My dreams have come true. Because I don't have much of a life, I've often sat around and thought about what it would be like if Goat Simulator were an MMOG. I think it would make one hell of a sports arena game, a la Team Fortress 2, but a classing MMORPG has also been pretty high up on my wishful thinking list. Thanks to my friend Chris who tagged me into a post over on Google Plus (yeah, some of us weirdos actually do use the service and we use it often) in an article post from The Verge. The Verge calls it a World of Warcaft clone and I'm not even mad. I love you, Coffee Stain Studios, and I'd bake you so many things if you were closer to me.
In what is likely to have the best patch notes ever written (and I wish more companies would follow suit and write notes like Coffee Stain, honestly), Patch 1.5 will be a free content patch this Thursday, November 20, and will be the patch of my dreams. I probably need some new hobbies or something. No longer will I have to begin my articles on Goat Simulator with some sort of awkward disclaimer about how I know this game isn't an MMOG, but it's relevant to my interests, so maybe you are interested in this news, too. Starting Thursday, I can just be all, “Hey guys, wanna talk about a fantasy MMO and goats? Same thing, hahahaha!” I can't wait to check this out, in what's likely to be all of its buggy glory, and report back. I'm not sure I will be able to hold back the desire to just hit the caps lock and write the article on my cruise control for cool. Y'all, I'm really excited about this.
Coffee Stain Studios brings next-gen MMO simulation to Goat Simulator as a completely free DLC. You no longer have to fantasize about being a simulated goat in a simulated MMO, your dreams have finally come true!
Like any good ol MMORPG, Goat Simulator the MMO has different classes you can choose from. Five, in fact. Choose from Warrior, Rouge, Magician, Hunter and Microwave at the character select screen. Wait, what? Microwave? Yeah, Microwave. It's a white microwave on what (possibly mannequin?) legs. It's single-handedly one of the goofiest damn things I've seen in a long time, and I think it's pure fesking genius. You can join in on the faction war between goats and sheep, but what I'm wondering is what side does the Microwave take?
The features list for what we're getting Thursday is pretty cool. You can go read about it on their Steam page or you can just scroll down a little bit. Remember how I squeeled like a love sick teenager about how awesome their notes are? Well, they kind of go like this:
- Five different classes: Warrior, Rouge, Magician, Hunter and Microwave
- Complete dozens of quests, level up a hundred times and play five different classes that’s a ton of content you do the math, we all went to high-school well I didn’t I was too busy huffing paint behind the cafeteria
- Level cap is 101, 1 level higher than you-know-what
- Prolly not tons of content tho, but don’t hate be cool
- Stay a while and listen to Dumblebore the Grey in Twistram
- Faction warfare between goats and sheep
- MMO simulation so good you’ll think it’s real
- There are even elves and dwarves like in that movie
I was going to talk about what's coming Thursday and pretty much rewrite the above in my own words, but why destroy such beauty? I'm sure whatever I could have written here wouldn't be anywhere as great as “don’t hate be cool” or “MMO simulation so good you’ll think it’s real” so who cares what I could have written? I sure don't. I'm just trying my best to not spazz too hard so I can get this article pieced together. I'm kind of sort of a little bit excited here, you guys. I've been pretty into playing World of Warcraft since last Thursday's Warlords of Draenor release, and I've also been working on playing Altar of Malice, the new EverQuest II expansion, but I think come Thursday, these two games are getting shelved. MUST GET TO LEVEL 101 AND JUST BE A GOAT OK.
An awesome friend of mine not only got this sweet promo sign from E3 for me, but also had Coffee Stain sign it. He understands me.
I looked around on the Google Play page to see if there was any note as to whether or not this DLC will be coming to the mobile platforms. It's possible that this could happen, but it will likely either take some time to be ported over to Android and iOS, or due to the nature of these app stores, we wouldn't get a “coming soon” notice like we see on Steam. Speaking of Steam, this DLC will be available for free to anyone who has already purchased the base game (c'mon, it's ten bucks) and you can choose from OSX, Windows and Linux. For system requirements, check out the DLC page, because that's pretty uninteresting stuff. Spoiler alert: Windows XP is a minimum (not recommended), so you can pretty much play this on a potato if necessary.
I love goats. I love MMOGs. This wonderful, buggy marriage (take that, Michigan bozo guy) will give me so much stupid joy. I'm sure the stupid in my joy will be more stupid than that Michigan guy, too, and I'll be having far more fun than he is. Goats definitely are more fun than denying rights. Maybe that guy can be added in as a boss to headbutt into defeat in some later content patch. That'd be pretty cool. There is at least some big firey guy with horns. Or, maybe he's just a pile of meatiness. I can't really tell from the screenshots on my tiny laptop. Good thing I use this for writing and not gaming. It's awesomely portable, but tiny screens.
So, what will you be doing on Thursday? I'm pretty sure that if you answer with anything besides “Playing Goat MMO Simulator, Vendolyn!” that it is the WRONG ANSWER. Don't be wrong. Be a goat.