Coyotee's Guide to Racial Abilities

EQ2 Humor by Coyote

As you may know with the EverQuest II expansion "Rise of Kunark" came changes to our world. A new and undiscovered race, exciting abilities, and most surprising of all...

Racial Abilities.

That's right - you now get an ability that is unique to your individual race that not only helps you define who you are, but gives you a sense of purpose and sets you apart in more than just appearance.

For example, we Kerrans have gained the racial ability that allows us a sudden burst of unbelievable speed that helps us surprise our prey, or assists us in avoiding a tougher predator. It is fitting to the majesty of our race and is a monument to our speed and grace.

And you other races get these abilities as well. The problem is, since I don't PLAY the "lesser" races, I have no clue as to what your traits actually are.

HOWEVER, using my superior intellect and almost supernatural deductive abilities, I am certain that I am able to surmise from what I know of you lesser races, exactly what your Racial Abilities will be.

Shall we?

"Uncle Coyote's Guide to Racial Abilities for the LESSER Races"

Dark Elf - Racial Ability: Healing Cuts - How it works: Whenever the little mop-haired Emo Dark Elves decide that life is too much like a "dead tree standing alone on a hill of sorrow" they get to cutting themselves. Most of them wear long sleeves because their arms are so scarred from self inflicted scratch marks that they look like they were thumb wrestling Freddy Krueger. "Healing Cuts" allows them to unmarr the flesh of their forearms giving them a fresh canvas in which to paint their pain with a razor as Linkin Park blares loudly in the background.

Human - Racial Ability: None. How it works: You don't get one. That's right, you get SQUAT pal. Who the HELL plays a human? Middle of the road, nothing special, and whiter than Wonder bread in a blizzard, if you play a human you are probably and accountant named Ted. So just like in D&D, you get nothing. No infravision, no extra saving throws or strength bonuses. YOU drank the fizzy lifting drink, now the chamber walls have to be cleaned and sterilized so you get NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR!

Wood Elf - Racial Ability: Clear Room. How it works: Just walk into one. You spend all day in the forest hugging on trees and running with the wolves, so let's face it;

You smell like that weird jelly that pools at the bottom of old ham.

We get it Hippy. You love the animals. You love nature, you love the ecosystem - that doesn't mean that you have to carry it around in your loincloth Grizzly Adams. So your racial ability is being dirty.

Enjoy.

Dwarf - Racial Ability: Indecipherable Language. How it works: You open your fuzzy yapper. Hey, Cousin It - try enunciating your words once in a while. Do you know what is harder to understand than a really bad Scottish accent? A really bad Scottish accent muffled by three feet of lip hair, a half chewed chicken wing and nine gallons of cheap booze. By the time the word actually fights its way out of your pie hole, it is so badly chewed and garbled that any hope of translation is as lost as any hope for your personal hygiene.

Oh. And guess what? There are no Scots in Norrath....you fuzzy little whack jobs.

Halfling - Racial Ability: Swift Kick to the JumJums. How it works: You come near me. Hey Frodo, Lord of the Rings Online is THAT way. I'll call you a cab.

Ogre - Racial Ability: Steroids. How it works: When activated the Ogre receives a burst of strength that allows him to do amazing feats like "repeated lift a bar full of weights" and "flex in front of a mirror while wearing bicycle shorts".
Steroids make the already mammoth Ogre even bigger, more muscular and a force to be reckoned with in combat! However, as a side effect his long sword has been exchanged with a dagger and can never be switched back. But hey, at least you've got muscles! Right?

Ratonga - Racial Ability: Butter Garlic Sauce. How it works: Bake on 350 for 45 minutes or until golden brown.

Iksar - Racial Ability: Enuck-Chuck. How it works: When activated in the Village of Shin the Iksar instantly grows to 50 feet in height and gains the ability to shoot fire from his mouth. Bonus XP for any stomping the village and ending the life of any villager with a clever, clever name like "Wai Mi" and "Hu Mi". Just watch out for the pigs - I've got 50 silver riding on Chomper.

