AARP takes on Everquest II

by Patrick "Troon" Connoy

The title of this article may be a bit confusing to the typical Everquest II player.  MMOG demographics say that the vast majority of players are likely male and between the ages of 15 and 35, so let me try to explain.  No, we are not talking about AARP, as in Auto Assault Role Playing, takes on Everquest!  We’re talking AARP ……. as in old people, fossils, old farts (can I say that word?).  Yes, I mean senior citizens, retired folk, nursing homes, Sun City, assisted living, you get the picture!  For those of you youngsters who are not familiar with AARP, it stands for the American Association of Retired People.

Just a heads up, the AARP begins sending you junk mail and spamming you three to four times per day about 3 days before you turn 50.  I believe they possess a database on all humans in the U.S. that is more detailed and sophisticated than the CIA, FBI or KGB combined.  They start off with a beautiful 50th  Birthday greeting card and then things go rapidly downhill from there.  No more Hallmark greetings.  We’re talking offers for life insurance, healthcare benefits, dental coverage, dentures, old people’s auto insurance, hemorrhoid creams, travel planning, arthritis cures, cruise discounts, retirement planning, inexpensive coffins and bulk Viagra purchases. Right now, I think they are actually working on www.AARP/match.com …… this is where two old people will go searching to find that “special” other person, with lots of money, who will take care of them for the rest of their life …. We’re talking true “soulmates” here. (Right, Anna Nicole?)

Now you may be asking yourself, “What does this AARP thing have to do with MMOG’s, particularly Everquest II?  Old people don’t play Everquest!  You think to yourself, my Father is too busy working his ass off (I know; I probably can’t say that either) trying to retire and my Grandpa is just way too old to remember.  Granny doesn’t know what a computer is and my mom can’t open her e-mails!  That’s where you are wrong …… dead wrong!  Oops, sorry, sometimes saying “dead” in my generation means absolutely zero chance to “rez”. 

I personally began my first MMOG experience at the tender young age of 55.  That’s right 55; a full five years after AARP became my number one source of love letters and “urgent” e-mails.  Sure, I’ve played Super Mario Brothers and Kong, but those were really my daughters’ games when they were growing up.  I’ll never forget those loving words, “Daddy, it’s my #$%X#&! turn to play!”  Yes, when I was young, I actually played board games like Monopoly, Clue, The Game of Life and a little bit of poker with my friends (Who would have thought, way back then, that "Texas Hold ‘Em" would be on TV, for big bucks …. and lots of people would actually be watching it, even the reruns!)

I can still remember the transition from “black and white” to “Halo-Light” to color TV.  My dad used to sell Sylvania TV’s for a living, so our house was the place to be for all the neighborhood kids after school.  My brother and I had so many close friends back then. Of course, then new technology came along with Atari introducing Pong and then Pac-Man.  Tetris became the rage and Solitaire was banned from all the company computers.  Computers …….. ahhhhh, all AARPers hate computers!  We don’t understand them, we were never taught how to use them, they are black boxes, they never work right, we can’t type and they are EVIL  …. we just want our slide rules back!

I must apologize; as soon as you become eligible for AARP, you tend to digress.  I still can remember walking 10 miles to school, at 10 degrees below zero, 12 inches of snow, into the wind, uphill …… both ways!  Sorry, sorry, this article is supposed to be about my more recent experience with Everquest!!!!

About a year or so ago, I was told by two very experienced hardcore gamers; “If you want to experience a MMOG, you will like Everquest II the best!  It has the best graphics and is more realistic than any of the other MMOG’s. Its challenging and it will make you think.”  So, I thought to myself, now that makes some sense.  Of course, my generation was been raised to fear all those “bad, evil things” in games like Dungeons and Dragons and Grand Theft Auto, and how these games are corrupting the youth of the world.  They should be banned, taken off the shelves and the world will be a better place!!  So perhaps a more “sophisticated” game like Everquest II would be “more interesting” and “more civil” for a man like me.

Somewhat apprehensively, I ventured out, all by myself, and bought the game, Everquest II, at my local Best Buy store.  I’m sure the young man (punk kid) at the counter thought it was for my grandson or maybe a young nephew of mine that would truly appreciate it.  Of course, I bought the wrong version of the game for my computer (who knew there was more than one version?) and had to go back to Best Buy a second time to the same long-haired kid to get the right edition, right format, etc., etc.  So, about 4 hours later and with more than a couple of beers under my belt, I began installing the game on my Sony Vaio laptop computer, only to find out, about another 4 hours later, that; “YOUR COMPUTER IS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO RUN THIS PROGRAM AND YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MEMORY TO LOAD EQ II – PLEASE ABORT IMMEDIATELY OR YOUR COMPUTER WILL EXPLODE INTO A MILLION TINY PIECES, YOU WILL BE KILLED INSTANTLY, AND YOUR TOMBSTONE WILL READ …. “DIED TRYING TO DOWNLOAD EVERQUEST II”.  No one told me that the most challenging quests in this game would start so early!!  After re-consulting with my computer gaming experts (i.e.: nerds and geeks), I was given the proper specifications for my new “gaming” computer.  What they didn’t tell me was that I would have to go to my local bank and take out a second mortgage on my home, just to purchase it!

