This has to be my worst column ever. I know I’ve said it before, but Peeyeeeew…. This is a stinker.
On with the show.
If you’re looking for grammar or facts, you’ve come to the wrong place. Move along, nothing to see here.
Dear LPBs and Twitch
For those of you too young to know what a LPB is, it refers to a person with “Low Ping who was born out of wedlock.”
You’re all pretty much LPBs today, but back in the good old days of Quake and Unreal Tournament the guys and gals with low pings had a huge advantage. They still have the advantage today I suppose, except having a low ping is the norm. They are simply no longer the exception to the rule.
I do not have a low ping and hence, I am agitated.
Vin Diesel Fact: Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
Back to low ping and his usual, but not always attached sibling, download speed.
If I am watching a stream on “Low” setting because my Internet is so incredibly bad, then please don’t show me the God forsaken Pringles or Volkswagen commercial at a setting of “Source”. It makes me want to cry and never buy either of those products. The advertisement can take minutes to load and then plays its best impression of Colin Firth in The King’s Speech.
Who knows? I may someday want to eat prefabricated sawdust and cardboard that comes in a cylinder comprised of the same materials. If that day ever comes, I’d like to buy some Pringles and you are ruining it for me.
Likewise, my wife, a saint for putting up with me, has rarely ever asked for anything in the 30 years that I have known her. One thing that she always wanted was a Volkswagen Beetle. No-brainer, we get her one; she loves it and she’s happy. Win all around. Now, Twitch, I don’t want to cringe every single time I see the VW logo on the front because an online streaming provider can’t sort out that I have my settings on “Low” or “Medium” and insist on trying to ram advertisements down my can-and-string Internet connection in “Source.” Is it really that hard? You track every other bloody thing that I do, but not my stream setting?
Side note: Are Volkswagen and Pringles the only companies that will advertise on Twitch? I get the same ads every single time and I can’t imagine that I am their target demographic.
Now on to something more entertaining.
MMO news that matters. Just for fun I’m going to give you the title that we used and then follow-up with the sensational title it would have had if the article displayed on Kotaku.
- 2013 MMO Revenues Released – Kotaku Headline Would Be -- Warcraft is Dead!
- Hearthstone Expansion Date Released – Kotaku Headline Would Be – Major HearthStone Changes Incoming!
- Destiny Beta Starts – Kotaku Headline Would Be – Need Destiny Beta Keys?
- WildStar Gets Update – Players Don’t Complain – Kotaku Headline Would Be – WildStar Players Upset
And because the real world is usually more humorous than the virtual one. Here are some real world stories to put a smile on your face.
- From the Bikes-Walk-On-Water-Dept. – Portland To Use Supply Bicycles in Emergency
- From the It-Wasn’t-Me-Dept. – Russia Caught Editing Wikipedia
- I, for one, welcome our Robotic Doctor and Nurse Overlords.
That’s it. That’s all for this week. Show me that you have a voice, by commenting in the little Disqus box below.
Thanks as always for taking the time to read right to the bottom of the column. It’s like the credits of a movie and you just never know when I’m going to stick something good down here. I appreciate it.
Oh, and follow me on @BoomjackTTH. Thanks! Have a great week!