It Came From Beyond the Patch Notes

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue and Tony "RadarX" Jones

It's patch time again and it appears GU36 has a wide variety of interesting changes. Coyote and I of course haven't read a single one of them and since the man is always trying to keep us down we're being forced to read them. So feel free to join us...for the last time Coyote this isn't THAT type of theater...Feel free to join us as we examine this month's patch notes.

The Throne of New Tunaria is now available as a new high level raid zone for adventurers to explore and test their skills.



RadarX: A new raid zone at last. This will mean there shouldn't be any complaints about raid content for at least...48 hours. Of course if something is broken in the zone make that 48 minutes.

Coyote: Unless they've already played through it a million times on Test. Good job SOE, we've already CONQUERED THIS ZONE! When are we getting NEW RAID CONTENT?!?

RadarX: The Worldwide First Claims (and the subsequent "You did it on Test" claims) should roll in quickly but hopefully SOE made it near impossible to do.

Coyote: We need new content before the new content is even released.

The final chapters of the Swords of Destiny quest line have been released. See Sir Trodonis in Butcherblock for further information.



RadarX: Assuming you collected all your Pokemon statues this will be the final quest. What is the mystery behind the sword? Will the Lone Ranger escape? Stay tuned to your local walkthrough sites for the next exciting episode.

Coyote: In the final chapter? Snape kills Dumbledore.

RadarX: Dude....again with the Rowling fans.

Coyote: I have flocks of Owls in the trees over my house...just waiting.

Not happy with your tradeskill profession? Consult a tradeskill career counselor in Neriak, Kelethin, Qeynos Ironforge Exchange, Freeport Coalition of Tradesfolke or Haven about the possibility of starting over!



RadarX: ITT Tech no longer satisfied with providing Criminology and Computer training has entered the world of Norrath? The change means you can reset your TS to level 9. Reversible is good.

Coyote: I never wanted to be a Provisioner...I wanted to be...a LUMBERJACK! Jumping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of Antonica....

RadarX: You realize you'd have to wear flannel gear for that right?

Coyote: I'll make a Barbarian toon named Brawnee Mahn.

Coin is now weightless and automatically changes up to the best denominations. No more destroying copper!



RadarX: It's like a magic ATM in my pocket and all my money is invited!

Coyote: How would you tell if you were robbed? Can you still throw money in wishing wells or does it just float away?

RadarX: But where does the copper go? Does SOE have some virtual jar somewhere saving up for a pony?

Coyote: Pulls that fraction of a copper out and puts it in a guild account somewhere. They did it in Superman III - underated movie really.

Ctrl-click an item link or icon to preview equipment, mounts, furniture, and more in the Dressing Room!



RadarX: I'm fairly pleased with this change although I'll admit playing dressup on the broker is a little creepy. I'm not sure I *want* to buy that armor after you've tried it on.

Coyote: Hidden Cams! Live Feeds! See what REALLY goes on in the dressing room!

RadarX: This is why you got thrown out of the mall.

Coyote: Sir! SIR! You have to leave your loincloth ON if you are trying on pants!

GAMEPLAY

Spells or items with 100% proc rates will no longer trigger on both attacks when using double attack.



RadarX: Sorry Swashy, your bug got fixed. Those parses are going to drop a bit. Long live dual wield!

Coyote: As long as they don't nerf the pimp hat baby, a playa gots ta look good.

RadarX: Have you already forgotten you were banned from the "playa" phrase along with "off the hook," and "gettin' jiggy with it."

Coyote: Fo'Shizzt My Drizzt.

City merchants have noticed the lack of customer demand for "worked" and "shaped" quality in-home crafting stations, and will no longer be keeping these in stock.



RadarX: But how am I going to craft inferior products in my own home now?

Coyote: Outsourcing! What you need is a warehouse full of Halfling children who will work for mere coppers a day!

RadarX: Or...we could have them work on new raid content! *thumbs up*

Coyote: Quick! Somebody get me Kathy Lee's phone number!

Resisted procs and damage shields will no longer play the resist sound.


RadarX: They will now play...hey does anyone really play with sound?

