EQ2 Interviews: New Player Class - The Fae

EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

A large Ogre holding a microphone stands smiling in front of a heavily wooded backdrop. He waves excitedly to the camera as he adjusts the poorly knotted tie that has been haphazardly draped around his mammoth neck.

"HELLO!!" He bellows into the microphone all but bouncing with energy as his voice causes ear splintering feedback. "This KRUNNK for Tons o'hammers news." The Ogre introduces himself as he again waves happily with his free hand.

"Krunnk fillin' in fer Coyotee 'cause him got the butt scoots." Krunnk explains, his brow furrowing with the seriousness of the situation. "Bosses need somebody to interview NEW FAIRY PEOPLE! So Krunnk say, HEY! Me LOVE Fairy people! Then me go please please please please PLEASE until they say " 'kay" an' here me is." He dances happily from side to side as he hefts the microphone.

"So with new 'spansion comin' out, there gunna be new race of Fairy peoples called…umm.." Krunnk looks down as he reads something cupped in his large hand before looking back up at the camera nervously. " Um. They called "Happy Pretty Pixie Fairy Glitter People." The Ogre says matter-o-fact, smiling with pride at his recovery.

"Fae. We are called The Fae." A small voice from off camera corrects, its high pitched tones heavy with annoyance.

Krunnk looks off camera, and then back to his hidden notes before pointing towards the voice, his eyes still on the crib sheet in his hand.

"Um. That Fairy me gunna interview. Him name is…" Krunnk frowns again, flipping through his notes quickly as a male Fae floats into the camera's view, joining the Ogre's side. With a smile and a slight wave, the fairy waits patiently for an introduction, nervously running a hand through soft brown hair.

"This Glitterbelle Happycakes." Krunnk decides with a smile as he introduces the Fae.

Frowning, the fairy slowly turns towards the Ogre and folds his arms across his tiny chest. His tongue causes his cheek to bulge slightly as he clears his throat in obvious annoyance.

"What did I tell you?" He asks the Ogre rhetorically. "My name is Bert Plaintree, not GLITTERBELLE HAPPYCAKES. I thought we had an understanding?" The fairy chastises as Krunnk looks on sheepishly.

"But Bert not good pixie fairy name." Krunnk points out helpfully in a small voice that only causes the Fae's annoyance to rise.

"Bert is a perfectly common Fae name. I have several relatives and ancestors named Bert, and furthermore I take offense at your stereotyping of my people. We don't all have names like "Glitterbelle" and we are NOT Pixies. Do you understand?" Bert lectures as Krunnk looks on unblinking, his eyes focused on the Fae man's wings.

"Krunnk want pixie dust." The Ogre states flatly as he reaches towards the Fae's wings causing the small fairy to jerk back out of reach.

"I don't HAVE Pixie dust, because I am a FAIRY." Bert growls dangerously as Krunnk looks on in confusion.

"Then how you fly?" Krunnk asks suspiciously as he catches Bert in his intricate web of logic.

"WINGS YOU GIANT DOOFUS! WINGS! LOOK!" The fairy screeches as he turns his back and flutters his wings to the Ogre who's face suddenly explodes with comprehension.

"Because you a FAIRY, you got FAIRY WINGS!" The Ogre deduces happily , drawing defeated sighs from Bert as he rights himself.

"Finally, he gets it. Look – Ogre boy. Can we just do this and get the interview over with? I've got like three more of these today, okay?" The Fae man pleads in a tired voice as Krunnk nods happily in agreement as he looks quickly back to his notes, flipping through them once more.

"Next question. Ready Bert? " Krunnk starts, stressing the Fae's name and causing the man to smile slightly and relax just a bit.

"Of course." Bert smiles happily as he runs his hand through his hair once more.

"What with all the teeth? Why Fairies take teeth and leave money? What you DO with all them teeth? That WEIRD. WHY YOU WANT TEETH? WHY YOU SO WEIRD?!?" Krunnk shakes a fist accusingly before covering his mouth to protect his assets from the small man.

Bert explodes in a string of angry curses before flying directly into the Ogre's face, coming nose to tiny nose with Krunnk as he shakes a fist in return.

"Maybe I'll take a couple of your teeth after I KNOCK THEM OUT." The Fairy roars causing Krunnk to step back in surprise.

"LOOK. I've HAD IT with these stereotypes. We don't fly around sprinkling DUST on people and causing kids to fly. WE DO NOT collect TEETH and we don't have names like Glitterbelle and Tinkerdust and WE ARE NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS BIGOTRY!" He screams as Krunnk flinches slightly.

Emboldened by the Ogre's retreat the Fae presses his point harder.

"I mean, look at you OGRE. How would you like it if I covered myself in dirt like THIS?" Bert asks, flying to the ground and then back into frame as he spreads soil on his bare arms and face.

"But…" Krunnk starts only to be cut off.

"Or walked around like a monkey going "Duh..I'm an Ogre…DUH…I'm an OGRE?" The Fairy mocks as he takes an ape like stance and stomps around mid-air.

"But.." Krunnk points but is cut off once more as Bert angrily flies back up into his face.

"Duuuuh. But WHAT?" The Fae demands in rage.

"That not dirt. That poop." Krunnk points out helpfully as the Fae is instantly deflated, his eyes widening slowly.

"..what?" He asks in a small voice as he looks down to the source of his muddy appearance.

"Fairies GROSS." Krunnk accuses as he takes another step back and plugs his nose dramatically with a large hand. "Why you play in that? That not SANITARY!" He continues, making yuck faces and pointing a taunting finger at Bert.

"I have to kill you now." Bert says without emotion as he pulls out a tiny silver dagger, no bigger than a thorn.

"POOP FAIRY GOTTA KNIFE!" Krunnk howls in fear as he raises a mammoth tree trunk-like leg and brings his foot down on still stunned Fae, stomping him into the ground repeatedly.

Looking down at his feet, then slowly to the camera, Krunnk smiles shyly before raising the microphone to his mouth.

"Fairies. They..um…take you teeth and play in poop. They weird and gross. Me leaving." The Ogre states nonchalantly as he tosses the microphone over his shoulder and simply walks away.

The microphone lands with a loud thump as it clatters to the ground. As the camera slowly fades to black a very small voice can barely be heard as it croaks out a single throaty word.

"…..vengeance…"