GU#36 And How It Will Affect YOU

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

The test notes went out for the quickly approaching Game Update, and as you can imagine, there has been quite the stir among the players.

Am I getting nerfed? Am I being left alone? Is the game changing so drastically for me that my class will be left a useless lump of vendor gear, destined never to get a group?

The rumors are flying, the tempers are rising, and in effort to help everyone cool down, stand back, and take a deep breath - we've decided to PERSONALLY go over the test notes, find out what is happening to each and every class....

...and mock them horribly.

What's in store for your class? Let's find out;

Assassin - What they are saying: "So we're not getting hit hard with the Game Update - that's not the issue, the issue is; Do we *all* have to be Ratongas? I mean can't we have like an OGRE Assassin? Or maybe snarling Kerran? What the hell is up with the Mickey Mouse club?"

What we hear: Squeak squeak squeak *SNAP* squuueeeeaak!

Conclusion: No one would hire an Assassin named Mister Squeakers.

Berserker - What they are saying: "You are taking away our block bonuses...yet you give us an entire AA line dedicated to shields and blocking. Why not just give us keys to a car that we can't drive?"

What we hear: "Screw this. Where the F*** is my two handed sword?"

Conclusion: When you picture a berserker, you always imagine some psycho running nuts through battle without a rational thought going through their rage blinded head - so carrying a shield and carefully parrying blows does seem a bit silly. Plus? Chicks dig scars.

Brigand - What they are saying: "You lower our ability to shake aggro and want us to head down the INTELLIGENCE line? What the HELL? How much intelligence does it take to beat the living piss out of a badger?!"

What we hear: "Duuuur. Duuuuuh. I LIKE WAFFLES!"

Conclusion: Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh - it is just a tad silly to point non-intelligence based classes down an intelligence line. Of course, this might help because if Brigands had ANY intelligence.....they would have rolled Swashies.

Bruiser - What they are saying: "Stone Deaf now has a percentage chance to trigger (100% at Master I), Mitigation is now calculated in determining if the Stoneskin triggers its damage threshold."

What we hear: Charlie Brown's teacher going "Waah wuhh wah, wuh-wuhwah waah."

Conclusion: What?!?

Coercer - What they are saying: "Do illusionists really need an opposition class to counter act them? I mean, don't get us wrong - we like the any weapon in the strength line thing - but seriously. Illusionists? That's like being Aquaman's arch nemesis. You're not exactly getting chicks at the "evil genius" conferences, ya know?

What we hear: "Why yes! I'd love to come along for the sole purpose of eating a harm touch!"

Conclusion: Don't get me wrong - having crowd control IS NICE, but when you don't have it...do you really notice? Do something useful and go get me a Mochachino there fancy robes.

Conjurer - What they are saying: "Did we just get a bunch of fixes and perks?!"

What we hear: Nothing. They're shutting up and trying not to be noticed so that they don't get nerfed next time.

Conclusion: Time to roll a Conjurer.

Defiler - What they are saying: "Buffs, spell cost reduction and quickened timers! This will only add to our value in a group!"

What we hear: "Sorry - there were no REAL healers available, but I have these band-aids. Look! Sponge Bob!"

Conclusion: I am never getting healed again.

Dirge - What they are saying: "We're not getting nerfed? We're getting UPGRADED? FREAKIN' SWEET!"

What we hear: The sound of all of the Troubadours crying.

Conclusion: Dirges are like rock stars to the band geeks that are Troubadours. And we all know what happens at band camp involving flutes and suspicious lip sores.

Fury - What they are saying: "We finally get an option to take the rez or not on rebirth? You mean we don't have to automatically resurrect in the middle of a group of angry monsters?"

What we hear: "An entire class saying "It is about FRICKIN' TIME" in unison."

Conclusion: And Menders everywhere began to cry as SOE just nerfed their profits.

Guardian - What they are saying: "Tower of Stone: Now has a percentage chance to trigger (100% at Master I), Mitigation is now calculated in determining if the Stoneskin triggers its damage threshold. Damage done to shields has been removed. Trigger count reduced to 2."

What we hear: "Can someone tell me what that crap means? I just like..ya know...stand there and get hit - I don't think I'm qualified to assess the ramifications of the above statement. I mean...I basically just get hit. A lot. Mostly in the head."

Conclusion: There was really nothing funny to say about Guardians.

Illusionist - What they are saying: Nothing. No one plays this class.

What we hear: The muffled sound of padded slippers stomping on the floor for saying that no one plays an Illusionist.

Conclusion: If someone in robes runs up to you and claims to be an Illusionist, chances are it is just a Wizard trying to be funny.

Inquisitor - What they are saying: "They're nerfing my damage output? So I'll just shatter your skull when I punch you, rather than take off your whole head?

What we hear: The sound of a bunch of Illusionists getting swirlies as the Inquisitors take out their rage at getting a nerf.

Conclusion: Going eighty miles an hour, or cruising at seventy - a truck hitting you is still a truck hitting you.

