Here we are again with another EverQuest 2 patch fixing various bugs and adding new content. We at Ten Ton Hammer would like to take the time to break down exactly how this Game Update will affect all of your various playstyles. We'd like to, but Coyote and RadarX were put in charge of commenting on the notes so let the mocking begin!

During "Storm Break" (GU47): The Void Tempests are continuing to threaten Norrath! Librarian Feldarn of Freeport's Academy of Arcane Science and Librarian Dungil of Qeynos' Concordium are looking for volunteers to help battle the onslaught of darkness from beyond. Qeynos and Freeport have broken ground on major construction projects just off the coasts of Antonica and Commonlands. Visit the docks to see the new activity!

RadarX: And while you are there at the docks you can shop for fresh fish and hookers. Why is all the good stuff always built at the docks?

Coyote: And more importantly, why are you building hookers again?

RadarX: It's kind of like building fish just with high heels.

Coyote: Yeeaaah. This is why we don't double date.

The Tangrin and Avatar of Growth encounters now warn players 3 seconds before it's time for them to start moving.

RadarX: Now that is an entire 3 seconds. Just enough time to exclaim "Oh crap! What just happened to the tank?"

Coyote: And thus the slow readers were quickly culled from the herd.

RadarX: Now recruiting fast readers for Hardcore raiding guild! Must be able to read 100 words per minute.

Coyote: Yeah, good luck trying to find literate people to talk to in an MMO.

The Tangrin will no longer spawn a new beehive if any raid member already possesses one.

RadarX: Instead it will now spawn a 10 year old girl in a bee costume who will dance around in a disturbing manner.

Coyote: The Tangrin will no longer sport a beehive, but Lucan D’Lere is KEEPING his mullet.

RadarX: All he can say is that his life is pretty plain....

Coyote:.... I will give you a MILLION dollars if you can name another Blind Melon song.

RadarX: I'll give you two if you can get that song out of my head and promise it'll never get stuck there again.

All named and boss NPCs in Kunark now drop Adept I and Master I scrolls equal to or less than their level. (No more farming Karnor's Castle to track down those remaining 71-74 scrolls.)

RadarX: Now the only farming done in Karnor's will be by actual farmers.

Coyote: Well I for one think it is refreshing to see the agriculturally inclined relax with a good old fashioned video game. I mean they work ALL day in the fields growing corn and stuff. I applaud them for breaking the stereotype.

RadarX: Dude...gold farmers. Farming gold?

Coyote: HAHAHA...man are you stupid. Gold doesn't GROW on farms! It's a mineral! Man do you watch too much T.V.

RadarX:.... .... and you have a driver's license.

 

Many of the named creatures in Sebilis, Chardok, and Karnor's Castle no longer have place holders. The also have a longer respawn time and will now always drop legendary rewards.

RadarX: More loot plus more camping required equals...what does that equal?

Coyote: Catching up on your Netflix while waiting on a spawn timer.

RadarX: Watching DVD's while playing? Well I guess I COULD play my healer...

Coyote: This is why you never get rezzes.

 

When creatures in the level 1-20 range randomly drop Adept I and Master spells, they will only be ones that you or the members of your group can use.

RadarX: But...if you limit the options is it really "random?"

Coyote: Yes. They randomly drop a specific item.......wait.

RadarX: They are only random in their specificity related to your party so while in spirit their randomness is understood, the...crap I've gone cross-eyed.

Coyote: Well...that was certainly...hmm..what's the word...

RadarX: Random?

Coyote: I was going to say "poorly written and sad with a side of monkey poo" but random works too.

Adventure writs now award 500 faction points per writ upon completion.

RadarX: These points can be exchanged for roughly 2 copper (10 silver in the EU) at most vendors.

Coyote: Badger Faction! FIX THE FRIGGING BADGER FACTION! WHO HAS BADGER FACTION?! I HAVE BADGER FACTION! I AM MCDIBBLES BITCH! HAHAHAAHA!

RadarX: What is it with you siding with badgers? I mean they are...badgers.

Coyote: I wanted...no..I NEEDED to finish that quest. It was the ONLY one left in the whole frelling zone. McDibbles commands me. I am his willing slave. ALL HAIL MCDIBBLES!

The cities of Neriak and Gorowyn now offer titles and other rewards for those who have earned faction with their respective cities by completing writs. Also, a new shade of formal wear is now available to those who are ranked as ally with any city faction.

RadarX: And let me tell you those people are looking FABOULOUS! Dark Elf Xico'lity! Who are you wearing?

Coyote: And that new shade is black. Black IS the new black.

RadarX: Actually I hear that only smart people can see the new clothes and unless you are superior in intellect you can't even SEE them.

Coyote:...do you just want an excuse to walk around naked?

RadarX:.............yes.

 

Page 5 of A History of the Vah Shir, Vol. I is now tradable.

RadarX: Thank goodness...there was a huge disconnect between page 4 and 6.

