EVE Online at Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMOG Gamers to the Next Level!

In the immediate aftermath of our disbanding the Band of Brothers (BoB) alliance and the subsequent hellpurge of their former territory, two things occurred. First, my alliance (Goonswarm), my dear friend Haargoth Agamar (also of Goonswarm, nee BoB), and I (a humble fuzzy mitten) were labeled the worst sort of sociopaths found on the internet. Second, I was offered a weekly column here at Ten Ton Hammer. Apparently, reading of the lurid misdeeds of madmen and sinners is almost more fun than the sanctimonious condemnation of said ne'er do-wells. So this is my goal: To convey to the reader an overview of amusing idiocies, hijinks, sting operations, scams, heists, and hilarity that is often only hinted at in the mainstream of EVE Online gameplay, and to tell the tales only known to a hidden few - for posterity's sake or for propaganda, take your pick.
 

The Goonswarm ultimately were responsible for the disbanding of the Band of Brothers.

Let us begin with Titans, the ridiculously expensive and massive ships which once could only be fielded by the largest alliances. So many EVE tales begin with Titans, not merely because of their strategic and military value, but because of their flat-out cost; a well-fit Titan runs around 80-90 billion isk, which amounts to approximately six thousand US dollars. This fact tends to make people who have not played EVE pay attention. When you're fighting an internet spaceship war, it's one thing; but when fighting an internet spaceship war with ships worth as much as a high-end computer, a used automobile, or 25% of Iceland's current GDP, suddenly the discussion becomes serious and one's perspective shifts. Massive wars have been fought over the fate of a single Titan. I'm proud to say that Goonswarm has killed a number of them, and annihilated even more in the 'womb' of their Assembly Arrays before they finished construction (constructing one is a process which takes months, during which they are vulnerable). This pride stems not from some sort of martial honor (of which I have none), but because I hate Titans. They are, in my estimation, extremely silly ships. As Oveur, the lead designer of EVE Online, once said: "Titans were never meant to be cost effective... it's a huge dick." The only valuable byproduct of Titans in EVE is it makes people howl and tear out their hair when you destroy one. That's the fun bit.
 
Innumerable columns have already been written about Titan kills. Since their introduction, Titans have gone from being objects of awe to being commonplace, if still fiendishly expensive. Periodically, some Titan pilot will screw up, send his Titan into an area of space that is vulnerable, and some jerk drops a capital fleet on top of said Titan and blows it up. Whoosh, six thousand bucks down the drain, with all the attendant humiliation, rationalization, and forum chest-beating that follows. In the majority of cases, the Titan being blown up is piloted by dear old Sir Molle, the former alliance leader of Band of Brothers. In addition to having his alliance disbanded, he has a habit of losing Avatar-class Titans. If they're foolish enough to give that man a fifth Avatar, I expect it to last approximately a week. For those keeping track, that's $24,000 wasted by one man to date and that total is rising. To be contrarian, this column is about how not to kill a Titan, a tale of snatching defeat from the jaws of certain, absolute victory.