GU #49 Fergaliciousness Abound

EverQuest II Humor by RadarX and
Coyote

What does every EQ2 player want more than a full set of epic armor? Well probably nothing and since we at Ten Ton Hammer can't provide that, instead we'll just jam RadarX and Coyote in a room and make them read the patch notes until they are shunned forever by the gaming community.

Enjoy as we bring you:

During "Raising the Banner" (GU49): A team of dedicated excavators and researchers have begun to uncover a remarkable find in the dunes of Sinking Sands. They have numerous tasks for any recruits willing to help defend the site, excavate relics, maintain their assisting clockworks and provide crafted supplies for the team. They cannot fathom how important this project is and how it is fated to reshape the world of Norrath for years to come!

RadarX: An interesting zone to put a special event in. I think it's a setup and they are going to spawn dozens of those little tornadoes.

Coyote: "Raising the Banner" will be sponsored jointly by Viagra and Enzyte, because you can't dig in the sand if you don't have a sturdy shovel.

RadarX:....god help me for encouraging you already but....that's a good way to get crabs.

Coyote: That's what SHE said!

Construction of the Guild Halls has been completed. Guilds of qualifying levels can now purchase halls in a variety of locations. Smaller halls can be found in North Qeynos, South Freeport, Kelethin, Neriak, and Gorowyn. Medium halls are found in South Qeynos and North Freeport, and large halls are found off the shores of Antonica and Commonlands. Click on the corresponding doors, or mariner bells on the docks, to access these new structures.

RadarX: Wow...some of the Uber guilds are so annoying SOE stuck them in the ocean. Nice.

Coyote: How long before there's a huge guild named "Rapture" in the middle of the ocean? Syringe full of Adam and creepy little kids anyone?

RadarX: Or maybe...they've intentionally put them out there. Each week one guild is voted off...

Coyote: Like that prison island from that freaky movie with the insane killers and cannibalistic society? What was it called? Australia? HA!

With the work completed on the coastal fortresses in Antonica and Commonlands the involved parties have retired to their cities and the guards have been recalled to the barracks.

RadarX: So let the looting begin.

Coyote: Good thing that they weren't Union Contractors. The Guild Halls would be finished around GU # 208.

RadarX: Nope instead they did what all governments do. Lowest bid. *whispers* Get out while you still can!

Coyote:...what kind of substandard government guild is this?!

The experience requirements for levels have been significantly lowered primarily affecting the 20 thru 70 level range. Along with the experience changes, the drop rate for Adept I spells has been increased slightly.

RadarX: Players are now also required to wear a T-shirt stating "I Pushed the Easy Button and All I got was 50 Levels."

Coyote: AWESOME! Nothing like raid groups full of two week old level 70's who still have newbie food!

RadarX: This really is a smart move on their part. Sure veteran players might be bitter but just stick them on Guild Hall Island.

Coyote: Hehe. All guild halls come with big lawns so that we can yell at the damn kids to GET OFF OF THEM!

The Shattered Vale in Antonica now has an escape point inside it.

RadarX: Releasing thousands of abandoned characters that have been trapped there over the years.

Coyote: And for the three people who've been there in the last month, there was much rejoicing. Yay.

RadarX: Not having an escape point WAS kind of funny though. Evac! EVAC! Why aren't we going anywhere?

Coyote: No, the best zones were the "EVAC! EVAC!" ..."Wait...why are we locked out of the instance?" ones that made us Scouts OH so popular.

Guilds will no longer appear in the guild recruiting list if they don't have any recruiters online.

RadarX: Additionally, recruits will no longer appear in the guild if they are offline.

Coyote: Which is good because the Recruiters just lie to get you to sign up anyway. "Sure, you can have long hair! We even give you guns and booze! Every day is a party!" two months later your AWOL and crying for your mother to come pick you up in a bus depot in Jersey.

RadarX:.... ....so ...how do you afford therapy again?

Coyote: State mandated sessions are free.

RadarX:....gotcha.

Mentoring other players now grants greater achievement reward for the mentor.

