Your Personality and Horoscope by Race in EverQuest II

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

Ever wonder why you are the way you are? Is the cosmos truly shaping your
path? Is Astronomy placing you in a mold and giving you a role in life that you
must fulfill?

Are the choices you make TRULY your own?

The top minds leading the way in Astronomy and Personality Analysis were
brought in to help analyze a gamer’s choice in race in EverQuest II, and to
divine from that choice both the player’s personality AND a glimpse into their
romantic future.

Those leading minds promptly laughed at us and left.

Bitter, twisted, and angry with the world, we used our own negative energies
and abilities to research facts that we made up on the spot to bring you the
following;

“Uncle Coyote’s Bitter Little Guide to You and the Cosmos”

Barbarian - Tall, well muscled and intimidating, the Barbarians are a
race of hearty warriors who have never in their life received a wedgie or a
"swirlie". They've never had to pick TP out of their hair and walk dripping back
to homeroom with their shoes squishing every other step! Not Barbarians! Why,
they'd slice you in half and then ride away with your significant other slung
over the back of their horse like a bag of Columbian coffee!

If you play a Barbarian, chances are you've had your underwear pulled up to
your neck at least once in the last two hours. You escape to a virtual world
where no one is making you do ANYTHING you don't want to do, especially your
sister who embarrasses you in front of her friends and shows people the picture
of you in the bathtub with your cousin when you were two. Like Cory Feldman
stealing pennies from the bottom of the moss garden well, this is your time,
your place, and here? You're a giant.

Romance - You'll fall in love with a tall, strapping, perfect specimen
of the opposite sex. You'll connect with them on a level you've never connected
before as you share hopes, dreams, fears, and secrets. Finally, as they work up
the nerve and ask the "big question" you'll type back a tearful "yes", only to
have the server reject the message and kick you out of the game because your
mother canceled your subscription because you "don't go outside enough" and your
"room is starting to smell funny".

On the plus side - Once you find a place that sells game cards,
countless gnolls will pay for the follies of your mother.

Dark Elf - Dark, sexy, lithe and dominating, you play a Dark Elf
because you are none of these things. The only thing you've ever dominated was
two quarts of "Double Fudge Cookie Dough" ice cream while watching Grey's
Anatomy. You've fallen in love with Drow Elven society and secretly see yourself
climbing to the role of High Priest or Matron when in reality you have trouble
climbing the three steps that lead to your apartment.

Well guess what Drizzt? This isn't forgotten realms, and these aren't spider
worshipping bondage fetishists from a female controlled society, so get your
domination kink on somewhere else. You wanna scream "yes mistress" and eat from
a bowl of dog food while some psycho in cenobite garb whips you and calls you a
worm? That's fine - you just keep it to the 500 bucks an hour you pay "Mistress
DarkMoon" in real life, and out of MY game.

Romance - Leather, buckles, and chains are in your near future!
Unfortunately they come in the form of the angry group of "Hell's Angels" that
you cut off in traffic. They find you barely conscious and naked, hanging
upside-down by a dog leash from an Friendly's sign. People submit your story to
all of the "funny news" sites on the web and you are laughed at by millions and
forever known as "The Human Fribble".

On the plus side - This is probably how you get your kicks anyway.

Dwarf - If you play a Dwarf you don't do it because you like it,
because lets face it - you don't like ANYTHING OR ANYONE. Dwarves are short,
stocky, unshaven surly little brutes and so are you. If people don't like it
then tough noogies.

You don't play this game to socialize, you play it to amass riches and gold
and enough wealth to ensure that you are well enough equipped that you don't
have to rely on anyone. Ever. They're all a bunch of whack-a-do's anyway. Always
rambling on and trying to talk while you are trying to play like this game is
some glorified instant messenger. Does this look like AIM or MSN to you? None of
them pull up their pants, walking around with their underwear showing and WHY
WON'T THEY STAY OFF OF MY LAWN?

Romance - You might be a sour old codger, but you have a soft,
romantic side too. And if paying random strangers that you meet on shady street
corners twenty dollars for a bit of tenderness isn't romantic, then you don't
know what is.

On the plus side - You get to whack people with your walking stick if
they don't get out of your way.

