EverQuest II Interviews: The ones you DON'T want to see

EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

A large Kerran in a plush robe sits in an extremely comfortable looking
chair as he smiles into the camera. Behind him a large white screen displays a
large number “3” as the cat man nods and greets the camera.

“Hello friends, and thank you for joining us once again.” The Kerran smiles
as he folds his hands in his lap. “As you know, not every interview comes out as
perfectly as you’ve seen on television. Behind the scenes everything that can,
will, and does go wrong.” He grins as he motions to the screen behind him.

“Please join us today as we look at a few of the interviews that didn’t quite
make it. I’m sure that you’ll enjoy our pain.” The Kerran chuckles as the screen
starts counting down from three and the room fades to darkness.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"Mutation. Cellular change that differs from the norm leaving ordinary people
with extraordinary abilities." A large cat man holding a microphone preludes as
he looks intently into the camera. "But what happens when that mutation takes
over? When it alters your life so drastically that you cannot function as an
individual any longer? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news,
bringing you the true story." The Kerran introduces as the camera pans back
bringing a hulking Barbarian into view.

"Joining me today is local Barbarian, and newly discovered "Mutant" -
Brokdor. Brok, thank you for joining us today." Coyotee nods to the huge man who
looks on with sad eyes.

"Thank you for having me Coyotee. I'm a huge fan." Brok offers a sad smile as
Coyotee politely thanks him.

"Thank you, it's always good to meet fans." The Reporter smiles softly. "So,
we're told that you have recently discovered that you are a mutant?" The Kerran
asks in compassionate tones.

"Well..it's not technically..me." The Barbarian sighs as he looks down at his
feet. "You see...I have a Kuato, and Quatto is the mutant, not me." Brok
explains, his face taking on a pained expression.

"A..Kuato?" Coyotee asks in confusion. "I'm..I'm not familiar with the
term." He admits as the large man shrugs.

"Kuato is a mutant parasite that lives in my stomach. He's gained sentience
and mutant abilities, and is making my life a living HELL." Brokdor sobs as
Coyotee pats his arm.

"Can...can we speak to Kuato?" Coyotee asks as Brok nods a reluctant yes and
begins unbuttoning his shirt.

Discarding the clothing, Brokdor stands bare-chested in front of the reporter
as he grabs him by the paw, placing it on his stomach.

"Rub slowly, in a circle as I mediate." The Barbarian instructs as the
reporter begins making slow, hesitant circles. "Kuato will appear and I will
momentarily lose consciousness." He adds as the Reporter begins rubbing his
stomach.

"Like this?" Coyotee asks as he makes circular motions on the big man's
belly.

"Oooh..oh yeah. That's it...harder...rub..mmm..harder." Brok instructs as the
cat man picks up pace.

After several minutes of rubbing and the Barbarian moaning and arching his
back, Coyotee blinks in realization and looks up at the man as he groans.

"You...you really don't have a Kuato...do you?" Coyotee asks as he looks up
at the large Barbarian, his paw paused in mid-rub on the man's stomach.

"Um. No..no..I don't." Brokdor sighs in defeat as he looks down at the cat
man rubbing his stomach.

"Then...why.." Coyotee asks looking at his hand on the big man's belly, but
is immediately interrupted.

"You have a really gentle touch." The hulking Barbarian sighs dreamily as he
closes his eyes.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"Sex." A large Kerran holding a microphone looks intently into the camera as
he lets the single word ring with force. "The billion plat industry that no one
talks about, no one participates in, yet the coins fall like rain into the
greedy hands of those who work in this particularly seedy industry. This is
Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this exclusive look
into the cyber sex industry." The large Kerran introduces as he moves towards a
large building.

"As we arrive on scene we're granted by a normal site. A building, like so
many others, stands unassuming deep within the township of South Qeynos."
Coyotee explains as he looks at the building.

"But this building holds a darker, more perverted secret." He says solemnly
as the camera crew follow him up the steps. "I have it on good authority that
inside this innocent looking dwelling lays a den of sex and sin that is
frequented by many who call this supposedly pristine city, home." He growls as
he points to the front door.

"What kind of deranged miscreant visits these virtual brothels you may ask?"
Coyotee says looking directly into the camera. "What kind of sad, pathetic, mere
shell of a man would have to PAY for sex?" He asks as he slams a fist against
the door.

"Join us next week when we -" His continuation is cut off as the door to the
dwelling opens as a large chested red headed woman peeks out in surprise.

"Can I help y- COYOTEE!" The woman squeals in delight as she moves towards
the startled reporter and embraces him in a well-perfumed hug.

"Back so soon kitty?" She coos as the reporter starts making frantic "cut"
signals to the camera.

"I don't...know..what you mean..um..Miss..." Coyotee stammers as he looks
around uncomfortably as he tries to move towards the steps.

