YAARR! So ye WANT to BE a PIRATE?

By Coyotee Sharptongue

A grizzled sea Captain stands on a pier in front of a large ship as he motions for you to come closer with a wave of his arm.

“AVASTE YE LUBBERS!” He barks out in greeting as a spray of water crashes around the ship.

“Since I no longer be transportin’ all you scurvy piles of chum to tha island no more, I ain’t been rakin’ in tha booty like I were. SO, ol’ Cap’n Varlos be turnin’ to tha high seas fer profit an’ I be lookin’ fer a crew ta help with me new business.” Captain Varlos grins into the camera as he gestures to the ship behind him.

“Ifin’ ya be lookin’ fer ADVENTURE an’ fer EXCITEMENT, an’ yer lookin’ ta ROB, PILLAGE, KIDNAP, an’ LOOT fer fun an’ profit then be lookin’ no more as The Busty Wench be tha place fer you!” He laughs bawdily as he points nods again towards the ship.

“Aboard The Busty Wench ye be – “ The Captain is cut off in mid sentence by a small gnome dressed in a business suit and glasses tugging at his pant leg.

“Yaaar. Who be YE?” Varlos asks with a sneer.

“Mortimer J. Cogglefinch , Norrathian Bureau of Censors.” The gnome answers producing a card with a quick snap of his wrist and handing it towards the confused Captain.

“Censors..what? Blast it ya pint-sized bucket o’chum. Can’t ya see I be doin’ a commercial ta get me a crew?” Varlos growls as he gestures towards the camera.

“That is exactly the reason I am here Sir.” Mortimer sniffs indignantly. “Your little “commercial” is LITTERED with vulgar and offensive words and phrases and must be reconstructed in it’s entirety as not to offend the viewer base. As it stands we’ve already received one hundred and thirty nine separate complaints on the content of this commercial.” He informs as Varlos looks at him in shock and then slowly to the camera.

“But we ain’t even be finished with it yet.” The Captain points out in a small voice causing the gnome to bristle in outrage.

“And we’ve already received dozens upon dozens of complaints! Why imagine if we DID let you finish your little advertisement without supervision. I can barely begin to imagine the chaos that would follow.” Mortimer chastises as he looks at his clipboard.

“Point in check, you cannot say “Rob, pillage, kidnap or loot.”. The gnome continues as he flips through a few papers.

“Gaar! Why not? That be what a PIRATE be DOIN’!” Varlos swears as the Censor simply shrugs uncaring.

“Regardless of what the job entails, you cannot use these words in your commercial as they induce images of violence, and condone illegal activities. If you insist on using this verbiage the words “Rob, Pillage, kidnap, and Loot” shall be replaced with “Remove items of value without their owner’s consent; Forcefully remove items of value without their owner’s consent; Unlawfully detain a person or persons without their express written consent; and, Remove items of value from locations without the knowledge or consent of the owners in question. Respectively.” Mortimer explains as Captain Varlos looks on, his jaw gaping.

“WHAT? I can’t be usin’ them PRETTY words! What kinda blood thirsty crew would show up if I started mumblin’ off them sissy schoolgirl words of yers?” The Captain exclaims as he throws his hands in the air.

“I’d have me a crew of Nancy lads aboard The Busty Wench, an’ I ain’t havin’ it!” He finishes, putting his foot down for emphasis.

“Ahhh. Yes. Another problem.” The gnome nods as he flips another page on his clipboard. “According to the Marine Naming Convention Policy, section eight, paragraph twelve under the heading “Vulgar Christenings” you cannot legally call your vessel “The Busty Wench”.” The Censor explains as he snaps his fingers and motions as a crew of painters equipped with a ladder begin setting up for the remove of the ship’s name.

“WHAT?!? YE CAN’T BE RENAMIN’ ME SHIP! THAT BE POWERFUL BAD LUCK!” Varlos screams as they begin covering up the words “The Busty Wench.”

“Actually sir, we are merely rewording the naming convention of your ship.” Mortimer explains as he looks down at the clipboard. “The Busty Wench shall be herein known as…ah..yes.. here we are..” He trails looking up.

“The Voluptuously Endowed Woman of Questionable Occupation Who Shall Not Be Judged Solely On Her Physical Attributes Or Occupational Choices.” The Censor explains as he looks up from his notes somewhat satisfied.

Captain Varlos simply stares at the small man in disbelief before looking around somewhat dazed.

“Yaar. This be a joke? Ya be puttin’ ol’ Cap’n Varlos on one of them there reality shows?” Varlos finally asks in defeat as the Censor, remembering something looks down at his notepad.

“Oh yes! That reminds me. “Lubbers” is a bigoted term found offensive by those not in the aquatic professions or with naval experience. Instead you need to say “Navaly Challenged”.” Mortimer corrects as the Captain shakes his head.

“I can’t be callin’ Lubbers LUBBERS? HEY! WHAT ARE YE DOIN’ TO ME SHIP?” The Captain exclaims as he notices the new name of The Busty Wench being painted over the old, now taking up the entire side of his vessel.

“And you mention here fun *and* profit. In doing so you promise payment, which of course in turn is subject to all local taxes, holiday and vacation packages and a eight hour work day.” The gnome finishes as Varlos looks on defiantly.

“An’ ifin’ I be tellin’ ya to go kiss a squid, I be doin’ what I want?” The Captain sneers as the gnome smiles back unflinching.

“Then we’ll have to take your Vessel, arrest you for non-compliance of the verbal morality statute and fine you heavily for the sited violations.” Mortimer says pleasantly in an almost conversational tone.

Varlos looks at the small gnome then back to his newly named and non-offense, politically correct ship before sighing.

“I quit. Its getting ta the point where a pirate can’t even be no pirate no more.” He sighs as he walks down the pier past the gnome. “Mebbe I be headin’ back to tha island an’ askin’ if I can run the ferry.” He says sadly as he moves off.

“Its not a FERRY! It’s a VESSEL OF INDIVIDUALLY PREFERRED ORIENTATION!” The gnome shouts to him before hurrying to catch up.