Robot Roll Call

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

"With the discovery of the Fae, a gateway to Faydwer, and the arrival of new races, creatures once thought forever lost, we've uncovered something else - something extraordinary." A large Kerran holding a microphone smiles into the camera as he sweeps his arm around him.

A sterile white laboratory can be seen in the background as several small creatures race around frantically. Carrying gears, gadgets and gizmos, the diminutive figures can only be Gnomes.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you LIVE, from a secret location deep within Faydwer. Standing with me today is local Gnomish Inventor, winner of the Norrathian Safety Award, and robotics expert, Doctor Faken Sternin." Coyotee introduces. A small Gnome clad in a scientists white lab coat smiles pleasantly for the camera as he holds up his clipboard which contains a copy of the safety award.

"Doctor Sternin, you have single-handedly revolutionalized Norrath as we know it. Rumors of gigantic constructs of wood and metal known only as "robots" have spread far and wide. Promises of reduced work, easier living, and lives rich in luxury at the hands of metallic servants." The Reporter flatters as the small Gnome chuckles in modesty.

"Thank you Coyotee, but its really a TEAM effort." Faken says as he gestures to the lab behind him.

"Can you tell us Sir, exactly how do these robots work? What "brings them to life" if you will?" Coyotee asks as he watches the lab assistants working diligently in the back ground. "Where did you get this idea for artificial intelligence?"

Faken laughs and nods good naturedly as he winks to the camera.

"Why from brains of course!" He says as he taps his temple.

"Well, we know you're smart sir," Coyotee agrees echoing the laugh. "But what do you mean by "From brains"? And more importantly - how are these things built?" He asks the Gnome as he gestures towards the workers.

"The brains of the criminally insane, ripped from the still living heads of horribly tortured inmates who scream for vengeance with their last dying breath. Pretty standard stuff really." Faken Sternin says matter-o-factly as he looks at his clipboard.

"And from there we use only the finest of metals, lovingly polished an-" The Gnome is cut off as Coyotee interrupts.

"I'm..sorry. Did you just say that you're using the brains of the criminal insane as basis for your artificial intelligence?" Coyotee asks incredulously.

"ACTUAL Intelligence." Faken corrects with a chuckle. "I mean, they ARE real brains." He adds with another laugh.

The Reporter blinks slowly as he looks towards the camera before panning back to the Gnomish inventor.

"And...you use these brains specifically..why? Coyotee asks as Faken looks up from his clipboard.

"AH!YES! Excellent question!" Faken chuckles good naturedly. "You see, we found that while your "average, run of the mill" brain does indeed work, they don't produce the energy levels or sheer unstoppable determination that the "unstable" brains can generate." The Gnome grins slightly and winks to the reporter. "Plus, they don't have a problem with consuming the flesh of the living as a power source like some of the normal brains did." He adds in confidence.

With a slow incredulous blink the reporter hefts his microphone.

"You..power your robots..with the flesh of the living?" Coyotee asks in clarification.

"Well, of course!" Faken laughs slightly. "Batteries didn't last very long, and internal combustion was both noisy AND harmful to the environment. Our process of molecular fusion using the flesh of living creatures produces cheap, reliable, clean burning energy." The Gnome finishes proudly as he thrusts out his chest.

"You have robots, controlled by the brains of tortured criminals who were driven insane and swearing vengeance upon the world who eat LIVING FLESH for fuel, and you haven't had *any* problems EVER reported?" Coyotee asks suspiciously.

Looking at his feet Doctor Sternin grins sheepishly and kicks at the dust.

"Okay..we've had some small glitches with a few of our models.." He confesses as he looks up at the camera. "But we've attributed them to faulty metals, poor assembly, and operator error." Faken adds quickly as he holds up his clipboard showing the Safety Award once again.

"What KIND of glitches?" Coyotee asks flatly.

"Hmm..well..okay..I don't have EXACT data..but..let's see." The Gnome fumbles with his clipboard as he flips through some pages. "Ah..here we are. The Auto Gardener 2000 for example." He says in a clear voice. "This model has been known to pull potatoes when asked to retrieve carrots, and on occasion it's pruning sheers have cut whole heads of lettuce instead of merely trimming them." He finishes quickly before trying to flip the next page.

"WAIT!" Coyotee cries out, putting a large paw on the page. "What does it say RIGHT there?!" He asks as the Gnome pulls the board away.

"What? Where?" Faken stammers. "Oh? That? That's um..just..a..footnote about sprockets." He insists as the reporter snatches the board.

"This model has been known to SYSTEMATICALLY DEVOUR ITS OWNER?" Coyotee reads from the page. "DEVOUR ITS OWNER?" He cries out, flipping through the clipboard as Faken scrambles in vain to grab it back.

"Wait..they're ALL like this!" Coyotee exclaims as he examines several of the pages in succession. "Auto chef 2000 - face eating, Dog walker 600 - face eating, the Robotic Nanny 9000 OH MY GOD!" The Reporter cries in horror as he drops the clipboard.

Grabbing his clipboard indignantly Faken smoothes out his scientist robes and shakes a finger at the reporter.

"These are SENSITIVE DOCUMENTS!" He scolds angrily. "You have compromised several field tests by reading model names and have greatly jeopardized these studies!" The Gnome chastises, his voice wrought with annoyance.

"YOUR ROBOTS ARE EATING PEOPLE'S FACES!" Coyotee accuses as the Gnome summons one of his assistants.

"Not ALL of them!" Faken quips back. "The Automated Restroom Attendant for example has nev-..oh..wait.." He stops as he reads something on the clipboard before looking at the reporter.

"That's not the point." The Gnome says dryly with a dour expression. "The point is you violated our trust, our agreement and this interview is OVER." He says sternly as he snaps his fingers.

The laboratory shakes as a mammoth robot stomps forward, stopping just short of the gnome. Its eyes light up with an eerie red glow as it forces a mechanical bow.

"Door Greeter Two-Hundred, please escort our..guest.. off of the premises." Faken orders as the monstrous machine turns towards the reporter.

"Affirmative. Kill intruder." The Robot echoes as Coyotee's eyes widen in horror.

Without warning the Kerran turns suddenly and with an amazing burst of speed runs off camera, the murderous machine fast on his heels.

"Hmmmmm." Faken ponders in wonder before as he starts scribbling frantically at his clipboard shaking his head in obvious disapproval at the robot's reaction to his command. An ear-splitting scream off scene jolts the small man from his notes as he sighs and moves towards the camera.

As he switches the device off, the scene mercifully fades to black.

*end*