EverQuest II Interviews: The Blooper Reel Part Deux

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

A large cat man sits in a plush armchair as he sips from a wine glass of milk. Turning towards the camera he smiles as he straightens slightly and offers a friendly nod of his head.

"Good evening. Over the years, our interviews have gone extremely well. Professional reporting, news breaking scandals, and never before seen glimpses into the lives of those made famous here on Norrath." The Kerran explains as he nods to a large white screen embossed with a giant number three.

"But those are just the interviews that we've ALLOWED you to see. The ones that never left the cutting room floor however...can be much more...enlightening." He chuckles as he motions to the screen as it begins to count down from three.

"Please sit back, relax and enjoy yet another segment of "EverQuest II Interviews: The Blooper Reel." He grins as the room goes dark.

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A large Kerran holding a microphone stands next to a hulking Ogre as the camera focuses in on the pair.

"Love. Few things in this world are as beautiful or as powerful as this emotion. It has bridged worlds, united enemies, and has healed countless hearts with its will alone. But what happens when your lover dies? What happens to that emotion? That feeling? That power? Does it reach beyond the grave? This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this exclusive story." The cat-man says seriously into the microphone as he turns towards the monstrous Ogre.

"Standing with me today is local Ranger, and reformed Ogre, Krunnk Big'Haffer, who is here to share an amazing story." Coyotee explains as the Ogre waves happily into the camera.

"Krunnk...there is a rumor..." Coyotee starts slowly, carefully picking his words. "That you have recently ...well...that you've actually kissed the lips of a ghost." The reporter says with a chuckle, half expecting the Ogre to deny it.

Blushing crimson the Ogre looks around and awkwardly before looking at his feet.

"Um..who tell you that?" Krunnk asks still blushing.

Blinking in disbelief, the Kerran reporter lifts the microphone and looks at the blushing giant.

"Are you saying that this is TRUE?" Coyotee asks for clarification, causing the Ogre to blush even darker.

"Yes." Krunnk says in a little voice as he giggles slightly.

"What?! What is wrong with you?!" The reporter bellows in disbelief. "Do you know what could have happened to you?!" Coyotee shakes his head as he stares at the large Ogre in awe.

"It not that bad." Krunnk says with a disinterested shrug. "Her give nice kisses." The ogre says bashfully.

"NICE Kisses?!? You touched lips with the UNDEAD. A phantom, a spook - a SPECTOR! And YOU LIVED!" The reporter reiterates in amazement. "You actually kissed a GHOST." He finishes, simply stunned.

"You jus' say GHOST?" Krunnk asks with a puzzled look.

"Um. Yeah. A ghost. You know...OoOOooh." Coyotee explains as he wails like the undead.

"Ooooohhh! Me thought you SAID GOAT! HAHA!" Krunnk laughs loudly as the reporter pales visibly. "Me would never kiss GHOST. That just SILLY!" He titters as he shakes his head.

His head snapping up as he stares blankly into the camera, Coyotee makes the "cut" motion frantically towards the recorder's operator as the scene instantly shifts to static.

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A very large and very *naked* Kerran stands in front of a television camera as he grins into his microphone.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you LIVE from the first annual "Best Thief on Norrath" contest where local Assassin and professional pickpocket Roberto Stabbs has just been crowned the best of the best." The cat man grins as he turns to his left.

"Tell me Roberto, when did....where'd he go?" Coyotee asks looking around in confusion as a few people passing by in the background stop to snicker.

Looking down, the reporter's eyes widen considerably as he quickly looks up into the camera in shock.

"Holy [CENSORED] he's good!" The cat man admits in amazement as a hand quickly covers the camera lens.

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The camera focuses in on a wild eyed Paladin who runs around frantically as he waves his sword in the air with flourish. Running directly towards the camera the holy Warrior stops inches from the recording device and grabs its sides with his gauntleted hands.

"LEEEEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY JEEEEEEEENNNNNNKIIIIIIIIINSSSSS!" The crazed man howls insanely as he throws back his head in laughter.

Out of nowhere a mammoth green tinted fist suddenly collides with the side of the Paladin's head causing the man to instantly crumple as he falls to the ground in a lifeless heap.

"NO! BAD!" A large Ogre scolds as he steps into the scene, the obvious owner of the devastating fist.

"That not FUNNY no more. You CUDDITOUT!" The giant growls again in annoyance as he offers the pile of flesh and armor a swift kick with the side of his foot.

"NOT. FUNNY!" The Ogre growls as he dusts off his hands and walks off scene, noisily stomping over the prone figure.

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"With the discovery of new races and rumors of forgotten worlds and returning gods, Avatars - seemingly inhuman, almost god-like creatures have been reported from all over the face of Norrath." A large cat man holding a microphone stares seriously into the camera as he speaks.

"Standing with me today in this EXCLUSIVE interview is a newly arrived Avatar to one of the forgotten gods. What powers does this Deity possess? How faithful are his followers? Join me, Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news as we bring you the TRUE story." The reporter says as he turns towards a small figure at his right.

"You sir, you claim to be an Avatar to one of these so called "New Gods", is this true?" Coyotee asks as he holds the microphone out towards a shabbily dressed Halfling whose face is red and splotchy and appears to be covered in some sort of sauce.

"That is correct, mortal. I, Tom Atosauce have been sent to you from the heavens to bring forth the word of the ONE TRUE GOD!" The chubby hobbit intones loudly as he chews absently on a piece of garlic bread.

"Uh huh. And which true god is this?" Coyotee asks as he looks on skeptically.

"From on high our lord and master sits.." Tom begins as he brushes crumbs from his shirt and hands. "He was breathed into existence out of the great saucepan of the universe, and as the meaty globes of the cosmos formed, so was he born." The small man moans as he throws his stained hands skyward.

"Great..sauce pan of..." Coyotee begins, only to be cut off by the wailing Halfling.

"OH GREAT AND POWERFUL FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!" Tom cries as he throws himself to his knees. "LOOK DOWN upon your loyal worshippers and form your noodles into a smile of pride! For we have supped at the Olive Garden of wisdom, and we have chewed on the garlic of righteousness and WE HAVE -" The prophet's screams are interrupted by the reporter yanking him rudely to his feet.

"What the HELL is wrong with you?" Coyotee asks as he roughly shoves the small man.

"Huh? Whaddya mean?" Tom asks as he blinks out of his faith induced trance.

"There is NO SUCH THING as a Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster!" The reporter snarls. "It is the stupidest god damn thing I have ever he..heard of?" He finishes as something long and pale white circles his waist like an alabaster snake.

"What...the?" Coyotee asks as he looks down.

"BEHOLD HIS NOODLY APPENDAGE!" Tom screams in delight, throwing himself to the ground as the reporter is ripped screaming from in front of the camera, his frantic cries fading in the distance as the tips and fades to black.