It is that time of the year again, and the holiday season has
officially arrived in World of Warcraft. The cities are decorated with
bright lights that shine and sparkle, fancy trees fitted with all the
trimmings stand in places of honor, and Horde and Alliance of all ages
and races are making that extra effort to be especially good.
Why the sudden rush to do good will you may ask? It’s all to
impress a very strange Orc who wears the colors red and white and who
brings all good Horde and Alliance players their hearts desires on that
one special night. Santa Thrall is the name of this wondrous Orc and
for those familiar with him he is everything that is good and magical
in the World of Azeroth and beyond.
While magic a plenty has this jolly old Orc, it is not by magic alone
that he discovers what to bring to each individual girl and
No, those wishing to be paid a visit by Santa Thrall must first write
letters with their requests. This year we at here at Ten Ton Hammer got
an extra special treat when Santa Thrall agreed to share some of those
letters with us and now in the holiday spirit we would like to share
them with you.
I’ve spent most of my
long years inside the Emerald Dream, I am not completely oblivious to
things taking place in the waking world therefore you are known to me.
Even though I have been awake for some time now, because of my long
absence and my druidic nature to live as simply as possible I have
never before had the need to ask anything of you, simply being pleased
with the knowledge that you would be bringing
happiness to so many
others throughout the world.
year, however, is different. I
find myself faced with a rather embarrassing problem and though I
receive many visitors, especially my beloved Tyrande, I am hesitant to
ask for their assistance. As you may know, I am engaged in an epic
struggle to keep Darkshore from being ripped apart. This struggle of
course takes place in the middle of a massive vortex which in itself is
not the problem.
stuck here all day is not
pleasant, but we elves who have seen centuries past have patience
beyond measure. The problem can be summed up in two simple words;
dragon feces. You see dragons have taken a liking to flying at the top
most parts of the vortex day and night, and while they don’t
to bother me, they do leave quite a few nasty little presents.
to say the least, I am literally
covered in feces. To remedy this problem I have come to you in my time
of need in hopes that you will deliver to me something as simple as an
umbrella to deflect most of the nasty substance, or if you are really
feeling generous, perhaps an entire hazmat suit. The choice lies in
your hands Santa Thrall, please do not let me down.
time is short and my patience even
shorter, and speaking to a silly Orc who insists upon dressing in a
disgraceful fashion is something I would consider a huge waste of my
precious time. But I find myself out of options and while I usually am
able to just take what I need by way of sheer strength, this situation
is far more….delicate.
the fact that I find the fact
you dare to call yourself an Orc sickening and personally wish for
nothing more than to be able to feed you to
some ravenous wolves
have a certain reputation to protect, and divulging this request to
anyone else would surely ruin it. You see despite my prowess in battle
and my overall impressive presence it appears that I may
be…lacking…in other areas.
became aware of this as I tried to
take an Orc wench to bed last night and she had the audacity to laugh
at me. Miserable wench, laughing at the Warchief when she should have
been prostrating herself before me! I of course had her strung up by
her entrails before the night was over, but the problem still remains
and I will not be made a fool of again.
request to you then is for a
package of those newfangled pills the Goblins have started selling.
They claim they enhance both size and endurance and while I feel the
Goblins are in general a waste of space, this new invention of theirs
could hopefully remedy my small problem. Of course this is a matter of
utmost secrecy upon pain of death. IF ever anyone would find out about
my request what I would do to you would have you wishing for death.
me remind you Santa Thrall that
letting the Warchief down is never a good idea, not even for the likes
of you and I never give second chances. Do not fail me.
of the Horde
I hold fleshy beings such as
yourself in the lowest regard possible, lower than even the most
sniveling creature, I have found that despite my raging hatred my heart
apparently has no such bounds. For I Therazane, ruler of dirt and
earth, have fallen in love with the one named Nuunwa, the caretaker
left by the Earthen Ring.
true that the presence of
those meddling and bothersome mortals working for the Earthen Ring have
impressed me in their dedication to restoring balance to the
thereby saving my beloved realm,
however as proven by the death of my
daughter, fleshy beings are traitorous and will in the end put a dagger
in your back.
when I caught my first glimpse of
him, as I arrived to help defend the Temple of Earth in a great battle,
my stone heart thudded in my chest and at that moment I knew. I tried
to deny it, but my mind kept wandering to his sparkling eyes, and
bluish tinted skin so much like a stone. Now after much internal
struggle I know that I must have him. With my awesome powers I find
little beyond my reach however in this case I must seek out help.
see deep in the realm of earth
there is little in the way of fashion, and so I find myself in love and
ready to present myself with nothing to wear. As you can imagine
outfitting a woman of my size is no easy task, however the mortals I
have spoken to have ensured me you will be up to the task. I hope this
is true because I simply cannot present myself to my love without
something positively stunning to wear.
you fail me in this, as I expect
you will, and I am rejected by my love, I will hold you personally
responsible and will find great pleasure in crushing you in my palm
until your bones become dust.
We here at Ten Ton Hammer hope you have enjoyed this glimpse into Santa
Thrall’s mail and wish you a happy and safe holiday season
hope that Santa Thrall will be visiting your house this year.