Coyote: Is the "resist sound" a .wav file of a woman slapping me in the face and calling me a pig?

ITEMS

The color tints for the Al'Kabor, Najena, and Wu legendary armor helms were adjusted to match the rest of the set.



RadarX: In an attempt to make Necro/Conjurors, Wizard/Warlocks, and Monk/Bruisers less squisy SOE has decided to remove the target emblem from their heads.

Coyote: Unfortunately, all sets are now baby blue with duckies. But hey, you match!

RadarX: The exception is Necromancers. Their armor is now a pink bunny suit.

Coyote: But it's an EVIL pink bunny suit.

The Resplendant Robe of Battle, Battlerager Hat, Tranquil Stone of Power, Fragment of the Chime, and Thorn Wrapped Bindings should no longer prevent each other from proccing.



RadarX: Which will end the frequent and disturbing bathroom game called "Who's got the longest proc?"

Coyote: So I guess the dev that fixed this was a....PROC-tologist? Eh? EH??? Nothing? Buncha highbrow...

RadarX: Dude...

The snare effect from the Star Darkened Longbow has been replaced with something a bit more appropriate for raiders.



RadarX: It will now proc a direct IM window to the Developer who made the zone.

Coyote: A window that says "Hey, Grabthar, calm the F*** down - it's only a god damn GAME!" pops up?

RadarX: Unfortunately they won't see that because it's underneath the damage resisted per second window in the Raidzorz UI mode.

HOUSING

Guilds members level 30 and above can now purchase housing in Neriak and Kelethin for a reduced coin cost using status.



RadarX: Status is on the high end houses in the big cities, so hopefully this will quiet the people who believe their home is some sort of status symbol knowing full well the only person that has been in there was lost.

Coyote: Lovely home! No no! You need MORE crap that lags me as I come in because you've been begging me to see how cool your house is! Let me add some more RAM just so I can see your cleverly named cat collection you stupid son of a...

RadarX: Aren't YOU the guy who has the cat collection?

Coyote: ....they understand me...and never judge.

ZONES

Antonica - Citizens of Neriak and Freeport will now evac close to the Thundering Steppes on PvE servers



RadarX: I still miss evacing in front of guards. Thank god I thought I was...*stab*

Coyote: And by "close" to the Thundering Steppes, we mean Bonemire. Enjoy.

RadarX: Any by Citizens of Neriak we mean just Dark Elves.

Coyote: And by "Just Dark Elves" we mean anyone with a name that is any form of Drizzt.

Commonlands - Commonlands should be more playable to people poking their heads out of Freeport and Darklight.



RadarX: The PvP server will continue to play "Whack 'em" by smacking new players in the head with a foam covered mallet as they leave the zones. I'm honestly not sure what they really are changing here, more low level content near the exits?

Coyote: They gave the Elephants swords....god help us all.

RadarX: That's something I never figured out in Commonlands. Why are Elephants so angry?

Coyote: And why give them SWORDS if they are?!

Greater Faydark - A rare "?" collectable in Greater Faydark that was previously incorrectly reporting that characters were out of range can now be harvested.



RadarX: The Developer who was standing in the zone holding it just out of reach as players jumped at it has not been identified.

Coyote: So a random shiny somewhere in the zone has been fixed. And there was much rejoicing.

RadarX: Only because the new shiny is part of a collection quest to open up a new raid zone.

Neriak - The Teir'Dal customers in Neriak Down Under are now much, much, less vocal!



RadarX: Apparently the Queen didn't find their chatter very appealing either...

Coyote: Hehe. They all have those scary voice box things. "Brrraaarrttzz My life for the MmMmm Queen. Brraarrttz".

RadarX: Don't you sing that "You Don't Always Die from Tobacco" song....I know you are thinking it. I'm really glad they found this though, I have to admit the chatter level was a little mind numbing in some places.

Coyote: Brrraaazzzt.. And you won't sing worth a HECK with a big hole in your NECK...

Sinking Sands - Roots are now slightly more common than dens and shrubs in the Sinking Sands. There are also slightly more roots, shrubs, and dens to be found in some areas.



