EQ2 Interviews: An Interview with Death

By Coyotee Sharptongue

A large Kerran holding a microphone looks solemnly into the camera as he speaks.

“An icy hand gripping your heart, robbing it of its warmth as you slowly die. Accident, murder…fate. Death. A name we all know – a name once both respected and feared. But who is the man behind the robes? What lays beneath the layers rotted skin and sun bleached bones, and what is he doing now that the very macabre trade he once pedaled is obsolete. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news, bringing you this first ever LIVE interview with none other than DEATH – himself.” Coyotee towards a sinister looking skeletal figure dressed in black robes who towers silently beside him.

Death's face is hidden deep within a black hood as his robed head slowly turns towards the reporter, the sound of bone and sinew snapping with the effort of the move.

"Heya folks." Death says suddenly in a cheerful voice as he waves a boney hand at the camera.

"Mr. Reaper, Grim if I may? You were once the most feared and respected entity in all of the world. How did you get your start?" Coyotee asks, holding the microphone towards the specter's hood.

"Funny story there. I'm DYING to tell ya. Get it? Dying? HA! That's a death joke. Hehe. Anyway, I wasn't always DEATH Death. Newp, had to work my fingers to the BONE. Get it? To the bone? Another death joke. Hehe. But seriously, it takes a LOT of hard work and DEAD-ication to work your way up the ranks. Hehe. DEAD-ication. I kill me. Wait! I kill EVERYONE don't I? " Death asks rhetorically as he chuckles to himself.

"What do you mean that you “weren't always DEATH Death."? Are you saying that there were others?" Coyotee asks in confusion.

"Oh sure. I got the job from the last Death. Fella by the name of Bernie Hammerwitz. GOOD guy, hell GOOD Death.” The skeletal figure reminices fondly. “I tell ya, no matter what it was, Plague, Locus, falling Anvils. Bernie could do it all and still find time take down a senior’s home or two. Now me? I started out modest. A murder here, a double suicide there. Real amateur hack stuff. Luckily I got my big break when I slipped into the gig of "Squirrel Death." The Grim Reaper chuckles from the depth of his hood as he nods towards the camera.

"Um..squirrel death?" Coyotee asks as he looks around in confusion.

"Oh SURE. Nasty little things them squirrels. You'd get a pack of 'em in a
feeding frenzy, hear this horrible “Weeeee!!” sound and BOOM! They'd skeletalize a large ogre in seconds. Nasty little buggers.” He emphasizes as he slaps a bony fist into his skeletal palm.

“Squirrels.” The reporter echoes the single world incredulously.

"You ever SEEN a squirrel?" Death asks, peering over at Coyotee.

"Um. No. No, I can't say that I have." Coyotee admits to the camera.

"That's because I killed them ALL baby! Hot DAMN I was that good." He laughs loudly as he shakes his head. “Man..those were the days.” He sighs as he turns back towards the reporter.

“And now – your services are no longer needed. You’ve been terminated, if you’d pardon the phrase, and find yourself out of work.” The cat-man says sadly as he shakes his head.

“Yeah. I gotta tell you though I’m not surprised.” The Grim Reaper admits to the surprise of the reporter.

“Not surprised? You knew you were going to be replaced?” Coyotee asks in shock and awe as Death shrugs.

“I saw it coming a mile away. People eating better, exercising, that god damn YOGA. It was just a matter of time.” Death admits with a defeated shrug.

“So what now? Where do you go from here? Is this the last we’ll see of “Death”?” Coyotee asks as the robed reaper laughs loudly.

“Oh hell no! I’ve got BIG plans baby! BIG plans! BIG!” He yells excitedly, throwing his arms in the air, sending clumps of rotted flesh and grave dirt flying.

Coyotee looks down at his shirt, his eyes wide in disgust as a large chunk of ichor sticks to his chest and slowly oozes downward.

"Oh. Hey, sorry about that. I’m fallin’ apart. Ha! Let me get that for you-" Death says reaching a hand towards the reporter.

The moment his finger brushes the chest of the Kerran reporter, he falls over dead at Death’s feet.

The Grim Reaper looks around quickly before nudging Coyotee with his foot.

"Oops - Death touch. Yeaaahh..forgot about that." He chuckles as he prods the reporter with his foot a few more times. “Damn.” He adds looking around again.

“Well…he won’t be needing that wallet anymore…” Death laughs darkly as he reaches down towards the dead form of Coyotee before noticing the camera.

He stares at the camera for a long moment before looking at the wallet in his hand. Smiling he looks back up at the recorder and points.

“Oh..hey. You. Cameraman…c’mere for a minute. I wanna show you something.” The Grim Reaper says in a friendly voice as he reaches towards the camera as it instantly cuts to static.


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

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