Coyote: Kittera's eyes sparkled with mischief as she allowed the towel to drop, revealing her bare form in all of its curvaceous glory to Thomas. Purring deep within her throat she beckoned him closer. "I need you to -" ...laid together, exhausted. Their sensual yet extremely graphic mating which was described in erotic detail on page five over whelming them as they drifted into sleep." ...wait. What?!? WHERE IS PAGE FIVE?!?

RadarX: This also means people can stop hoarding all the page 5's. You know you are and we know you have them in your bathroom.

Coyote: And actually, we don't want them to be trade now. 'Cause..ya know...eeeewww.

The quests that awarded potions/elixirs from the Hand of Marr and Brethren of Night camps now award more.

RadarX: Mooooooore? That is one thing I can certainly say we never have enough of.

Coyote: You never have enough of more? You greedy bastard.

RadarX: More is always better unless we are talking about nerfs.

Coyote: Or Bonds. Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and BEAT SHAWN CONNERY OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!

Innoruuk's Gift now grants the full 2% spell critical amount.

RadarX: Apparently you didn't like your original "Jelly of the Month Club"

Coyote: Takes one to know one Captain Thankful Pants.

RadarX: Hey I like jelly! I like Innoruuk too despite the fact they've been obviously stiffing us on part of our spell critical.

Coyote: Ahhh..but the question is, do you like Innoruuk Jelly?

RadarX: Is there a correct answer?

Coyote: Yes. The correct answer is "Eeeew".

Rok: Legendary Armor Sets: The Wayward Moon set has been removed from the drop tables and replaced with the Sylvan Moon set which is only equipable by Furies and Wardens. Those wishing to replace their Wayward Moon pieces for the new Sylvan Moon pieces should speak to Joonius Khristus in Teren's Grasp.

RadarX: Both sets can be found available at any Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Coyote: Or any new age shop that uses the word "Moon" in it's name and sells crystals.

RadarX: Martha Stewart has like 20 of each.

Coyote: Woven from the shredded skins of the homeless. But ya know, tastefully.

The Enigmatic Sacrifice set has been removed from the drop tables and replaced with the Cabalistic Sacrifice set which is only equipable by Defilers and Mystics. Those wishing to replace their Enigmatic Sacrifice pieces for the new Cabalistic Sacrifice pieces should speak to Joonius Khristus in Teren's Grasp.

RadarX: Apparently the Enigmatic Sacrifice was too mysterious.

Coyote: Yes. Because things that are "Cabalistic" are much more clear and concise.

RadarX: I see your point. They should have just named it "Our Income Tax System." Ha! You see what I did there? I...*sigh* Ok...I'll shut up.

Coyote: Yeah, I see exactly what you did there. You ensured that you will die a virgin.

Wrath of Nature (Fury) :Now gives out damage and heal amount bonuses. The mythical version now improves healing and damage spells based upon a percentage of your wisdom and intelligence.

RadarX: Ok I have to be honest, healing really doesn't seem very wrathful of nature.

Coyote: I dunno...bactine stings a bit. And new skin? Just ow.

RadarX: Ok maybe if a giant Band-Aid wraps around you like a cocoon? That's kinda wrathful.

Coyote: Wilford Brimley was in Cocoon with Steve Guttenberg who was in Diner with Kevin Bacon!

RadarX: Just...wow.

Coyote: DIEBEETUS!

The Impact of the Sacrosanct (Templar): The proc effect should now last slightly longer. A bonus has been added to reactives based on the templar's wisdom.

RadarX: Sacrosanct sounds like artificial sweetener.

Coyote: Sure you get a bonus to wisdom, but you end up thirsty all the time with a nine pound neck tumor because they didn't test it enough in the labs. Hehe...artificial sweetener.

RadarX: And because they based the reactive on the Templars wisdom we'll see varied times between 2 minutes and 0.01 seconds.

Coyote: Hehe...sweetener. DIEBEETUS! Hehe..

RadarX: Will you just shut up and eat your Quaker Oats?

Coyote: Can't. They cause diebeetus.

Bruisers and Monks can no longer equip Edgewalker Chainmail Leggings.

RadarX: Yup I'd call that a fix. Monks and Bruisers are supposed to wear nothing but bathrobes or bondage gear.

Coyote: This is why no one copies your porn directories.

RadarX: This is why no one leaves their computer unlocked with you in the room.

Coyote: This is why we all spit in your soda whenever you leave the room.

RadarX: This is why w...wait. What?

The Mounted Claw and Fist of Pestilence should now mount on a wall with the hand facing outwards. The Ornate Spoon, Fork, and Knife should place more accurately on flat surfaces.

RadarX: Couldn't they have save time and just made one object called an Ornate Spork?

Coyote: And remember, the ornate spoon to the LEFT of your Goblin Skull-splitter, not to the right, or people will think that you don't have manners.

RadarX: It's start from outside and move in right on utensils right? And remember not to slurp from your Bowl of Doom.