0-5 level difference: 0% bonus

6-10 level difference: 50% bonus

11-20 level difference: 100% bonus

21-30 level difference: 150% bonus

31-50 level difference: 200% bonus

51+ level difference: 300% bonus

This bonus is only applied to achievement experience gained through combat or loot items, not through quests or exploration.

RadarX: So 300% of 500xp per kill split by a group of 5... I...I can't do this.

Coyote: I was told that there would be no math.

RadarX: No...you were told there would be no poop jokes.

Coyote: Well...crap.

RadarX:...what did I JUST say?

Coyote: Something about poop jokes. Yer all low brow like that.

Mentors will now receive experience when their apprentice has disabled combat experience.

RadarX: Mentors will also be able to slap their apprentice for defeating the entire purpose of mentoring.

Coyote: Apprentices can also turn to the dark side and get really weird Meth Head eyes.

RadarX: Don't you mock Owen Wilson.

Coyote:....sense in you much man-crush do I. Skeeved out totally, I am.

You can no longer turn auto consume on while using a griffon or sokokar.

RadarX: Wow...this must have broke something HUGE because I can't wrap my head around this.

Coyote: It's like drug sniffing dogs getting hooked on cocaine. Sure it's funny to watch them run around all hyper and chase invisible monsters, but the first time you step on a bird in Antonica and end up in an angry Dragon's Lair....

RadarX: You get EXACTLY what you deserve Exploity McHaxxor.

Coyote: I exploited once. ONCE. And only because it was FUNNY. And THEN I reported it and they fixed it!

RadarX: After how many Fae were killed? How many suffered at the icy hands of your exploited snow balls?

Coyote:....not enough Radar. Not nearly enough.

Bayle's Amulet and the Trinket of the Venerated Fanatic can now be mounted and used as a house item.

RadarX: And by house item, they mean a lovely mixing bowl.

Coyote: Trinket is a pretty vague description, especially when you add "Venerated Fanatic" into the mix. I bet it's sticky.

RadarX: Ewww...which crafting class makes the box of handiwipes?

Coyote: "What is THAT?" "It's a trinket!" "It's MOVING." "Oh, that just means it LIKES you."

Spells which do not expire have been made uninterruptable. There are some exceptions which include spells which summon pets or have limited uses.

RadarX: Expectations also included over-nuking your burrito and leaving the game in a hurry because your hot pocket is burning.

Coyote: But only burnt on one end. The middle is still frozen solid and tastes funny in the way that only partially frozen refried beans can.

RadarX: You need a new microwave.

Coyote: You need Bean-o.

RadarX:...I need what?

Coyote: Nothing. Just keep blaming the dog there Captain Burrito fetish.

RadarX: I DON'T HAVE A DOG!

Coyote: Exactly.

Divide and Conquer should now properly apply hate to the entire encounter.

RadarX: Not just that one mob you crotch shotted.

Coyote: Although he's still going to be REALLY pissed. Nobody likes a kick to snarglies.

RadarX: The snarglies? Don't you make a kick to the twig and berries sound cute. That is serious business.

Coyote: Good point. All the "doink" sound effects and comic slide whistles in the world don't make a chop to the man eggs acceptable.

RadarX:...man eggs?

Coyote: Scrambled even.

Thorny trap should now work properly for evil rangers on pvp servers.

RadarX: Evil Rangers? Isn't that just a fancy word for Logger?

Coyote: They look just like GOOD Rangers, except that they have Goatees.

RadarX: Why did I read that as "goatse" instead of "goatee"?

Coyote: Well..we were talking about Rangers...

Defiler: Enhance: Fuliginous Sphere will now work correctly.

RadarX: Yet not explaining what Fuliginous means...

Coyote: It's kinda like "Fergalicious" but rounder.

RadarX: Did...did you just make a pop culture reference?

Coyote: Yup. For British Royalty, Fergie is HOT.

Templar: Blessings is now toggleable and has a recast of 2 seconds.

RadarX: Ok they totally made up "toggleable." That is so not a word.

Coyote: You want the definition of Fuliginous, but put your foot down at toggleable? Dude, you're just being discobrobinated.

RadarX: I am not being di...what?!

Coyote: Discobrobinated. It means "trantostic" you phlecostein.

Shadows should no longer disappear unexpectedly.

