Coyote's Top Ten Ways to DIE in EverQuest II

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

EverQuest II is a world of Adventure. It's a world of daring acts, brave
heroes, fearsome villains, and unimaginable treasures. Only the strongest will
every truly climb to the top, but that ascension is a slippery slope. So in that
striving to be the best, or in that "quest" for riches and fame you may find
that occasionally...

Every ONCE in a GREAT while...

You die.

You die HORRIBLY. Be it at the hands of your enemy, or because of the actions
of your group mates, you find yourself face down in a pool of your own pixeled
blood as the monster you were fighting dances happily as he "dings" a level and
loots you for your stuff.

But what about the deaths that could have been avoided? What about the
horribly gruesome and painful deaths that were completely your fault? Do you
block them out? Try to forget them?

Or like me, do you relish them and compose a top ten list to let the other
morons out there know that they are *not* alone? Well my brothers and sisters,
if you have more than ONE thing in common with me after reading this list? I'd
be afraid.

Without further ado;

Uncle Coyote's Top Ten WORST WAYS TO DIE IN EVERQUEST II

1) AFK Pops

You just drained the last of your soda and you have to piddle so bad that
your chair squeaks out the rhythm to your impromptu "Sitting PeePee Dance". You
find what seems to be a safe place to hide out, go star in your own little
remake of "Water world" and maybe get a fresh beverage so that the sequel can
have it's OWN sequel in another couple of hours. You're pouring your drink,
wondering idly if the toilet is going to have to stop running or if you need to
"Jiggle the handle" and you hear a familiar sound.

The sound of combat.

Mountain Dew be damned, you toss aside the bottle and run at break neck
speeds back to your lair, but its too late. You can already see your corpse, and
some big scary monster's feet poking out from under the "Revive Message" on the
screen. Your safe place wasn't a safe place at all, but the spawning point of a
see-invis mob that someone had cleared before you got there. If you weren't such
a slave to your bladder YOU would have found a better spot, but noooo, you just
had to pee.

That's why all of us *real* hardcore players wear adult diapers.

2) Auto Follow Follies

Your bladder must be the size of an acorn, because you have to pee again.
(You might wanna get that checked out.) But now, you are in a group and don't
want to hold them up while you go take your 32nd wizz of the night. What do you
do?

"AF on Coyote" you announce to the group as you run desperately towards the
bathroom. You do your little potty dance, wash your hands like a big boy, head
back towards the old 'puter and...

A revive screen? WHAT THE HELL?

You just made a classic blunder, you AF'd on someone you couldn't trust NOT
to run you off a cliff, to the bottom of the ocean, or into the lair of some
raid mob. Your whole group is mocking you, your murderer is laughing so hard
that he can't type and that jerk of a cleric is making you sing the "I'm Sorry"
song from Calvin and Hobbes and makes you promise that you'll call him "Big
Daddy Sugarheals" for the rest of the night just to get a rez.

And you have no one to blame but yourself. Well..yourself and your
bladder.

3) Massive Undercon

The group is AFK, safely tucked in a corner somewhere and you are BORED.
You're the only one at the keyboard, and you are BORED. You dig through your
inventory, you play with emotes, and you are going nuts when some little greenie
mob walks by.

Happier than HELL for something to do you pounce on the little trash mob
ecstatic that your boredom has been relieved.

And then it happens. Maybe it was an undercon, maybe it was a heroic and in
your need for carnage you didn't notice, or maybe you just do all the wrong
things at the wrong time. Whatever the reason, you get OWNED.

You die horribly at the feet of an easy kill who wanders away smugly - just
as your entire party comes back to keyboard to witness your beating. You are
mocked, you are teased and for the rest of the night they remind you that you
just got "pwnd" by a bear cub.

4) Massive Overcon

Is that a 100 x4 mob?!? WOW!! AND HE'S NOT AGGRO?! DOUBLE WOW! I wonder what
he's for?!? Is he for a quest? Why isn't he aggro? I wonder if I can hail him?
I'll just double click and....

Loading...Please Wait

You just wiped the entire Raid because you double clicked an impossible mob
in your Noobish wonder and excitement and inadvertently attacked it.

