EQ2 Guards - Live on location


EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue




Red cons Red cons, whatcha gunna do? Whatcha gunna do when they con red to
you? Red cons Red cons, whatcha gunna do? Whatcha gunna do when they con red to
you?!


Guards was filmed live on location with the men and women of Qeynos Law
Enforcement. All suspects are considered ally until proven ready to attack.


*********************************** 9:02AM The Griffon Towers, Antonica
***********************************


Two heavily armed guards walk the small span of hills just outside of the
Qeynos city gates. Faces set in grim determination, the men known only as "Guard
Black" and "Guard Moor" nod in acknowledgement to the camera as one of them
points towards the quickly approaching Griffon Tower.


"Normally we don't venture outside of the city much. Its not our
jurisdiction, and what happens out here isn't really our concern." Guard Black
explains as the tower comes fully in view.


A long line of impatient travelers has formed behind an extremely angry High
Elf who is arguing with the Griffon trainer.


"We usually just walk our beat through the Peat Bog, but with city cutbacks
and lay offs, we've had to pick up some of the areas that have little staffing.
Such as public transportation." Guard Moor adds as the two guards exchange
glances before moving towards the irate Elf.


Flanking him on both sides the Qeynos Guards interrupt the Elf's ranting.


"What seems to be the problem here?" Guard Black asks as he and Guard Moor
each brandish a small wooden billy club.


"Problem?! I'll TELL you the problem." The Elf growls, turning from the
Griffon Trainer to the guards. "This IMBECILE won't let me use the Griffon!" He
accuses, pointing an angry finger towards the trainer.


"IS this true?" Guard Moor asks as the trainer quickly shakes his head
no.


"N-no Officer. I merely told him that due to new flight regulations, no
liquids would be allowed on the Griffons." The Griffon Trainer quickly explains
only to be cut off by the High Elf.


"It's a STUPID rule, and I won't comply with it! I just BOUGHT this
Fizzlecutter 6000, and I'm not throwing it away." The Elf says obstinately as
the guards sigh.


"Sir. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the law, it is still a law
and we have to enforce it. You're holding up this line, and all of these
people." Guard Moor growls as he smacks the nightstick into his palm
angrily.


Looking at the small club, the High Elf trembles visibly and forces a
smile.


"Well..then..um. I'll happily comply." The Elf says helpfully. "We..we don't
have to press charges or anything..d-do we officers? Maybe let me off with a
warning?" He asks, his voice trembling slightly.


"No..no. This is a first time offense, and since it is..I think we can let
you off with a warning." Guard Black smiles as the Elf relaxes considerably.


"Thank you Officers, I ju-" The High Elf is cut off mid-sentence as he
catches Guard Moor's billy club to the stomach, doubling him over.


"We WARN you NOT TO DO IT AGAIN!" Guard Moor growls as he pummels the
man.


"And we WARN you that we will be BACK if you pull this crap again!" Guard
Black adds, joining in on the beating as the High Elf falls to the ground under
a flurry of blows.


Stepping back from the sobbing Elf the two Guards nod approvingly to each
other before turning and walking away. As the tower falls to the distance, Guard
Moor looks at the camera.


"In this business, its all about understanding the public." He says proudly
as his partner nods agreement.


"Exactly. That Elf wasn't a bad guy, so we let him off with a warning, and I
think he's thankful for it." Guard Black grins as the two men walk off.


********************** 2:45pm Qeynos Harbor **********************


Guards Black and Moor are walking the salt swollen planks of Qeynos Harbor as
they peer through the small crowd of bustling adventurers that has gathered
there.


"Disturbance call." Guard Moor says with a sigh and a slight shake of his
head.


"Man, I hate this. Its a local woman, and we've had to take her home in the
past. The problem is she's usually an upstanding citizen, but when she gets
drinking..." Guard Black trails off as he looks almost sad.


Pointing suddenly, Guard Moor gestures to a woman weaving in and out of the
crowd, angrily pushing any traveler careless enough to step into her wavering
stagger.


"You shtupid BUM!" She growls taking an unbalanced swing at seemingly
nothing. "I'll kick your a..a...offishers!" The woman's demeanor changes
considerably as the two Guards approach her with purpose.


"I wash jush goin' home." She states as she points chaotically over her
shoulder and turns to follow her pointing.