"Don't you MISS me you naughty boy!" The busty redhead chides as she slaps
the reporter playfully with a small riding crop. "How many times to I have to
tell you to call me Kiana?" She flirts as she takes the reporter by the paw.

"You're back early, but the girls won't mind at ALL." She purrs as she
strokes the fur of his arm. "I'm afraid that the nipple clamps are being used,
and we haven't gotten any of the hot wax in stock from last time, but we'll make
due." Kiana laughs as she pulls the reporter towards the door as he
half-heartedly fights against her.

"I..I can't, I'm..I don't know WHO...wrong building and.. I can't. " Coyotee
stammers as she pulls him into the building.

"You can't WHAT?" Kiana growls as she slaps his thigh with the riding crop.

"I can't...Mistress." The reporter says in defeat as the door is closed
behind them, leaving a very amused camera crew to focus on the brothel door.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"Illusions. One race taking the form of another for fun, for safety, and for
reasons sometimes more nefarious." A large Kerran holding a microphone says with
a grin as he looks into the camera. "But what happens when these illusions go
wrong? Or worse? Come out with unexpected - yet comical results? This is Coyotee
Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news, bringing you the story of this unexpected
twist." He laughs as he moves through a brightly lit forest.

"The Fae. A newly discovered race of sprite that has gained much attention
here on Norrath." Coyotee grins as he points towards an Acorn City. "The live in
the tree tops of Kelethin as they work, as they explore, as they play." He
explains with a chuckle as he moves towards a hulking ogre in a dirty, mangled,
but very pink tutu.

"But what happens when they try to use racial potions to look like another
race?" The reporter asks as he nods towards the Ogre. "Standing with me today is
local Kelethin resident, and Fae by birth, "PrettyPretty PixiePrincessFairy." "
Coyotee grins as he looks at the Fairy Ogre.

"PrettyPretty, can you tell us what happened?" The reporter asks, obviously
amused.

"HULLO!" The fairy roars as he waves excitedly towards the camera. "Yup.
Krunnk..er..PrettyPretty tell you." He grins showing jutting tusks.

"Me jus' a pretty pretty pixie princess fairy who drink potion. Potion turn
me into OGRE, but LOOK!" The Fairy Ogre exclaims laughing loudly as he turns his
back toward the camera. "ME STILL HAVE ME FAIRY WINGS!" He roars with raunchy
laughter as he jumps up and down.

The camera focuses in on the Ogre's "wings" which seem to be in reality, a
very scared and very naked Fairy taped crudely to the huge beast's back.

"Kill me." The Fairy pleads to the camera as the Ogre spins back around
laughing jovially.

The Kerran reporter stares in stunned horror at the happily bouncing Ogre who
dances around and sprinkles glitter on the cat man.

"You...you have a Fairy taped to your back." Coyotee says in monotoned shock.

"No me don't." Krunnk says quickly as he moves his back out of the camera's
view.

"No..no you do. You totally do! I just SAW it!" Coyotee accuses as the fairy
chimes in with another "Please kill me." from behind the Ogre's back.

"NO. ME. DON'T!" The Ogre growls dangerously as he waves a huge fist in the
cat man's face.

Gently putting his paws on the large fist and lowering it, Coyotee sighs and
shakes his head.

"Krunnk. Why do you have a Fairy taped to your back?" Coyotee asks slowly as
if talking to a child.

"KRUNNK WANNA BE A FAIRY! IT NOT FAIR!" Krunnk bawls loudly as tears stream
his face. Waiting for the sobbing to pass, the reporter gently pats the large
monster's hand.

"Krunnk, you can't be a Fairy. You're an Ogre. You don't have wings." Coyotee
explains as the Ogre sniffles. "Just like *I* can't be a Fairy, because I have a
tail." He smiles as Krunnk looks up with wide eyes.

"OOH! KRUNNK WANNA TAIL! KRUNNK WANNA BE A KITTY MAN!" The Ogre screams
cheerfully as he rips the taped fairy off of his back and discards him over his
shoulder without looking.

"Um...you..can't be a Kerra..you.." Coyotee's eyes widen as Krunnk produces a
large roll of tape and sections off an impressive length with a loud ripping
sound.

"C'mere. Me got present for you." Krunnk says slyly as Coyotee turns and runs
off screen.

"YOU JUST MAKIN' THIS HARD ON YOU SELF!" The Ogre roars as he thunders past
the camera giving chase.

The camera rocks on its tripod before going eerily still, screaming and the
ripping of tape barely audible in the distance.

(3)

(2)

(1)

The lights come back up as Coyotee finishes a wine glass of milk and sets it
on the table beside him.

“Thank you for joining us today dear friends.” He smiles as he folds his
hands back in his lap. “And please remember for every interview that goes
right….” He stands slowly and removes his robes. Large patches of fur have been
ripped from his hide in patterns that look suspiciously like tape.

“There are those that go horribly..horribly wrong. Thank you, and goodnight.”
He nods as he begins to redress, the camera slowly fading to black.

*end*