RadarX: Instead they will gradually disappear so slowly you might not even perceive it.

Coyote: Or do that creepy "out of sync reach for your throat" thing out of Dracula.

RadarX: Or realistically go on strike and refuse to work without better benefits such as breaks and healthcare.

Coyote: As much sense as your response DIDN'T make, the thought of "The Shadow Union" is pretty cool.

If you're running multiple clients on the same computer you may want to disable multicore mode.

RadarX: If you are running multiple clients on the same computer you may want to buy another PC.

Coyote: Doesn't "may want to" sound almost foreboding? Like crossing the streams. You just WANT the full explanation.

RadarX: Two clients, on a 4 core machine...this is closely approaching more math.

Coyote: If your processor hits 88 degrees you go back in time to 1955 and get Parkinson's.

RadarX:...oh...dude...no.

Coyote: Too soon?

Alchemy: Rare cure potions have been removed and standard cure potions have been upgraded to cure the appropriate levels of effects. This in turn should help reduce some of the demand for dusts.

RadarX: SOE has finally made cures available to the common player? They are like a medical company.

Coyote: Yeah, but the co-pay is a biiiitch.

RadarX: But you get a lollypop with each visit to the Broker.

Coyote: Which, ironically enough is Fergalicious.

RadarX: Will you get off of Fergie?

Coyote: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Carpentry: Carpenters studying the architecture of Unrest have designed a number of new recipes for furnishings in a similar style, to replace the redundant recipes that have been retired.

RadarX: Studying the architecture of Unrest? Unrest has become...a tourist attraction?

Coyote: Like Disney's Haunted Mansion, without the copyright infringement suits...and you know. More painful death and dying.

RadarX: Well yeah...You don't get spectral ass kicking at Disney until you try and buy something.

Coyote: And the loot from Unrest doesn't cost you a mortgage payment and kidney.

Kelethin: A few of the Fae in Kelethin react to a good aligned arasai now.

RadarX: The rest are still sadly racist.

Coyote: If they'd un-nerf the snowballs, I'd react to them too. POW!

RadarX: Aren't you still a convicted murderer in that town?

Coyote: No convictions.

RadarX: But-

Coyote: NO convictions.

If you find a Lore and Legend item for a Lore and Legend quest that you're on, the tooltip will indicate whether you've already examined it or need to examine it.

RadarX: It will also indicate if you can make a ton of crap selling the one piece I need on the Broker from some sickly inflated price.

Coyote: I only have one Lore and Legend Master Strike that I'll ever need. Coyote: Slayer of Brownies. ...unless they come up with a L&L for "guilds". I'd get that too.

RadarX: In that case you should look into Lore and Legend: Therapy Sessions.

Coyote: Oh ho! Humor! Zing!

Sir Valinayle in Stormhold now corrects himself after calling Stormhold Befallen.

RadarX: Holy Should Have Been in LU#3 Coyote-man! Nice grab to whoever caught that...

Coyote: Then after correcting himself he slaps himself, yells at himself and kicks his own ass. He has self esteem issues.

RadarX: Valinayle also matches the description of an elderly gentlemen who went missing from a retirement community. Please contact his family, they are worried.

Coyote: Oh..so Alzheimer's is funny, but Parkinson's isn't?

RadarX: Valinayle isn't a REAL PERSON! It's not offensive.

Coyote: Uh huh. Way to shake things up. Get it? SHAKE?

RadarX:... ... We are so getting letters.

Removed the option to go to Prize of Prexus and The Maid for the Mist on the mariner bells unless someone in the group is on that part of the quest.

RadarX: Thus removing the boat to nowhere...interesting.

Coyote: I've been to the Prexus on a boat with no name, it felt good to get out of the raiiiiid.

RadarX: The Prize of Prexus...say it don't spray it.

Coyote: Laa laa lalaluhla...

RadarX: Say goodbye to the 60's...and to our readers.

Coyote: Too bad no one who plays this game will remember that song.

RadarX: No, it's too bad that I do.

Coyote:...

RadarX: Just say "Goodbye, see you next time folks" so we can leave.

Coyote: Fine. Goodbye and GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS!

RadarX: Close enough. See you next time folks!

~end~