The Crock Hunter - In Memory of Steve Irwin (February 22, 1962 – September 4, 2006)

EverQuest Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

The scene opens with an excited looking man wearing khaki shorts and a pith helmet bouncing around wildly behind a tree as he waves towards the camera in exuberance.

“G’day folks! It’s ME, your host to all things wild, Steve Irwin, the CROCK Hunter. ‘Cause if it’s a CROCK, I’m huntin’ it. An’ we’ve a LOVELY episode for ya t’day!” He grins wildly as he camera pans in closer. Tucking a wild blonde lock of hair under his helmet he begins to whisper.

“Tha Plane of Knowledge. Spooky lil’ place, chock FULL of critters and creepies of all shapes an’ sizes! T’day we’re in search of one the most FEARED an’ DANGEROUS creatures in ALL tha world! T’day, we seek out the dreaded an’ deadly, Moronakus Annoyus, most commonly known as the “Dood”. Steve confides to the camera as he points excitedly past the tree to a large rock formation.

“COR’! Looky what I’ve just found!” He exclaims as he runs towards the rock, slowly creeping towards the other side.

His eyes widen as he waves the camera closer, his hand a blur in the air.

“Shhh. Look at THIS beauty!” He whispers loudly as he points to a High Elf Enchanter sitting on the other side of the rock.

“Ain’t he a BEAUT?” Steve asks in awe, obviously admiring the caster.

“This is the Quickus Toafkous, or to most people who encounter them, an AFK’er. Now, while mostly docile, and not dangerous on their own, these lil’ buggers have been known to kill off ENTIRE groups in a matter of seconds. You see these markings here?” Steve points above the Enchanter’s head to the large letters “AFK”.

“The Quickus hides these markings, usually in search of its next meal. It then integrates it’s self into a large group, often takin’ on CRUCIAL roles, such as enchanter, or its more DEADLY cousin, the Canthealus Afkous, the cleric. Only when a group is distracted in battle does the AFK’er show its true marks. Whamo!” He screams, slamming his fist into his open palm. “ The AFK comes up, an’ the group realizes, often too late, just what they are dealin’ with. The AFK’er, while not a hunter, will often feed on the rotting corpses of a slaughtered group. Nasty lil’ buggers, but BEAUTIFUL and DEADLY in design.” Steve sighs as he backs away slowly from the creature, as if not to disturb it.

The crew and host wander deeper into the Plane of Knowledge as suddenly and with a loud curse, Steve takes off running. He pauses behind the corner of a building as the crew catches up to him, panting heavily.

“Shhh. We don’t want to bring ANY attention to ourselves, but take a gander at THIS beauty!” He whispers harshly as the camera slowly pans around the corner.

“Nevergroupus Aloneus. A very common parasite to the planes. Most people just call them “Groupers” for short. The grouper is an odd and EXCITING creature, and verrrry strange for a parasite, as it is CONSTANTLY emitting a loud warning cry to any that come to close - listen!” Steve points as a Wood Elf Ranger throws back his head and shouts loudly.

“Lvl 1 WE rangah LFG PST” The creature bellows before looking around frantically.

“Ya hear that? That loud, harsh, grating whining sound? That’s how the Grouper feeds. Unable to hunt or exist for long on its own, they often migrate to the Planes just MOMENTS after birth. They prey on the kind an’ foolish alike, hoping that the fruit’s of another’s labors might feed them as well. Although not really dangerous, once a Grouper latches on, they NEVER let go, constantly waiting for their host to log on, and FLOODING them with a series of whiny demands!” He explains making a mouth with his hands and closing it quickly as he explains how the creature latches on.

“Lucky fer us, that Nevergroupus Aloneus has a VERY short life span, seldom making it past ten levels or so, and dying of frustration before becoming a serious threat. This fella hasn’t noticed us, so we’re goin’ to give him a WIDE berth, and jus’ leave him alone. Once they have a victim, no amount of reasoning, or explaining will be able to detach the parasite.” Steve explains as they back away slowly.

Still warily watching the Grouper, Steve almost backs into an angry looking Ogre Warrior.

“HEY! WATCH it you noob!” The Ogre growls loudly as he sneers at Steve.

“LOOK AT THIS!” Steve exclaims excitedly as he circles the Ogre in a hyperactive blur.

“I almost stepped on the poor lil’ fella!” Steve explains a bit sheepishly as the Ogre ROARS at being called a “lil’ fella”.

