"Win a Date with Coyotee Sharptongue"

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue reporting to you live from the posh and extravagant restaurant "Grimy's Grubbery," where we are happy to announce the winner of our "Date with the Stars" contest." A large Kerran dressed in a very formal tuxedo jacket and tie smiles suavely into the camera from behind a table full of wine glasses and steaming food.

"Our winner was chosen based on her essay "Why I want to have dinner with Coyotee Sharptongue," her journalistic ability, and in no way her physical attributes in all of their voluptuous glory." He informs as he sips happily from a wine glass.

"Without further ado, I introduce to you Norrath, the winner - and my date this evening. Missus Chesty Bimboette." Coyotee grins as he gestures towards his left, the camera panning with the motion.

Instead of the ample bosomed maiden who was expected, Coyotee's eyes widen as a hulking figure stomps towards him. Although the man's identity is hidden from the depths of a hooded cloak, the menacing clang of armor can be heard with every thundering step.

Sitting quickly, the figure throws back his hood with a growl and glares across the table at the Kerran reporter.

"LUCAN D'LERE?!" Coyotee exclaims, all but choking on his wine as the Overlord reaches out, grabbing the reporter by the neck.

"Silence FOOL!" He orders with a hiss as he releases the cat-man and pulls his hood back over his head, once again hiding his identity.

"W-what...what can I do for you Overlord?" Coyotee coughs as he looks around nervously.

"You will help me maggot." Lucan orders as he follows the reporter's nervous glancing. "You've not responded to my request for a meeting, so I have sought you out." He explains with a guttural snarl.

"You are the ruler of FREEPORT!" Coyotee whispers quickly. "I can't been seen with you! They'll hang me as a traitor!" He explains, his gaze again flickering nervously around the small diner.

Coyotee frowns as he looks around in realization. "Wait a minute...what did you do with Ms. Bimboette?" He asks in disappointed tones.

"That's not important!" The Overlord hisses. "I know you are hesitant to ...meet with me Coyotee, but I believe that THESE documents will change your mind." Lucan growls as he slides a large envelope covertly across the restaurant’s table.

"What are they?" Coyotee asks suspiciously as he pulls the container to his lap and opens the seal.

"Proof of the treachery of Qeynos. PROOF that Antonia Bayle is the true evil that Norrath should fear." The Overlord whispers harshly as Coyotee leans back and examines one of the pages.
With a frown he looks from the document to Lucan, then back at the document.

"These are pictures of you nude on a bear skin rug." Coyotee says flatly as he turns the glossy image around for Lucan to see.

"How did THOSE get in there?!?" Lucan roars as he slams a fist on the table. "DO NOT MOCK ME WORM!" He roars, drawing attention to the meeting. Looking around self consciously he quiets as he leans across the table. "You can keep them if you like."

"I DON'T WANT THEM!" Coyotee quickly exclaims, throwing the folder back to the table.

Puzzled, Lucan shrugs and retrieves the envelope, pausing only slightly. "You sure? There's one with a sword that I think came out rather nice." He says conversationally as Coyotee's eyes widen.

"YES I'm sure! Take them!" The Kerra admonishes desperately as the Overlord sighs and hides the pictures within the depths of his cloak.

"Wallet size?" He asks looking up slightly as he reaches for a small pouch at his side.

"GODS NO!" Coyotee screeches before putting a hand to his temple. "Overlord D'Lere. With all due respect, why are you here?" The reporter asks in a tired voice.

"Join us." Lucan growls, his mailed hand curling into a fist.
"What?" Coyotee asks, looking up in surprise.

"Betray this wretched city of simpering fools. Renounce your alliance with Qeynos and JOIN us. Freeport could use a Kerran of your talents." The Overlord offers, leaning in as he looks around suspiciously.

"What?! Betray QEYNOS?" Coyotee yells, before realizing that he is drawing a few curious stares as he talks to his cloaked companion. "Betray Qeynos?" He whispers harshly leaning into the conversation. "Are you mad? This is my home!" He says with exasperation.

"These pathetic simpletons can't offer you the life that Freeport has for a man of your...convictions." Lucan says with a confident laugh. "I see the desire for power behind your eyes Coyotee Sharptongue. I can stare into your soul, and I know the truth. Join us.." He laughs evilly as the Kerran shakes his head.

"But...I.." Coyotee stammers only to be cut off.

"Join us and you can live like my Queen." Lucan tempts as Coyotee reaches for a glass of water, his mouth suddenly very dry.

"What?! Your QUEEN??!" The reporter sputters, spitting water across the table.

"A KING! I SAID YOU CAN LIVE LIKE A KING!" Lucan barks as he stands up fiercely, slamming both fists on the table.

The Kerran cowers as the Overlord stands before him, pointing with a single menacing finger, the man's features contorted with rage and inner turmoil.

"KNOW THIS Coyotee Sharptongue!" Lucan growls as several restaurant patrons gasp in realization of the man in their midst. "I will return in one week, and if you do not join me..." He snarls, slamming a fist into his open palm. "Then you join your ancestors."

Spinning with a flourish, Overlord D'Lere turns and stomps unabashed from the restaurant, slamming tables and patrons alike out of his way as he stalks towards the door leaving Coyotee to his decision.

Now the center of attention, the Kerran reporter smiles nervously as he looks down at the table, his mind racing. With a snap of foul black smoke a crimson envelope appears on the table before him, startling him slightly. Cautiously he reaches out to the small piece of folded paper and opens it, his eyes widening once more.

"FOR THE LOVE OF SHAR VAHL!" He swears as he stands, slamming the contents to the table as he stalks out of the restaurant fast on the heels of Lucan. His speed and movement cause a whirlwind of chaos behind him as he slams the table aside. A single small square of parchment floats towards the camera as the scene mercifully fades to black...

....barely focused on a wallet sized portrait of pale skin on a bear rug.