Monk - What they are saying: "What? They improved WHAT?!? Really? Well.. Ahem. The flight of the bird is a journey of both heart and sky."

What we hear: "Crap. People are going to expect us to tank."

Conclusion: Cover up your freakin' nipples, you're weirding us out you pajama wearing hippies.

Mystic - What they are saying: "Spell increases and permanent buffs will aid in our keeping our group alive!"

What we hear: "Where the hell did all of my Sponge Bob band-aids go?!"

Conclusion: At least "Defiler" has a cool name.

Necromancer - What they are saying: "These changes were both fair and valid. I support them."

What we hear: "Muahahha! The power...the ABSOLUTE POWER! WHO IS YOUR DADDY BISH?! WHO IS YOUR DADDY NOW?!?"

Conclusion: ......you're my Daddy.

Paladin - What they are saying: "I can't look. Someone look. They didn't nerf us did they? I mean, what's left? What can they TAKE?!? YOU WANT MY ARMOR YOU BASTARDS! FINE! HERE! JUST LEAVE US ALONE! *sobs* Leave us...alone!"

What we hear: The clenching of armor clad butt cheeks everywhere as they slowly read through the nerf notes.

Conclusion: Leave the Pallies alone, they've been through enough haven't they? They just want to play in peace and pretend that they haven't been poopy poked with the sharp end of the nerf stick. Just leave them alone..

Ranger - What they are saying: "You can't NERF US! We are NOT overpowered! Why, just the other day on a raid someone ALMOST parsed as high as me! Stop picking on us!"

What we hear: The meaty smacks of an entire raid beating them hell out of them for not admitting that they might be just a tad bit over powered.

Conclusion: Lump it Legolas, even with the changes you are still at the top of the food chain. So now you only out parse me by five million, not six. We fixed your arrow usage didn't we? Siddown and take it like the a tights wearing, meadow prancing, bunny kissing MAN.

Shadow Knight - What they are saying: "I have ONE powerful attack in PVP. One. And it's currently on a two month, three week, four day timer - and you're going to REDUCE the damage it does? Why even still call it Harm Touch? Why not just name it "Slightly Annoying Touch" or "The Spell he was casting right as I killed him" touch?"

What we hear: "Waaah! I can't kill you in one hit now! Waaaah!"

Conclusion: Suck it up Nancy Drew. At least you're not a Paladin. Poor guys.

Swashbuckler - What they are saying: "So it's going to be harder for me to shake aggro? That sucks. Where are the chicks?"

What we hear: The sound of panties being thrown and woman fainting as the Swashbucklers walk by and wink.

Conclusion: We hate the god damn Swashbucklers.

Templar - What they are saying: We're losing percentages to DPS and melee crits, but gaining double attack and averaging out our overall DPS.

What we hear: I should have rolled a Scout.

Conclusion: STOP SURFING THE INTERNET AND PLAYING IN INSTANT MESSAGES AND HEAL ME! NO! CLOSE that browser window! CLOSE IT! You see that RED speck? SEE IT? That's MY FRIGGING HEALTH because you had to check on your eBay auction! DO YOUR JOB NURSE!

Troubadour - What they are saying: "Who cares about the Game Update? I wanna know what is so frigging great about being a Dirge? Why are WE the smelly kid who eats paste of the Bardic world? We're both Bard classes right? Then why are there only SIX of us? That's it. SIX of us, and one of us keeps spamming me about buying plat!"

What we hear: Nothing. We were listening to the Dirge.

Conclusion: Would anyone even KNOW if Troubadours were nerfed? I say give them all +2 Million Swords of Everything Slaying and see how long it takes for people to notice.

Warden - What they are saying: "Damage increase, damage increase, reuse timer cut in half, ability added..."

What we hear: "I slept with three quarters of the dev team!"

Conclusion: If a single Warden complains about anything, ever, Paladins are allowed to drive to the player's house and punch them in the eye.

Warlock - What they are saying: "New aggro loss and spell stacking verses losing a tiny bit of damage? Maybe now I'll be able to cast TWO spells before I steal aggro and die a painful and violent death. Gee THANKS."

What we hear: Wizards everywhere putting on their nut-kicking boots.

Conclusion: With great DPS comes the need to be scraped up with a putty knife from time to time.

Wizard - What they are saying: "What friggin part of "Squishie" are you having a hard time with? I blow my god damn nose too hard and I lose a tooth, so you make my damage ward work against "non-physical" damage? Do all of my spells now come with an instant Rez Request to the healers? This isn't Harry Potter you slack jawed knuckle draggers - this is COMBAT MAGIC and I got your Hogwarts RIGHT HERE. *grabs crotch*

What we hear: "Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, Rez Plz."

Conclusion: Next GU, when you roll a new Wizard he starts out dead - just so you know what you are getting yourself into. As unjustified as this is, there is just something FUNNY about making a Squishie class.....squishier.

Wrap up - So there you have it. An honest and unbiased look at how the next game update is going to affect every class, and the answer to the question;

"Why can't Coyote ever seem to get a group?"

-Coyote

*end*