By: Phil "Ralphedelominius" Comeau
There is no cause for alarm! Loading... will return. In its place, today, I give you... WTF? It's like all the nutritional content of Loading... with half the funny!
Just pretend I'm a substitute teacher for Ten Ton Hammer home-room. No, this will not be on the test.
It's here! The day I love to hate - Valentine's Day. Everywhere across the globe, women are gushing, men are cringing and greeting card executives are cackling with glee. Who says I have to shell out annually for a box of chocolates in a tacky heart-shaped box, accompanied by a flimsy bit of card with trite, sappy poetry in neat typeface inside? Bah, humbug! Oh, wait, wrong commercialized holiday...
Wikipedia says that St Valentine's Day is named for a Roman priest beheaded in the 3rd century, or a bishop of Terni who was also, oddly enough, beheaded in the 3rd century (though in a different location), or another priest in North Africa who may or may not have secretly married couples against the rules, and may or may not have been beheaded. WTF? Where's the romance link in there? Unless you're an abused altar boy, you probably don't get much of a warm-and-fuzzy feeling when you think about cutting off a priest's head with an axe.
Or maybe you do.
Card, schmard! I'm giving my missus her very own World of Warcraft account! We can walk hand in virtual hand down the shore across from the Echo Isles, watch the sun set in real time into the desert sands and enjoy a picnic of Cactus Apple Surprise and Refreshing Spring Water. Hmmmm. Perhap World of Warcraft has more in common with Valentine's Day than at first blush - she *can* cut off my priest's head with an axe if we get into a dueling mood! It's all in the spirit of the holiday, of course. It's brilliant! "I love you dearest... now, prepare to have your face melted! Pwned! one11eleventybillion! Now, how 'bout some somethin'-somethin'... [MrsRalph has gone offline]... Dammit."
So, no card this year, no candlelit dinner - I'm giving her a Level 1 Troll Hunter!
Am I in trouble? Bah, what do you know... Yeah, Boomjack will be back soon, why do you ask?
Comments? Flames? Sappy Valentines? Let me have it!
Game Movie: Stab It Out
Vin Diesel Fact of the Day: Vin Diesel can crash a World of Warcraft server just by logging in to play. I'm guessing Vin logs into every server each Monday evening.
Here's what's new on the network!
- Online Weddings: 'For Love is a many Splendored Thing'
Online Weddings - we've all heard of them. Have you ever seen one in person, though? Perhaps not? Well, Merriandra over at Ten Ton Hammer Vanguard has! She has the rare experience of both participating in her own and officiating at other online weddings in her days as a Guide in EQLive.
- AA - A Guide to Getting Started in Beta
Are you lost and confused, all alone on St Valentine's Day? Perhaps the idea of vehicular carnage appeals to you as a way to improve your spirits? Yes? Yeah, it works for me, too! Xerin and his crew at Ten Ton Hammer Auto Assault have compiled just the guide for you, giving up the scoop on the how-to for entry into the Auto Assault Beta, currently ongoing.
- DDO - Awen Interviews Samantha Russell
Samantha Russell is the community manager for European DUNGEONS & DRAGONS ONLINE™: Stormreach™. She was kind enough to answer a few questions for me about not only her preferences in DDO, but also about Codemasters in general.
- Dungeons and Dragons: Romance and Dragons
"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and in lieu of chocolates in a heart-shaped box, Ralsu gives us a look at love and romance in online gaming. How will those of us lookin' for love fare in Dungeons & Dragons Online (DDO)? Put down that trashy romance novel and prepare yourself by reading our editorial."
- Dungeons and Dragons: Quest Journal #5 - The Missing Ward
"Aloyce, Ralsu, and Shayalyn battle undead in an attempt to rescue a missing woman from the clutches of a necromancer. Follow the party on a new adventure filled with monsters, magic, and intrigue. Our quest journals will provide clues to the adventures that await in Dungeons & Dragons Online: Stormreach when it launches on February 28."
- Guild Wars: Love Is In The Air
"Valentine's Day is almost here, but is it a time for romance or a time for commercialization?"
- Lord of the Rings Online: Love, Middle-Earth Style
"Okay, so Tolkien lore isn't exactly rife with romance, but Aragorn loved Arwen and Samwise loved Rosie and hey, perhaps love will be in the air some day in Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar (LOTRO). Shayalyn takes a look at love in online games, and the heightened potential for relationships in LOTRO. She also shares a bit of her personal history when it comes to romance and online games. (Oh, the scandal!)"
- Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Candy Hearts and Pretty Flowers
"Candy hearts and pretty flowers are the common thoughts this time of year. Aunraye joins the other writer's across the network as we look at love in MMOs. She reminds us that not all love is romantic. What does she mean? Check it out!"
- EverQuest 2: Is Love In The Virtual Air?
"Valentine's Day! The day dedicated to showing our loved ones, how much we care for them. And while we buy cards and candy for that special someone, don't forget to throw a little love at the friends that bring life to our virtual worlds. Savanja shares her take on the most important love in-game."
- Where's the Love? Relationships in MMORPGs.
"Looking for love in your favorite MMOG? No, I'm not talking about Valentine's Day-themed quests or creepy cyber encounters. I mean the cutesy-wootsy, "long walks along the pixellated beach" relationship kind of love. Ethec has a few words of advice for those lonely hearts aching for that special someone with just the right... faction alignments."
- Auto Assault: Love In The Wastelands
"This week's common content feature is all about love. How does Valentine's Day affect Auto Assault? Well luckily for us, NetDevil has the Valentine's Day Massacre. This event is an extended beta period for everyone with a pre-order. This opens up the possibility of convincing that special someone that Auto Assault is the perfect hobby to share. That is of course, you don't approach them about it the wrong way!"
- Auto Assault: Agent and Constructor Skill Listing
"Want to know what makes Agents stealthy and Constructors healthy? Well then check out our new skill lists for both the Agent and Constructor classes. Agents are the Biomek's "rogue" class.
Attacking from stealth and clearing all of the enemies in their path, they are a force to reckon with. The Constructor class is the "healing" class. Don't let that fool you though! They pack quite the punch."
- World of Warcraft: Guide to Onyxia - Horde Attunement
"Today brings the first section of our Onyxia guide here at TenTonHammer. This first section is all about how to become attuned to the Onyxia instance so that you can enter. This portion is for Horde players. The Alliance guide will follow later this week, so check back soon!"
- World of Warcraft: Shields Make Good Surfboards
"Shields Make Good Surfboards: An End Game Warrior Discussion"
- Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Defensive Fighters
"Martuk starts his four part series that will look at the standard roles of the classes in MMOs. This week he looks at the Defensive Fighter. Not only does he look at the traditional, but talks about what may be needed in Vanguard: Saga of Heroes once it launches some time this year."
- World of Warcraft: Battlegate
"Ten Ton Hammer recently started a guild on the new Sen'jin server. I've been
playing World of Warcraft on and off for the year that it's been live. In all of
that time I've never entered a BG or willingly PVP'd. That all changed this
weekend when the new crew convinced me that it was fun. They were right! It
was an exhilarating experience of non stop action. At first I spent a lot of time running around in circles in a panic and then after the second time I found myself in the groove."
- Everquest 2: Crafting With the Carpenters
"If you just imagined a guy dancing in baggy pants and yelled "Stop!" then you went to a dark, dark place like I did. This time we are talking about a real hammer...well ok a virtual hammer. Just get that song out of my head! TenTonHammer sat down with master Carpenter Adeste and discusses how this class is percieved and what could be improved."
- EverQuest 2: Guide to Mystics
"With wards to protect from damage, and heals to rejuvenate health, this class is a powerful type of priest. Slide takes the mystery out of the new Mystic spells with an updated list and spell progression table."
- Auto Assault: Top 10 Reasons To Pre-order Auto Assault
"With Devrek in the loony bin, what will we do? Have me sub in for him! I'm nowhere near as funny as Devrek, since that is his job and all to be funny, but I'll do in a pinch! This week we bring you a humerous look at the top 10 reasons you should pre-order Auto Assault.
Of course this is just a humorous look at it. Why would you need 10 reasons to go pre-order Auto Assault?"
Now for some real-world WTF?, right in your face!
- Lou Ferrigno Becomes Sheriff's Deputy
Hulk write ticket!
- Gretzky Press Conference Compared to Crucifixion
Don't all hockey players walk on water in every game?
- Australians prove that money can't buy happiness
Money can still buy love, however, if you cruise the right neighbourhood
- Man Plots Destruction of Non-existent Refinery
Next on the Terror Watch List - attacks against Elbonia
As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com!
-- Phil "Ralphedelominius" Comeau