hours day dreaming about while we’re supposed to be working. She is given magic, powers, technology and everything else that we’ve ever tried to sell our soul for…

…and she doesn’t want it.

It’s just too much for her, so instead of ruling the Emerald City with an iron fist, she kisses everyone goodbye and tries her best to get back to the crappy life that she had before her magical journey began. And because of that, we’re kinda hoping that Jeb gives her the ol’ Ned Beatty treatment on a regular basis.

Or at least knocks her around a bit and forces her scrub the floors, her tears mingling with the mop water for that "just beaten" shine.

No place like home my ass.

-Coyote