Erudite - Mysterious, intelligent, and quiet; these three things best
describe the Erudites. Of course, these three things are always used to describe
SERIAL KILLERS right after a nosey neighbor finds a freezer full of body parts
when he's rooting around for the last nutty buddy bar. Erudites creep people
out, and chances are if you play one, so do you.

Homeless people screaming at invisible monkeys, the guy on the back of the
bus who stares at you without blinking, and the guy at the bowling alley who
REALLY likes giving out the rental shoes all play Erudites. Usually users of
dark magic, these freaky-eyed Vger clones love playing with dying things, dead
things, and things (including other players) that they can soon MAKE dead.

Romance - You'll find a member of the opposite sex that you fall
completely and utterly in love with. You'll kiss their lips, hold their hand,
and share every secret and fear with them, without worry or self doubt that
they'll ever betray you. Unfortunately they've been dead about two weeks.

On the plus side - You REALLY don't mind.

Fae - Perky, vibrant, extremely playful and happy little brightly
colored pixies, you annoy the living hell out of EVERYONE around you. Always
played by young women who carry around rat-sized dogs in handbags, or by older
women who are trying to give off the "youthful" and "unwrinkled" vibe, no men
play Fae. EVER. Oh, yeah, there was one - but we found him, and until his
fingers mend and they replace his duodenum with a donor part? He won't be
playing ANYTHING.

People who play Fae are shocked and amazed every time the stop light turns
from red to green. They always have original names like "Tiinkerbelle" or
"Chrisssta" and are absolutely stunned when the properly spelled versions of the
name they want is taken, because NO ONE ELSE has *EVER* seen Peter Pan or Fern
Gully. Happy, silly, and always trying to spread joy, Fae fail to realize that
the only way we want to see their wings in front of us is deep fried with hot
sauce.

Romance - You'll meet that special someone on MySpace and hit it off
immediately. Your soul mate and life partner, you'll wonder how you lived so
long without them, and why it's taken them over two hours to bring you back a
glass of water when the kitchen is only two rooms away, and what was that "front
door slamming" sound you heard about 120 minutes ago?

On the plus side - You have MySpace in your favorites and your next
"soul mate" is only a few simple clicks away.

Froglok - Kind hearted, peace loving, and a bit off beat, you either
chose Froglok because you are a dirty hippy, a complete whack job, or a mixture
of both. You were the kid in class who ate paste - not for attention or for
comedic value, but because you REALLY LIKED THE PASTE. Now you chill out playing
a Froglok because they are really, like, laid back man. Plus, you can lick
yourself and see weird colors for up to an hour.

Frogs are cute, peaceful, docile little animals who look like they are stoned
out of their mind most of the time. Every frog that *I've* ever seen just sits
there like it's pondering how they get the cheese powder to stick to the cheeto
with not a care in the world - until some large bird of prey swoops along and
carries it off to be devoured alive. Not the frog seems to care.

Romance - You'll be in some mushroom patch somewhere reaching down to
pick up a rather large piece of fungus when you'll bump heads with a like-minded
dirty hippy of the opposite sex. They'll have a name like "Meadow" "Willow"
"Ernie" or "Seamus" and you'll fall madly in love and raise dirty, smelly,
unshaven hippy children together until you are arrested for being a stoner in a
no-stoner zone.

On the plus side - You are probably the most likely of any of these
character types to be in an orgy.

Gnome - Short, intelligent, and clever with a natural tendency to
tinker, Gnomes are naturally inquisitive. Unfortunately they're also naturally
worthless. Wanting to be the world's most perfect "Handy man" Gnomes have tools,
blueprints, and plans for taking apart or building up any device you can think
of. Too bad they lacking the one key ingredient that would make them useful -
SKILL.

Everything a Gnome makes is destined to catch on fire, blow up, and kill
everyone in a five mile radius; ten mile radius if the project was purposely
designed to *NOT* catch on fire, blow up and kill everyone in a five mile
radius. If you play a Gnome you are probably really smart. You are also probably
a virgin who still lives with your parents in room decorated with video game
posters and a "race car".

Romance - No member of the opposite sex will every talk to you because
you have a bad habit of smelling your index finger when you think no one is
looking. Your brains weird people out because you are so, SO, smart, yet so *SO*
dumb at the same time.

On the plus side - You can probably build a robot version of the
opposite sex who looks and feels 100% real, and has eye lasers to melt the face
of the people who mock you.

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