Half Elf - Racial Ability: Fireworks and Sirens - How it works: Piercings, Mohawks, broody stares - never have silence and the mysterious rebel shouted "notice me, please god notice me" any louder. Half Elves just want your attention, and this is what their racial ability does. When activated dozens of fireworks go off above them and a loud siren sounds somewhere to their left, forcing you to look in their direction so that they can glare darkly back at you and reassure you that they don't NEED your approval or notice. They just want to be left alone. In a crowd, where people will constantly ask them if they are alright.

Fae - Racial Ability: Pixie Dust. How it works: Whenever you jump, glide, or soar majestically through the air you'll leave a sparkling pink cloud of concentrated joy behind you. No matter where you are, people will know where you've been because of the misty haze of happiness and love you leave behind with every laughing step.

Okay. We exaggerated a bit. You just fart glitter.

Froglok - Racial Ability: Warty Fingers. How it works: I'm not sure, but I think it involves peeing on people's hands, which is just gross. My mother used to yell at me all the time when I was a kid about picking up frogs, because if you peed on my hands I'd get warts. Now that I'm older, I realize that this isn't true - or at least, probably isn't.

I don't want to know, to be honest.

I mean, if it doesn't - great, myth busted. Yay. If it does, myth confirmed and people have warts. Either way, you have to get pee on your hands and that's flat out nasty.

Unless yer into that sort of thing...and since yer a weird little frog person, you probably are. Yuck.

Dark Fae - Racial Ability: Wait. Aren't you just a Fairy? What makes you any different? Your city? Your hair? I don't think so. You are glittery and anime looking with bug eyes and wings - now I have to call you by a new name that I can't even spell because you have a comb-over? I don't think so. You can fart glitter, or you get nothing - either way? This is me not caring.

Gnome - Racial Ability: Cow Bell. How it Works: A passive spell always active, "Cow bell" causes the Gnome to jingle and ring out with each and every step. This allows the other "real sized" races to know where they are at all times so that we're not always startled by and tripping over you tiny little freaks of nature every time we turn around. I don't want to break my neck because I was trying to avoid stomping on "CoggleBoggle Whizgeartallywhacker". And let's be honest, while Gnomes are nice, you gotta have more Cow Bell.

Erudite - Racial Ability: Ocular Shadowing. How it works: They're called SUNGLASSES crazy eyes, go pick yourself up a pair. Halloween has come and gone and yet you still have the creepy Hot Topic contact lenses in and it is beginning to freak me out. Nobody wants to talk to you because they're afraid you'll catch them staring at your swirling orbs. We can't tell who you are talking to when yer yapping, and it is weirding us out. So this ability makes you slap on a pair of Ray-Bans and quit with the stalker eyes. Now if you'll pick a skin color that doesn't come out of a fresh grave, we'll let you in the group.

Barbarian - Racial Ability: Mem Blur. How it works: You bounce up and down excitedly. Seriously, Barbarian chicks are build like an ninth grader's first "weird dream" after a night of watching Cinemax After Dark. Activating this ability will instantly stun and mez any male (and some females, which if I might say, giggity) with in line of sight. The effects last as long as you keep doing the "Yawn" emote and have been known to wipe entire raids because, just....damn.

Sarnak - Racial Ability: Getting your freak on. How it works: You obviously already know, because the expansion has been alive two days now and there are by my count - six hundred MILLION of you Land of the Lost rejects sleestaking your way across Norrath. This is EverQuest II not Arkansas circa 1947, and every date doesn't have to end with another kid springing from your loins so that the crops get "tended" to. Fake a headache for Marr's sake. Yeesh.

High Elf - Racial Ability: Stick Removal - How it works: Being better than everyone else isn't as easy as it looks. Sooner or later that tree limb you have shoved up your backside starts itching and you just want to sit down. Problem is, sitting makes you shorter which makes it almost impossible to look down on people. Stick Removal allows them temporary relief and the ability to bend at the waist - which is impossible when their "high morals and standards" are firmly in place.

Just..ya know. Don't touch it. Ever.

Troll - Racial Ability: Regeneration. How it works: When activated you generated hit points and recover damage at an amazing rate, because everyone knows - trolls heal FAST.

The only downside?

Yer still frigging UGLY. Maybe you can trade your racial ability in for a brown paper bag and a cave to hide your shame in. Oh, I'm sure you've got a lovely personality and that you have a heart of gold - but you kinda have to. Ugly people can't afford to be mean, because then we'd just like huck rocks at them and stuff.

~End~