Long story short, I bought the high-end gaming computer with the most expensive graphics and sound cards available.  I bought new surround sound speakers, I installed the software, registered my account, created my character and jumped into the game.  OMG!   I had selected the character name, “TenTonHammer”, only to be told by every single officer and member in the “TenTonHammer” guild that was online that first memorable day that I had committed blasphemy, pure and utter blasphemy.  How dare I choose the name “TenTonHammer”?  I received six “URGENT” e-mails the next day and two death threats!  I was chastised, berated and embarrassed to the point of OMG, WHID.  (Oh My God, What Have I Done?)  Looking back, I guess you could say, that was my first “learning experience” in proper guild etiquette.  I thought to myself, “What am I getting myself into here?” …. so I decided to go for a more subtle, low key, low profile approach to playing this new somewhat intimidating game.

So, I snuck into the game late one evening, my first MMOG ever, under a generic name, unrecognizable by anyone who might know me; I am “Troon, slayer of all evil, savior of the world, Fighter, soon to become Berserker extraordinaire” …… but now temporarily cruising (not like a Princess Cruise, AARPers) on some boat with rats in a tutorial of how to play the game.  I remember the first player message I saw in the chat window that night.  It said, and I quote; “CUNTS4ROVBRBIMAFKBIO”.  Not knowing anything about the MMOG lingo, of course, I was appalled by this obviously immature and disgusting comment.  Only to finally figure out about three months later that this person was actually telling his group; “See you in Thundering Steppes at the Ruins of Varsoon, I will be right back, however, I am currently away from my keyboard for a bathroom break.”  I thought to myself, where does one go to learn this stuff … and more importantly, WHY?  We didn’t have this challenge in Super Mario Brothers!  Should I call one of my daughters for translation help?  No, I would have to tell them what I was doing, and I didn’t pay big bucks for those college educations for nothing.  Remember, I must keep a low profile …. just keep a low profile.

It is now one year later, and I am a Level 33 Berserker!  I am a respected member of the TenTonHammer guild.  I have the best armor money can buy.  I ride a Halaysian Draft horse (a 2 Plat loan from another guild member)!  I have killed Amaya the Rat Queen.  The Windstalker Rumbler fears me!  Grim Feather is afraid to spawn if I am nearby! I have been to Zek.  I threw snowballs during Frost Fell.  I am asked to be the MT.  I am sooooo happy in Norrath!!

Just last week, I found myself sitting in a cocktail lounge at a casino in Las Vegas, immersed in an intense conversation with a very bright lawyer friend of mine.  He’s a little bit younger than I am, but not by much.  Were we talking about big business deals, taxes, the economy, his latest legal case?  No, we were talking about how to cast spells, complete quests, kill bad guys, upgrade armor and LEVEL UP!  He happens to be a Level 55, Swashbuckler, and even has a couple of alts, and here’s the funniest part ….. his father is a Level 30 Ranger!  Mid conversation, we both paused to say; “who would have ever thought two reasonably intelligent, grown men would be sitting at a bar in “sin city” talking about our various experiences in Everquest II?”  We looked around quickly to see if anyone had overheard our conversation or was looking at us strangely.  We had become gamers … and he had converted his father, too!

I think the bottom line is this.  MMO games are lots of fun, they’re entertaining and addictive, no matter what your age level is!  In fact, SOE and the other publishers are probably missing out on a very large hidden market opportunity by not directly targeting us senior, or, in my case, “almost” senior citizens.  We are a “massively” large group, with improvements in healthcare, growing larger in size every day.  The AARP boasts 35 million paying members, more than the population of Australia or Canada.  After retirement, we have more time on our hands than we know what to do with.  We are always looking for ways to keep our minds sharp and trying to figure out these new fangled computers.  And, best of all, all of our friends are dying off, so we need the social interaction that MMOG’s provide!!

I must conclude by saying, if I worked in marketing for Sony Online Entertainment, I might just think very carefully about placing a big, bold advertisement for Everquest II in next month’s AARP newsletter …… right between the intrusive cruise ship ad and the popup ad for Viagra!  After all, it might be the safest, most fun, alternative of the three!

AFK