Coyote: Or it will suck in your head.

RadarX: Which is frowned upon at formal dinners.

 

The potions and elixirs from the Hand of Marr and Brethren of Night heal a more appropriate amount of health/power.

RadarX: Versus the inappropriate amount which left you with nothing but shame and regret.

Coyote: And that energy-drink after taste that made you wonder if it was strained through a hobo's socks.

RadarX: I'm sorry but I'm just not buying something from "The Brethren of Night." Aren't those the guys who got kicked out of the Stonecutters?

Coyote: They sound like an industrial Goth band with a Vampire theme. I bet they all wear leather pants and call each other Azraeal.

 

Tradeskillers who are skilled enough to see the tradeskill collection quests may find more rewards available in their travels.

RadarX: It takes skill to say skill that many times in one note.

Coyote: Yes, because three is an abnormally large number.

RadarX: When it's something like a leg? I'd say it is.

Coyote: That's what SHE said!

RadarX: We are so getting letters.

The fuel requirement for Ashen Hearths has been corrected.

RadarX: It now requires biodiesel. It's about freaking time SOE got with the program about fuel efficiency.

Coyote: It costs less and burns cleaner, but now your inn room smells like french fries.

RadarX: I'm already tired of riding the Qeynos transit system so I'll take fries to the smell of the Gnome hobos.

Coyote: Unrelated, Gnobos would make a good name for guild. Or a punk band.

Sparkling Cranberry Wine has been converted to Cranberry Cream Liqueur to avoid confusion with the existing Cranberry Sparkling Wine.

RadarX: There was confusion...over digital alcohol?

Coyote: We had the Sparkling Cranberry Wine, The Cranberry Sparking Wine, The Popular People's Front, and the People's Front of Judea. Splitters!

RadarX: I don't know whether to laugh or report you for supporting terrorism.

Coyote: Wolf nipple chips! Get'em while they're hot, they're lovely...

Faction merchants in Maj'Dul courts are now selling a number of Tier 5 Adept III recipe scrolls they were previously missing.

RadarX: I...Maj'Dul changes? *checks his calendar *

Coyote: About frigging time they changed this! I was all like "Hey, I'm in Maj'Dul all the time anyway, what gives?", because..you know. I am. All the time. Love that city that I'm in. All the time.

RadarX: YES! Yes you are! Because I am also always in Maj'Dul and I am always seeing you there all the time in the zone that we both still play in, often!

Coyote: I know! I was just talking to all the other people who are always in the zone about how we always see you in the zone that we all love and constantly still play in!

RadarX: Really? How are they all?

Coyote: They said to tell you that they hate you.

Spirit of the Wolf will now apply to the entire group within a 50m radius instead of being single target.

RadarX: OMG did this take too many years to implement. THANK you.

Coyote: Sarcasm, yeah that's original. *adjusts his goggles*

RadarX: Oh please, you are SO not Dr. Horrible. You're more like...MOIST!

Coyote: Only when you wear those shorts big boy.

RadarX: Well this is me never sleeping again...

 

The Blood Rage line will not expire until the berserker dies instead of having a 15 minute duration.

RadarX: This is a great change because I mean who really has their rage on a timer?

Coyote: Bruce Banner.

RadarX: That was rhetorical.

Coyote: So was stating that your statement was rhetorical.

RadarX: Randomly.

Coyote: With diebeetus.

Melee attacks which had secondary effects will no longer apply on a miss.

RadarX: That's friggin awesome...I didn't make contact but I debuffed the living crap out of you. It's like they were Jedi.

Coyote: You heard it here first folks! Radar SUPPORTS THE NGE! GET'EM!

RadarX: The NGE? Are people still upset about that? *stifles a giggle*

Coyote: No. Not at all. Because geeks and gamers are REALLY good at letting go and forgiving and never ever hold a grudge.

RadarX: Touche.

 

Sever Hate can no longer be used to pull through a crowded area.

RadarX: But our hate can still be used when someone doesn't use a turn signal. On a different note, people still play Enchanters?

Coyote: Someone doesn't Raid. They might be the bastard children of the beaten many, but when you're on an end raid - they're worth they're weight in gold. ....which is like 78 pounds or whatever. Enchanters are skinny.

RadarX: Back in my day we didn't have Enchanters, we just had people called "bait." That was the way it was and we LIKED it.

Coyote: Wait. I'm not an Enchanter yet I'm constantly used as bait. Is that because you like me?

RadarX: No, that's because you're expendable and easily replaced.

Coyote is now the undisputed ruler of Freeport and is wicked awesome.

RadarX:.....wicked awesome?

Coyote: Too much?

RadarX: No, not at all! And since it is still obvious 1987 we should get going so that we don't miss The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Coyote: COOL!! See you next time folks!

RadarX: Seriously. Wicked Awesome?

Coyote: Hehe..you're my Carlton. Dance white boy! DANCE!

~End~


To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our EverQuest II Game Page.

Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

Comments