Everquest Interviews: Huang the Title Vendor

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

"What is in a name, and does a rose called by any other name - still smell as sweet?" A large Kerran holds a microphone as he looks intently into the camera.

"For some a title is a badge of honor. A moniker earned through battle and deed, a named to be held in awe and reverence, the purest token of respect." The cat man continues as he shakes his head, his expression darkening.

"But what happens when that title becomes a curse? A name that was intended to reflect deed - instead brings shame. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you the true story." The reporter introduces as he moves towards an angry looking warrior.

"Standing with me today is Brother Huang, title vendor from the Village of Shin, Tower of the Four Winds." Coyotee introduces as a rather cheery human Monk bows a greeting and offers the camera a friendly wave.

"Honorable Greetings Coyotee-san." Huang smiles as he bows once more in salutations to the reporter.

"Brother Huang, your position as "Title Vendor" has been the subject of much controversy here in the Fallen Dynasty. Could you shed a bit of light on the situation?" The Kerran asks as the Monk takes a stance of obviously feigned surprise.

"Controversy? What ever do you mean? I am but a humble servant of the people. In accordance to the ancient ways I offer a quest in which a worthy adventurer risks life and limb in order to prove himself. Once he has done so, I reward him with a token of honor, and once those tokens have grown - I pass down upon that worthy warrior a title of great respect." Brother Huang explains in gentle tones that imply that he's offended by the accusations.

"Like The Fragrant?" Coyotee asks as he holds up one of the actual title parchments.

"Are roses not Fragrant? Flowers? Do we not wish to smell of these things? Does this not explain perfume and special soaps?" The monk asks innocently.

"Fragrant doesn't mean something smells good - it just means that it has a strong and noticeable smell. Saying someone is fragrant in some circles is a polite way to say that they stink." The reporter points out as Brother Huang puts a hand to his chest in shock.

"Who would put such dishonor on such a worthy title? Why, I'd be FLATTERED were my title "The Fragrant." The Monk says as the reporter flips through the list of names.

"You are being accused of giving unfair, and unflattering nicknames to anyone who questions you or your quests. These "Quest tokens" that you give out are nothing more than common PEBBLES. I mean who gives PEBBLES for a quest?" Coyotee asks incredulously as he flips through his notes. "Oh! And here, a warrior from Nettleville says that you gave him a pebble and the title "Squishy Tushie" after sending him to kill dozens upon dozens of Terra-cotta warriors - Living statues of hard clay that carry real weapons." The reporter blinks in amazement.

"Oh HIM." Huang says flatly. "He went and complained and I had to come up with some non-ancient spur of the moment title for him." He says bitterly. "I hope he enjoys his title "The Decimator" because it doesn't MEAN anything. It doesn't have any HISTORY or carry honor." Huang ends with a huff.

"Some would argue that "Squishy Tushie" is *not* a proper title to be given to a fighter who has killed a score of Terra-cotta warriors." The Reporter points out as Brother Huang waves a dismissing hand.

"Coyotee, you are missing the point. These are ancient titles of honor passed down from generation to generation and held sacred by families for countless ages. The translations may seem a bit odd by more modern standards, but I assure you - the honor, the respect, and the sheer presence that these ancient names invoke are the deepest honor one could hope to obtain." Brother Huang explains breathlessly as Coyotee looks on unwavering.

"This ones says Chunky Funky Monkey." The reporter says as he holds up a piece of parchment.

"Ahh yes. A Monkey is a simian symbol of prosperity and wealth. Heavy set or "chunky" he'd be a strong example of this, and funky proves that while being financially strong of spirit, he still can loosen up enough to enjoy himself." The vendor explains with a dreamy look and far off smile.

"Smells like the butt of a dead goat." Coyotee says dryly holding up yet another piece of title parchment for Huang to see.

"Ah..um..yes. Well, you see - that particular title is for a ..ah..very SPECIAL quest that ah.." Brother Huang stammers as he smiles sheepishly, fighting back a giggle.

"Why can't you just give conventional titles? Something people are going to WANT to be called." The reporter asks as he leafs through the list of titles. "I mean, who wants to be called "Pointy Nipples?" Coyotee questions, holding up yet another sheet.

"Pointy nipples represents fertility! Virility! Why, it is a GREAT honor to have the title Pointy Nipples! My FATHER had Pointy Nipples, HIS father had Pointy Nipples, and I look forward to the DAY where I've gathered enough honor and prestige to be known as Pointy Nipples!" The monk says in indignant rage as he snatches the list of titles away from the stunned reporter.

Coyotee frowns for a moment as he glances to his now empty hands and then slowly back to Brother Huang.

"You just make these up don't you?" The reporter asks directly as the Monk angrily starts scribbling on the parchment. Obviously ignored, the Kerran turns back to the camera and hoists the microphone.

"What is truly in a title? Does a man's deeds not speak enough for him? Does the weight of his actions now carry the strength and conviction of his character? Are we so truly dependant on the approval of others that we must seek out title and station that sing out our deeds?" The reporter asks rhetorically as Brother Huang moves beside him, and tacks something in the air above his head.

Reading the parchment the Kerran sighs and shakes his head slowly before turning back to the camera.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue,The Spreading Taint, bringing you the TRUE story. Back to you Tom and Diane." He finishes as he reads off his newly earned title.

As the camera slowly fades to black a high pitched squeal can be heard as a Kerran roars in rage.

"I've got a place for your titles! Lets seem how many we can PUT THERE!" Echoes loudly as the scene mercifully fades to static.