RadarX: Thank goodness! Tier 6 harvesting is by far one of the most painful things regarding tradeskilling in my mind.

Coyote: This patch note couldn't be more boring if it was read by Ben Stein. Beuller...Beuller...Beuller..

RadarX: No! Don't you see this means we will find more harvesting nodes of roots and nodes and...wow I need to go outside more.

Coyote: Yay! More stuff to run blindly by when I'm off having FUN!

Willowwood - Innkeeper Yeoni in Willowwood has stepped out from her desk to prevent trapping people leaving their inn rooms.



RadarX: See what happens if you don't pay your rent?

Coyote: So you can check in to the hotel..but then you never leave. What's her last name? Bates?

RadarX: Come play with us Stewie...

Coyote: Why does my inn room say "1408"?

QUESTS

The quest "Remembrances - Tel'riia'mil'an'ane'ie" in Obelisk of Lost Souls will now ask for any evil eye instead of "paroxysmal oberserver".



RadarX: I'm stuck on that one word and how to pronounce it...

Coyote: Te'riia'mil'an'ane'ie is actually Elven for "you probably just misspelled this".

RadarX: It's like a word jumble...without the word part.

Coyote: I bet they never find novelty coffee mugs with their names on it.

TRADESKILLS

An intrepid band of single-minded interior decorators has returned from an exploration of Stormhold and vicinity, bringing more furnishing ideas to the cities of Norrath.



RadarX: Some designs include an Iron Maiden, a bed of nails, and a statue of a lich. Stormhold? Was the furniture that nice in there?

Coyote: How crappy is YOUR furniture when 500 year old must covered moldy chairs and broken beds are better? No wonder that inn keeper is keeping you from leaving. Everytime you open the door you let the stank out.

RadarX: Designs can be found in the new "Dungeon" section of Rooms-To-Go.

Coyote: Put them in the Ikea Maiden.

Continued efforts by confectionary-savvy cooks, has led to the discovery that you can dip many fruits in chocolate! Not to be outdone, bakers have started to make a variety of flavored cheesecakes! You may find that your favorite fruit has been used to make one of these delightful treats.



RadarX: *laughs* Cooks just figured out fruit can be dipped in chocolate... This is a nice return and I know Niami DenMother is extremely happy to see chocolate back in the game.

Coyote: This just in from the Raiders! "Can you Raid the chocolate?" "No." "Then F*** you. F*** you and F*** Willy Wonka.

RadarX: They are just mad because they can't yell the chocolate. Aha! I said that joke was too old a few weeks ago and I just used it. What do you mean it wasn't funny?

Coyote: Wow...

It should now be easier to tell which carpenter-made lights actually give off light by examining the items.



RadarX: There are lights...that don't give off light?

Coyote: It's a FLASHDARK! You use it when you need to see in the light, but it's just too ..light!

RadarX: It's like having a grey colored glow stick...

It should now be easier to visually identify harvested loam from different level ranges. The common and rare loam within a level range now share the same icon, but it is a different color from loam in all other ranges.



RadarX: Good because I have to be honest, it all looked like cocaine to me. I always envision Alchemists sitting around like Al Paccino in Scarface.

Coyote: The ORIGINAL loam is eggshell white. This loam is more of a taupe. And the rare? We're going with almond creme white! See? isn't this easier?

RadarX: Queer Eye for the loam guy.

Coyote: What do you mean you can't tell them apart?!?

AMMUNITION

Tenderwood Arrows bonus to accuracy, damage, and range reduced.

RadarX: I'm not sure there is really a way to spin this other than a big fat nerf.

Coyote: I'll take "Things that make the Rangers cry so we want to punch them in the mouth" for 200 Alex.

RadarX: Since most of their CA's don't even consume arrows, whining should be minimal.

Coyote: If you believe that I have some nice waterfront property in the Peatbog that you might interested in.

UI

Harvests used for imbuing should no longer trigger the message and sound used for true rare harvests.



RadarX: Great! No more... "OMG I got a...lambent stone? Dammit!"

Coyote: "Bling! You've got...crap."

RadarX: That's all the time we got! Thanks for reading everyone!