"Tipsy AGAIN Tina?" Guard Black asks as he grabs her arm and leads her out of
the crowd and towards a large platform.


"N-no no! What? No. I jush have a cold. Tha'sall." Tipsy Tina hiccups as
Guard Moor grabs her other arm to steady her as they lead her up a small flight
of stairs.


"Tina..." Guard Moor says softly almost gently as he smiles in compassion.
"You need help. Your alcoholism is going to get the best of you." He shakes his
head as if the though pains him.


"Yer shhooo cute." Tina giggles as she pinches Guard Moor's cheek.


"What did we say would happen if we caught you intoxicated in public again
Tina?" Guard Black asks grimly as the woman tries to focus on him.


"You..you shed you'd enroll me in a 12 step program." Tina beams happily as
she remembers the threat.


"Actually Tina.." Guard Moor smiles as he points down from the platform. "We
said we'd roll you down twelve steps." He chuckles as he gives her a shove.


"What? NOO-oof!" Tina's protests are cut off as she bounces down the
platform's wooden stairs and lands with a sickening thud at it's base. Broken
and barely twitching the woman lays in a small pool of her own blood as the
Guards peer down.


"Sad really." Guard Black comments as they turn to walk away.


"Recovery programs are never easy." Guard Moor shrugs as the two men wander
off.


************************* 9:15pm Nettleville Hovel
*************************


Guard Black and Guard Moor walk the lantern lit streets of Nettleville Hovel.
Both men look extremely tired as Guard Moor turns towards the camera.


"It's been a long day, and we were just about to head home when we got wind
of a possible burglary. We were already in route, so we figured we'd hit one
more stop today and then call it a night." Moor explains as the two men stop in
front of the door to a small shack.


Mailed fists knocking heavily, Guard Black calls out in a tired voice.


"Qeynos Guard. Open up!" He commands, the irritation of a long day evident in
his voice.


At first there is no response, and both men exchange glances as Guard Black
pulls back his fist to knock again, but before he can swing, the door opens.

An elderly woman looks up at the two Guards, smiling kindly through the many
wrinkles that attempt to hide her eyes.


"Well hello there young man." She says sweetly, beaming a smile up at Guard
Black. "What can I do for you?" She asks as smiles towards Guard Moor.


"Um..we..we had call of a burglar M'am. Everything..um..alright in there?"
Guard Moor asks as he peeks into the home.


"A burglar?" The old woman asks excitedly. "Dear me. I do hope everything is
alright!" She laments causing the two guards to exchange glances once again.


"So..there's no burglar?" Guard Black asks slightly confused.


"Oh! Heavens no!" She laughs and both Guards relax visibly. "I already killed
him." She smiles as she starts to close the door.


"WHAT?!?" The Guards exclaim in unison as the look down at the timid elderly
woman.


"That's right dears. I killed him. Bashed his head in and chopped him right
up into teensy weensy little pieces." She laughs as she makes pinching motions
with her fingers as she says "teensy weensy".


"You KILLED him and CHOPPED UP HIS BODY?" Guard Black asks incredulously.
"Why?!" He demands.


"Well, he was in my house wasn't he? And he was VERY rude going through my
things." She says sternly as she puts a hand on her hips. "Besides..." She
giggles slightly, motioning the men closer.


Hesitantly they lean in as she whispers.


"I want to put his body in my cookies and feed it to the neighborhood kids."
She laughs as the two guards stand to their full height and look back and forth
at each other.


"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Guard Moor asks his partner who nods in
agreement.


"That she's the COOLEST OLD LADY EVER?" Guard Black responds in awe.


"You got it." Guard Moor confirms with a shake of his head and a chuckle.


"M'am, you have a good night, and we're sorry to disturb you." Guard Black
laughs as the old woman smiles up to them.


"Thank you dears, and remember - don't eat the cookies. Teehee." She giggles
before closing the door.


Laughing slightly both guards walk away from the hovel and towards the dimly
lit street.


"It's little things like that..that make this job worth it." Guard Black
admits as they head back towards the Guard House.


"Kinda gets you right..here." Guard Moor agrees in a choked up voice as he
thumps his chest.


The two guards head off into the night as the scene slowly fades to black, a
large white logo filling the screen with a single word.


"Guards".


**end**


To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our EverQuest II Game Page.

Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

Comments