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…Jesus hints that you like dudes.

And once that rumor gets out from THAT source? Good luck squelching it.

The Idea: Become a Professional Gamer

Why it sounds like a brilliant plan: You love video games, you’re GOOD at video games, and if you can get paid to do something that you love and are good at, why the hell would you not try to follow your dreams?

How many people in this world are blessed with the opportunity to do what they want for a living, and actually love what they are doing? Do you think that a poo farmer (Actual job. You farm poo.) grew up wanting to dig around in cow crap all day?

No. He had hopes and dreams and wishes that he didn’t follow until there was nothing left of him but a hollowed out husk of a man. Who plays in poo. And has to wear those really big “probably a serial killer” rubber hip waders.

Why you shouldn’t even bother: Because no matter how much you truly love something, the moment it becomes “work”, it’s going to lose a bit of its luster.

For example:

Say you love making cupcakes.

And who wouldn’t? Cupcakes are f***ing delicious.

Everyone in this world is born with the instinctual love of cupcakes, and everything that cupcakes bring to the table in the form of moist deliciousness and frosting. Sure, there are people who may chime in that they don’t like cupcakes, or that they’ve never liked them and that my facts are both wrong and made up, but those people are dirty f***ing liars because EVERYONE loves cupcakes.

Unless you were born without a soul.

Then you probably prefer things like “baby heads” and “kitten faces” eaten in the darkness of whatever subterranean lair you abscond to after stealing said items. But ten bucks says that while you hunch over on a pile of skulls like Gollum from the Lord of The Rings and much down on a couple of fresh squeezed baby noggins, you were WISHING that you had a cupcake.

They’re just that good.

But I digress.

So you love to make cupcakes. You enjoy mixing and baking and bringing into the world one of the few things that everyone (except the soulless baby eaters) loves. Because of this you happily take a job as a baker so that you can mass produce the objects of your (and our) love. Exactly one month and 9,000 cupcakes later, you realize that amidst the flour and the sugar, and colored frosting….

…you f***ing HATE cupcakes.

And if you never see another god damn cupcake again, it’ll be too soon. Your soul, your passion, and your love were leeched from your body until a hole appeared in your heart that was quickly filled by an ink black liquid sludge of hate. And then you ripped the melons off of a couple of nearby kids, and ran into your sewer palace in order to eat in peace.

All because you made that shit a JOB.

Professional Gaming would be the same exact thing. Admittedly, you love your games and playing them, and being paid to do so would ROCK – until you realize that in order to get good, (and I’m talking REALLY good) you’d have to play the same maps, levels, and boards, of the same game…over…and over…and over again. And as you did? You’d develop a taste for kitten faces.

I’m telling you, it HAPPENS.

The Idea: Count Cards Or Find A Way To Cheat a Casino

Why it sounds like a brilliant plan: Face it…

Geeks are smart.

And because of that, MOST of us are good at math, statistics, or just figuring out how stuff works in ways that other people don’t anticipate. Because of this, pitting our wits against odds that are supposed to be “stacked” suddenly makes a LOT of sense.

Counting cards? Figuring out algorithms and patterns? Raising your chances of making it big, all without technically doing ANYTHING illegal? What could make more sense than THAT?

Why you shouldn’t even bother: Because Casinos will F*** you UP.

Casinos have no sense of humor, no half-smile of begrudging respect at being bested, and offer NO quarter to anyone who tries to up the odds and take even one cent more than the average. Casinos, and the people they employ, will F*** you up.

And they will do so without thought, hesitation or fear of prosecution.

“Oh come on. Those days are GONE. That doesn’t happen anymore! Casinos are now legitimate businesses that at worst will kick you out and ban you from playing there.” You might be thinking if you’re a complete and total f***ing moron who doesn’t particularly like his kneecaps.

These places are every bit as rough and tumble as they once were – they just don’t advertise that fact anymore.

Living in a PC world, a place that has obvious ties to things like “performing kidney surgery with baseball bat and badly dented dumpster lid” is seen as “bad for business” and the public will usually avoid them, so Casinos do fun things to lose that image. They have family day and hire magicians and clowns, and silly entertainers…

But make no mistake.

This guy?

THIS guys still really works there, even if you have never seen him. And unlike the cupcake lady, HE LOVES his f***ing job.

Just like in the movies, he will beat you within an inch of your life and leave you for dead. UNLIKE in the movies, he won’t talk to you, give you a reason, or allow you to plead or trick him. He’ll just walk up, rearrange your body parts into a human Picasso, and then go back inside where he will disappear and the cops will be unable to find him, or anyone that has ever seen him.

It’s like getting your ass beat by your imaginary friend. Except your imaginary friend is real, employed by the Casino, and is now selling your kidneys on eBay because you and your two buddies thought you could beat the system.

Welcome to the USSR, because in Soviet Russia, system beats YOU.

Bloody. And then probably puts a cigar out in your eye or something f***ed up like that.

Which is why you should have stuck to the slot machines.

-Coyotski