The words “UBEROUS BULLIOUS has challenged YOU to a duel to the death appear just below Steve’s chest.

“Uberous Bullious, also known as a “Dueler”. Although native to Norrath, a lack of victims in the Newbie zones where they hunt has driven them to the planes. Duelers, also known as “Green Jumpers” in some parts are only dangerous to creatures younger and weaker to them. Only praying on those with no chance of defending themselves, Uberous Bullious often seeks out any reason or justification to puff itself up in an indignant RAGE before presenting its challenge.” Steve explains to the camera as the Ogre growls at him loudly.

“CHICKEN! C’MON TOUGH GUY! LETS DUEL IF YOU AREN’T SCARED! Other side of the Oggok stone in 10 minutes!” The Ogre roars as it stomps off, before screaming loudly to the Planes.

“STEVE CORWIN IS A SCARED LITTLE COWARD BECAUSE HE WON’T DUEL ME!” The Ogre roars as it disappears out of sight.

“AMAZING!” Steve whistles low as he watches the Ogre stomp off. “What a cranky fella’. See, Uberous Bullious, while sometimes dangerous, especially to those much smaller and weaker than them, don’t pose a true threat. You see how that fella puffed up, all threatening and scary, but quickly got away? He noticed that we were “red cons” or, more dangerous than himself. If we were to challenge him, he’d pull up his only true defense, the link death. When a Dueler is truly threatened, or has bitten off more than it can chew, it’ll curl up reaaaal tight, and play dead, often leaving its predator alone in disgust.” Steve explains as they round the corner towards the Nexus Stone.

“We’re getting close to the natural habitat of Moronakus Annoyus, or the Dood. Let’s see if I can attract one. By taking a piece of hollowed bamboo and this rock, I can try to call a Dood to us, so that we can better observe this WONDERFUL creature!” Steve says happily as he pulls a large piece of tempered bamboo and rock.

Steve starts rubbing the rock down the hollowed out shaft of the bamboo, causing odd, almost vocal chirping sounds.

“KEI….KEI….CASTING…KEI…” Steve works frantically with the instruments for a few moments with no response. Then suddenly movement appears as someone comes cautiously around a corner. Slowly, almost timidly, a Halfling Druid approaches.

“Crikey! Its workin’ mate!” Steve cries happily as the Halfling Druid approaches.

“U CASTING KEI PLZ?” The Halfling Druid asks as Steve slowly stands, taking pains not to make any quick or sudden movements.

“Easy mate. Don’t want to scare him!” Steve grins to the camera as the Druid comes a bit closer.

“Look at the MARKINGS on this fella! What a RIPPA! As you can see this lil’ fella has little to fear from predators! The Dood is never without his natural armor or weapons, the best the plat can buy. Can you see the way it grasps the staff? Or the matching ornate pattern in all of its markings? This lil’ fella is so twinked, he could skin you alive in a matter of seconds!” Steve bounces around the Dood happily as the Halfling looks on in confusion.

“KEI PLZ KK THX!” The Dood inquires, looking perplexed at the bouncing human.

“Ya see how it types in it’s own language? Moronakus Annoyus uses all caps to ensure maximum annoyance in everything it says. Doods are also veeerry dangerous as they often hunt in packs, and at times can even MIMIC an actual intelligent player. You can easily spot a Dood however, by its level inappropriate gear, its inability to talk in hushed tones, and by its most common trait, abbreviation.” Steve continues as the Halfling grows impatient, and begins to look annoyed.

“Most D00ds are so stricken, even from birth, with attention deficit disorder, or “ADD” that they have to truncated and abbreviate even the most miniscule of words, plus, most are heavily dyslexic! Any becomes “ne”, or the becomes “teh”.” Steve continues as the Halfling walks away in disgust.

“U SUX /IGNORE JOO!” The D00d curses moving off angrily.

Steve follows after him for a moment, before watching him disappear into the distance.

“Cor’! What an exciting day! And such BEAUTIFUL creatures!" Steve grins happily as he watches the Druid grumble off.

Well, that's all tha time we've got for now. I hope you’ve all learned somethin’ t’day about the creatures we share this world with, and how wonderful, and EXCITING they can be! Until next time, this is Steve Corwin the Crock Hunter, sayin’ “Be careful out there. It’s a dangerous world!” G’day!!” Steve waves to the camera excitedly before running off after the D00d.