WoW Holiday Special - Letters to Santa Thrall

By Jason Bechdel -

It is that time of the year again, and the holiday season has officially arrived in World of Warcraft. The cities are decorated with bright lights that shine and sparkle, fancy trees fitted with all the trimmings stand in places of honor, and Horde and Alliance of all ages and races are making that extra effort to be especially good.

Why the sudden rush to do good will you may ask? It’s all to impress a very strange Orc who wears the colors red and white and who brings all good Horde and Alliance players their hearts desires on that one special night. Santa Thrall is the name of this wondrous Orc and for those familiar with him he is everything that is good and magical in the World of Azeroth and beyond.

While magic a plenty has this jolly old Orc, it is not by magic alone that he  discovers what to bring to each individual girl and boy. No, those wishing to be paid a visit by Santa Thrall must first write letters with their requests. This year we at here at Ten Ton Hammer got an extra special treat when Santa Thrall agreed to share some of those letters with us and now in the holiday spirit we would like to share them with you.

Elune-Adore Santa Thrall,

While I’ve spent most of my long years inside the Emerald Dream, I am not completely oblivious to things taking place in the waking world therefore you are known to me. Even though I have been awake for some time now, because of my long absence and my druidic nature to live as simply as possible I have never before had the need to ask anything of you, simply being pleased with the knowledge that you would be bringing happiness to so many

others throughout the world.

This year, however, is different. I find myself faced with a rather embarrassing problem and though I receive many visitors, especially my beloved Tyrande, I am hesitant to ask for their assistance. As you may know, I am engaged in an epic struggle to keep Darkshore from being ripped apart. This struggle of course takes place in the middle of a massive vortex which in itself is not the problem.

Being stuck here all day is not pleasant, but we elves who have seen centuries past have patience beyond measure. The problem can be summed up in two simple words; dragon feces. You see dragons have taken a liking to flying at the top most parts of the vortex day and night, and while they don’t dare to bother me, they do leave quite a few nasty little presents.

So to say the least, I am literally covered in feces. To remedy this problem I have come to you in my time of need in hopes that you will deliver to me something as simple as an umbrella to deflect most of the nasty substance, or if you are really feeling generous, perhaps an entire hazmat suit. The choice lies in your hands Santa Thrall, please do not let me down.


Malfurion Stormrage


My time is short and my patience even shorter, and speaking to a silly Orc who insists upon dressing in a disgraceful fashion is something I would consider a huge waste of my precious time. But I find myself out of options and while I usually am able to just take what I need by way of sheer strength, this situation is far more….delicate.

Despite the fact that I find the fact

you dare to call yourself an Orc sickening and personally wish for nothing more than to be able to feed you to some ravenous wolves I do have a certain reputation to protect, and divulging this request to anyone else would surely ruin it. You see despite my prowess in battle and my overall impressive presence it appears that I may be…lacking…in other areas.

I became aware of this as I tried to take an Orc wench to bed last night and she had the audacity to laugh at me. Miserable wench, laughing at the Warchief when she should have been prostrating herself before me! I of course had her strung up by her entrails before the night was over, but the problem still remains and I will not be made a fool of again.

My request to you then is for a package of those newfangled pills the Goblins have started selling. They claim they enhance both size and endurance and while I feel the Goblins are in general a waste of space, this new invention of theirs could hopefully remedy my small problem. Of course this is a matter of utmost secrecy upon pain of death. IF ever anyone would find out about my request what I would do to you would have you wishing for death.
Let me remind you Santa Thrall that letting the Warchief down is never a good idea, not even for the likes of you and I never give second chances. Do not fail me.

Garrosh Hellscream
Warchief of the Horde

Puny Mortal Santa,

While I hold fleshy beings such as yourself in the lowest regard possible, lower than even the most sniveling creature, I have found that despite my raging hatred my heart apparently has no such bounds. For I Therazane, ruler of dirt and earth, have fallen in love with the one named Nuunwa, the caretaker left by the Earthen Ring.

It’s true that the presence of those meddling and bothersome mortals working for the Earthen Ring have impressed me in their dedication to restoring balance to the world and thereby saving my beloved realm, however as proven by the death of my daughter, fleshy beings are traitorous and will in the end put a dagger in your back.

But when I caught my first glimpse of him, as I arrived to help defend the Temple of Earth in a great battle, my stone heart thudded in my chest and at that moment I knew. I tried to deny it, but my mind kept wandering to his sparkling eyes, and bluish tinted skin so much like a stone. Now after much internal struggle I know that I must have him. With my awesome powers I find little beyond my reach however in this case I must seek out help.

You see deep in the realm of earth there is little in the way of fashion, and so I find myself in love and ready to present myself with nothing to wear. As you can imagine outfitting a woman of my size is no easy task, however the mortals I have spoken to have ensured me you will be up to the task. I hope this is true because I simply cannot present myself to my love without something positively stunning to wear.

If you fail me in this, as I expect you will, and I am rejected by my love, I will hold you personally responsible and will find great pleasure in crushing you in my palm until your bones become dust.


We here at Ten Ton Hammer hope you have enjoyed this glimpse into Santa Thrall’s mail and wish you a happy and safe holiday season and hope that Santa Thrall will be visiting your house this year.

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