Expansion Blues

EQ2 Humor by Coyote

The number three graces an old white movie screen as a large cat man smiles slightly and nods a welcome to the camera.

"Rise of Kunark. A ground breaking and epic change to our world if ever there was one. But are all of these changes for the better?" The Kerran asks as he slowly sits in a plush viewing chair and reaches for a remote control device.

"Zones forgotten, quest frustration, even odd glitches and bugs that are to be expected with any improvements haunt us not only as players, but as inhabitants to this ever changing world. So join us as we bring you yet another episode of The Lost Files: Scenes you never knew you never knew." He grins as he presses a button on the remote causing the number three to flicker before counting down to..

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A large cat man stomps furiously on what appears to be a brightly colored bird causing a storm of feathers and plumage to rain around them.

"You like that? YOU LIKE THAT? I'VE GOT YOUR GOD DAMN CRACKERS RIGHT HERE YOU LITTLE MONSTER!" The angry Kerran roars as he throws fistfuls of crumbled snacks at the helpless parrot.

"OoOooh, you don't like garlic! You don't LIKE Cheese! What about BOOT? EH? HOW'S YOUR BOOT FLAVORED CRACKERS YOU PICKY LITTLE BASTARD!" He howls as he kicks repeatedly at the bird's now still form.

Breathing heavily the Kerran turns a fierce eye to the camera and points with a cracker coated finger.

"Turn it off!" He growls as he makes a fist.

"No witnesses. Turn it OFF!" He demands as the camera cuts to static.

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Two human warriors watch in wide eyed amazement as a giant tentacle monster snakes its way through a crowd of its worshippers deep within the sunken city of Chelsith.

"Is that...a.." The first of the humans asks his companion, neither men turning away from the creature as it writhes behind a large force field containing it.

"Yeah...kinda..kinda looks like." The second man nods, finishing the first's thought as they simply stare in awe.

"Heh. Tentacles. I'm guessing the Dev's like them some anime eh?" The first man chuckles as he elbows his partner playfully.

"Dude. Have you ever SEEN what those anime tentacles DO to people?" The second asks, turning to face his friend as his eyes open even wider.

"Hehe..huh? Oh. OH! Um...Yeah. We should go. Like, NOW." The first warrior says as he bends quickly and picks up his gear.

"Totally." The second agrees as both men gather their belongings and make a hasty exit.

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A sokokar dragon lays panting on its side as a large Barbarian man carefully dismounts to the shocked amazement of his companions.

"Dude. WHAT were you just doing to that dragon?" An Elven Ranger asks as he points to the beast that still sits on its side.

"Huh?" The Barbarian asks in confusion as he looks over at the toppled dragon and then back at his confused friend. "What? The graphic glitch that makes you sit on it sideways?" The big man inquires as he looks back over at the sokokar.

"Uh...huh." The Elf says incredulously as he takes a step back, his eyes still focusing on dragon.

Sighing and rolling his eyes the Barbarian looks around before frowning slightly.

"Crap. Wrong post. We have to fly to another spot." The big man informs the Elf who shakes his head in protest and starts to walk away.

"Uh...no. I'll walk. Thanks." The Elven Ranger chuckles as he starts to move down the path leaving the Barbarian alone.

"IT'S A GRAPHICS GLITCH DAMN IT!" The warrior calls after his friend angrily as the Elf's figure gets smaller in the distance.

"Stupid patch." He grumbles as he moves back towards the dragon.

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"KILL ME!!" A Gnoll screams excitedly as he throws himself at a party of adventurers deep within a forgotten chamber.

Quickly dispatching the charging dog man the small group of fighters barely have time to exchange confused glances as another Gnoll bursts through the cave's entrance and happily rushes the party.

"ADVENTURERS! KILL ME! Yes! YES! Like THAT! GOD YES LIKE THAT!" The monster howls in sheer pleasure as he all but impales himself on a Paladin's sword.

Shaking the still twitching corpse from his weapon, the holy warrior steps back in alarm and turns to his group mates.

"What..the hell..is.." He starts, but is quickly cut off as dozens of gnolls rush into the cave, each one howling in excitement and anticipation of their grizzly death.

"So..long..it's been so long.."

"It rubs the battle axe on my skin! It does this when it is told!"

"HARDER! Hit me HARDER! Whose my Daddy? YOU'RE MY DADDY!"

Dozens of the creatures are slain, each singing his perverted delight at death as they litter the floor of the cavern in a gruesome carpet of broken bodies and blood. As the very last of the creatures falls dying to the floor and cooing in ecstasy, a black armored rogue steps forward and shakes his head in disgust.

"Man..I knew no one was coming to Splitpaw anymore but this is just frigging creepy." The Scout announces as he prods a dying gnoll with the toe of his boot.

"..h..harder...kick..me...h..harder.." The gnoll hisses as it slowly dies.

"You know what? Lets just go to RoK." The Paladin says as they head out, the group echoing its agreement.

~End~