Word to the wise. Leave the Avatar of Flame ALONE. He doesn't like you and
you'll never live it down. Trust me on this. If something is level 100, leave it
alone. It got to that level by eating people like you.

5) Damn you Nortons! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Spells are flying, swords are swinging and you are laying a smack down of
EPIC proportions on some hapless monster. You are a button mashing, tool bar
clicking MADMAN! Nothing can stop you! Nothing can defeat you! Nothing can...is
that my antivirus scan screen? WHAT? WHERE IS THE GAME?!? NOoooooo!!

That's right you idjit. You didn't turn off your autoscan on your antivirus
and it decided to do a pop-up right in the middle of your fight. You scream as
you frantically scramble for the toggle keys, but it's too late. You've been
killed and you begin to suspect that maybe, just maybe...

The mobs are investing money into Symantec.

6) Power cord Toe Off

It's been a good night. Yer in a groove and it's a nice easy pace. You're
sipping soda, munchin' down on some snack food that'll turn your fingers orange
and cheesy and your feet are playing idly over the stuff under your desk.

BAMN! Out of nowhere some huge mob with a name like "Hexibibble the FACE
EATER" spawns and you are jolted into life or death combat. Out of reflex you
jump out of your lazy slouch, slam down your soda, sit up straight and....

..your big toe slides over the power button on the strip that controls your
desk.

*Blip* Its all gone. The fight, the monster, the win, the reward...the game.
Your left with this nanosecond of fear, regret and anger as you stare at your
pitch black monitor and wonder if you should even bother logging back into the
game.

7) Falling like a safe.

Alts alts! Who's got the ALTS? You've been playing a scout for so long that
you try to bring up tracking windows in the supermarket and you only approach
people from behind. But what happens when you reach end game and want a change
of pace?

Caster? Feh. Casters are for girly men who don't like to MIX IT UP! I'll roll
a tank!

And you do! And you play him! AND HE IS FUN!

.....until you leap majestically off of that cliff that you've bounced off of
so many times before.

On your SCOUT.

Who has SAFE FALL.

Your Dwarven berserker goes bounding down the hillside like a metal plated
bowling ball and ends with a bone-crunching THUD at the bottom. He's hit so far
that they find his duodenum on an archaeological dig a hundred years in the
future buried about thirty feet down.

All because YOU didn't know what class you were playing.

8) Guys? Guys? GUYS?!!?

It’s been a good night; everyone knows their role and is SO comfortable
playing with each other that you've even done away with incoming messages. You
guys are THAT good.

You're running through a zone and spot a named wandering and jump him before
he can MOVE. You're taunting like a mad man, doing damage by the thousands and
...no one is helping you?

Then you realize - too late, that no one saw you veer off and pull the named
mob that is now chewing on your spleen. You die, you die horribly, and your
group is left in confusion of why you'd try to solo a high level mob.

9) Hello! My name is...Loading Please Wait

Just like in real life, if you don't know the person and they LOOK big and
scary, don't go and strike up a conversation. Not all monsters are instant
attack, and some of them are sneaky enough to look like NPC's until you hail
them, approach them, or...in my case - knock on them. Then they magically
transform into epic raid mobs that destroy you and anyone stupid enough to group
with you in the blink of an eye.

Curiosity doesn't only kill the cat, it hunts down the cat's friends,
families, and everyone who might have ever HEARD of the cat and kills them too.
Then it posts on it's "myspace" account on how badly it "pwnt j00" and calls you
a n00b in front of your friends.

If you don't recognize the mob, and know you don't have a quest involving it,
- yet it looks like it might eat you, research it, or for the LOVE OF GOD LEAVE
IT ALONE!

10) Any Lava Port in a storm

Lava is one of the most unforgiving substances known to EverQuest. It doesn't
care about your level, your hit points, your AA's or what leet raiding guild you
co-founded.

Lava kills you instantly, and it is the single most humbler of ANYONE in this
game. You can be a level 70 with every AA and the most fabled gear in the
WORLD...

But mis-navigate and step on some lava and you will be mocked horribly by
everyone around you as you do the "run back of shame" to rejoin your party.

So there you have it, the ten worst ways to die in EverQuest II, and I can
honestly say...

I've done them all. Have you?

-Coyote