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“What is the perfect geek pet?”

Without a doubt, the perfect geek pet would be a dinosaur.

Not anything TOO big like a T-Rex, or one of those huge ones with names like “Bronchitisasarus” that leave piles of poo in your back yard the size of a Buick – but a small one that was cute and loveable…

…but that you could still have rip out the throat of anyone who threatened you, your family, or stood in line ahead of you at the coffee shop talking on their cell phone oblivious to the fact that it was their turn to order.

But I digress.

But as dinosaurs are long extinct, and these questions should be taken as “real” in order to inform and (as always) help those among us who need it, learn – we’ll look at this from a genuine and true angle.

Selecting a pet is no small thing, as these are not just tiny little lives that count on you for survival, but an outward extension of yourself. Choosing a pet should involve a little planning, and a lot of thought, care, and consideration. Your choice should satisfy all of the following requirements in order to ensure that you, as a geek, have chosen the proper companion. The perfect pet should be:

* Easy to take care of and maintain: Let’s face it – as geeks, we’re looking for something incredibly low maintenance that doesn’t have to be brushed, combed, picked up after, or washed for weeks at a time.

Much like ourselves.

We get busy and occasionally we forget to do things because we’re playing video games or sleeping in front of the television. We can’t have some weak “needs to be fed every day” pet just dying in a closet somewhere every time we don’t remember to drop a few chunks of kibble into its bowl.

* Independent: You know those over affectionate cats that rub up on you like your ass is made of tuna, or those little yapper dogs who get so excited to see you that they pee everywhere, even though you just went to the store and were gone for like seventeen minutes?

We hate that.

Sure, its cool that something loves us so much that it has to piss itself upon our return, but after the fourth or fifth time that you have to mop up a “love stain”, you’re going to get sick of the affection and want to punt the little bastard into the next time zone. Pets should acknowledge our presence, maybe give a little “sup” head nod of respect, and then they should go back to doing whatever they were doing before we came home.

As long as it wasn’t peeing on something.

* Intelligent, but not TOO smart: No one wants to be saddled with the unicorn sticker helmet wearing riders of the animal kingdom short bus – but you don’t want your pet out thinking you either. That shit makes us look bad.

Like monkeys.

F*** monkeys.

They’re way too smart, and they learn how to do things like open doors, wield weapons, and judge you with their dark-but-highly-intelligent soulless animal eyes. You might be buying the food and cleaning the cage, but they know that you suck at Sudoku, or that you’ve had the same unsolved Rubix’s Cube on your dresser for over a year. They take this as a sign of weakness, and that’s when you lose your control.

So find a balance.

Something average in intelligence, or maybe leaning slightly towards dumbass is perfect. This way you can still feel superior, but live without the fear that your pet is plotting on you.

Because monkeys f***ing plot.

* F***ing COOL: Everyone has a cat. Everyone has a dog. Hell, if you go to Kentucky, everyone has a PIG.

Remember, pets aren’t just there to fill that empty hole in your heart left gaping by the fact that you have no friends and no one could ever love a disgusting monster such as yourself – they’re also for show. They’re your way of saying:

“Yeah, I might die alone and devoid of all human companionship – but at least when they find my bloated, rotting corpse the paramedic will know that I must have been cool because I have an amazing pet. And then he’ll be sad that he didn’t know me in life and probably regret not showing me the love and attention that I deserved.”

…

….or words to those effect.

So what is the perfect geek pet? What animal satisfies all of these conditions and would make the best addition to your family?

The answer is:

A shark.

Sharks are f***ing cool.

And as for meeting all of the above requirements? Let’s double check, shall we?

* Easy to take care of and maintain: It’s a f***ing SHARK. You don’t even have to feed them. Just have a pool party every couple of days, or hire some annoying neighbor kid to clean its tank for twenty bucks, and you’re done. You’ll save cash as you won’t have to give the twenty bucks to whatever lump of kid flesh Mr. Snuggles burps up, and your community will be free of those damn youngsters and their baggy pants and sideways hats.

Plus? Sharks don’t need to be brushed, or washed, or even looked after because they are F***ING SHARKS.

At worst you’ll have to pour some Pepto into its tank because it ate too many fake gold chains, or one of those pencil thin “gangsta” beards isn’t setting right in its stomach. If this happens, try feeding it a few of those granola munching hippies.

They’re all natural and probably good for it.

* Independent: It’s a F***ING SHARK.

It doesn’t care that you’re home. It doesn’t care that you left. It doesn’t care that you love him and keep his picture on your desk in a stupid little frame so that Doris the cat lady gives you weird looks whenever she walks by your cube…

It just wants food, and occasionally maybe a head nod of solidarity or a fin-to-fist bump of companionship. He’ll feel loved and content, and you’ll look good in your new hook.

Chicks dig Pirates.

* Intelligent, but not TOO smart: Not one shark, ever, has made it out of high school.

Ever.
And they don’t care. They don’t even pretend that they’re going to go back for their GED so that they can make something of their lives. They just swim around like the big, angry SUV’s of the ocean, and eat all of the smart kids.

And then they laugh.

…and say things like:

“Wow, look at how smart you are. Look at how intelligent and superior you feel because you know things like math and spelling. Look at your big brain – it’s lodged between my teeth BECAUSE I’M A F***ING SHARK!”

…you know. If they could talk.

* F***ing COOL: Say that you have a new puppy and you’ll get a few aws and ahs as people pretend to give a damn.

Say that you have a f***ing SHARK and people will stop dead in their tracks. Not only will they want to see pictures, (like the one Doris keeps giving the stink eye to) they’ll want to come over and see it.

You could *probably* charge them an admission fee, if you wanted to.

Then they’d come over and be amazed and want to be your friend because they’d KNOW that you have to be pretty f***ing cool in order to have your own pet shark. They’d want to hang out all the time, and socialize and you’d actually have a real chance at forming a bond. A lasting friendship with another human being who not only has grown to love you, but respects and trusts you.

Then you can feed his ass to your shark.

Because that’s what Mr. Snuggles would do for *YOU*.

Sharks are f***ing cool.

-Coyote