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Reloading...

Reloading... Summer Sucks

Posted Mon, Jun 13, 2011 by Ethec

Welcome to the 19th edition of Reloading...

(While our E3 crew crunches out more coverage from last week's show, Arxkanite steps in to bring you season's greetings. Editor's note: Ten Ton Hammer isn't really disgusted by kids, especially big ones, just Kevin. And... we kind of liked Thor, pedophilia accusations aside.)

I HATE SUMMER! To be fair, I also hate winter, spring, and fall. But I HATE SUMMER the MOST! People think I’m some kind of crazy-mutant-insane-diseased-wacko-freak-alien that should be quarantined whenever I tell them I hate summer. Beluga Butt! I’m perfectly sane. There are plenty of reasons to hate summer.

First, Kids! Ugh! Sick! During summer there are kids running around everywhere. These barely human, parasitic worms suck the lives from their parents. They run in circles and scream in high pitch voices about coodies and Pokemon. It’s like a real-life Barren’s chat, utterly disgusting.  At least during the other 9 months of the year, the government forces them into prisons during business hours.

Then there are summer movies. Summer movies are often some of the worst movies ever created. Take Thor for example; this movie attempts to convince audiences into thinking pedophilia is okay. The movie is literally about some dude over 1000 years old who travels to earth on a bridge made of rainbows to mack out with some ditsy chick 1/50th his age. Talk about robing the cradle!

Then there is Kung Fu Panda 2. In this movie you have a morbidly obese panda encouraging the youth of our nation to eat as much as possible. According to this movie, you can now suffer from crippling heart disease and still be a super martial arts hero. HELLO?! We already have enough fat people in the country. Hell, 8 out of 5 average wow players will have a heart attack this year alone. (4 average wow players make up the mass of 8 healthy people). Do we really need movies like this?

The absolute worst part of Summer is all the decrepit morons who have the nerve to ask me, “are you enjoying the weather?”. Every time I’m asked this question I just want to shove my fist through their skulls. NO I’M NOT ENJOYING THE WEATHER! I live in a dark windowless room without air-conditioning playing video games 18hrs / day. When the sun comes out, I cook like a thanksgiving day turkey.

On the few occasions I must travel into the world, my skin cracks and blisters, my eyes burn as though someone shoved a hot poker through them, and i begin to sweat more than Rosie O'donnell’s fat rolls. But nooooooooooooooo! If I don’t want to go to prison, I have to grin and lie through my teeth at the inconsiderate posterior-faced peons, “yes, I'm enjoying the weather quite well!”. I hope each and everyone of them is cast into hell where they can burn eternally in the blistering heat they love so much.

Phew, I guess I got a bit angry there! Well anyways I decided which new pet to adopt! I’m going to get a Bearded Dragon!

Until next time,

Kevin “Arxkanite” Fluidsnatcher
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I love the picture of Kevin from his 3rd grade PE class......ahhh, good memories. :D

Lies! I was never a kid. I was born a full grown... umm... "Man". My mom wasn't too happy about that.

wait a second... i read that editor's note again... You guys are disgusted with me? For shame! You should be a lot more then simply disgusted with me.... I mean... did you see this seething *(&-pile I wrote?

You should at the minimum be biliously dyspeptic and feverously stricken with spewing consumptive, regurgitating, and retched scrofulous vertigo.

Seriously...

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