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Welcome, dahlings, to our first installment of your soon to be favorite feature….Queer Eye for the Superhero Guy! As always, I am Ronaldo, your humble fashion czar and arbiter of good taste in the superhero world! We’ll take a look at some hits, and lots of misses, of various costumes worn by our well-toned heroes. Naturally, you’ll have the benefit of my sharp eye (and even sharper wit!) as we peruse the following wares. Well, enough chit-chat, dahlings, let’s get on with it!

We start with the Green Revenger. Just looking at his costume makes me desire revenge upon his tailor! Ugh! Where to start? First, that hideous shade of green had to been chosen to drive his opponents mad or to gouge out their own eyeballs. Plus, frat boy shorts with boots as a costume? The only thing this costume shouts is that it was bought at Hot Topic, with a side trip to a scuba shop for that ridiculous face gear. Rumor has it that the Green Revenger lost his arms in a mob hit, but I think that they tore themselves out of their sockets and crawled away to die somewhere after seeing this monstrosity of a costume.

Next up is the Blue Bison. Forgive me, dahlings, but I’m forced to look away for a minute until the bile goes back down. That’s better. This costume looks like a hideous experiment gone wrong. Why would somebody cross a bison with a rodeo clown with a splash of Dali-esque weirdness? First, the clown face has to go. When I look at that face, I don’t expect a hero’s thunderous attack. Instead, I assume that I’m going to get a pie thrown at me. The crotch piece I like (but who wouldn’t, dahling?), but the colors are too vibrant and they clash. If the Blue Bison would have settled on one or two colors, this scheme could look a lot better. I would lose the bow tie. Even I think that it’s a little too much, dahling. However, if the bow tie spun while the Bison was charging, then that would be hilarious. The matching toenails are a nice touch though.

Oh…dear…Lord. It is not often, that Ronaldo is struck silent by an outfit, but this is, indeed, one of those rare moments. This nightmare looks like Barney the dinosaur and Grimace had a hideous love child that was not meant to be. The heroine (whose name is being withheld in hopes that she’ll accept my offer of a free makeover) takes purple to the extreme. I cannot see anything positive in this costume. The shoulder rings….hideous! The mask with the two discs on it is uglier than last year’s bohemian chic. The purple and yellow boots should be burned. They shouldn’t even be given to Goodwill. Homeless people would be better off barefoot than to wear those abominations! Look up Fashion Emergency in the dictionary, and you’ll see this costume. Shameful, dahlings. Simply shameful.

Here we see costume of Toro Maximus, the heroic wanderer from Dimension X. Too bad he didn’t leave that outfit there! Flared collars are so last year, dahlings. Plus, if you had the cojones to wear a flared collar, you need a cape to complete the look. Do you see a cape? Plus, he’s sporting a mohawk on top of his head. Those went out in the 1980s with Mad Max films. The skull belt isn’t bad, but it doesn’t go with the rest of the outfit. If he wore a lot of brooding black, with some chains or spikes thrown in, the belt could have worked. Another miss is the giant shoulder pads. Hello, your Space Marine commander called and he wants his shoulder pads back!

Enough! Renaldo cannot take any more bad costumes. Brilliant fashionista I may be, but I’m only human. There’s only so much bad taste that I can take, dahlings. Renaldo lives on beauty, not crassness. Let us look at some heroes that have pulled a great look together.

Now this is a costume, dahlings. Renaldo’s favorite hero, The Package, shows his stuff to the tenth degree. First, a simple two tone color arrangement. Black and red are extremely complementary and look sharp during both daytime and nighttime patrols. This look, while slightly brooding, exudes strength and power. Notice how everything is carefully chosen to represent a fighting man at the pinnacle of his strength. The closed in helmet, the softly burnished shoulder pads (not too big, but not too small), the samurai style armor protecting the strong thighs of a hero, and boots made for stomping. Notice how the belt of skulls works in this costume as opposed to Toro Maximus. This costume isn’t garish, but understated and confident. Confidence is sexy, is it not?

Another great costume, dahlings. This costume, worn by the Crimson Siren, relies heavily upon a single color with subtle shadings of the basic color. The Crimson Siren has chosen a dark red as her base color, and then used lighter and darker shades of that red, with a touch of black, to accentuate the primary color. The one piece tunic is extremely flattering (if you’re into the hourglass shape) and allows for freedom of movement. What really makes this costume pop are the red boots and hose. The hosiery really draws your eye to Crimson’s Siren’s incredibly long legs. The hood adds a playful touch of mystery to the ensemble. Less is sometimes more. Don’t clutter up a costume if you don’t need to do so. This costume is basic, but extremely well done.

Well, that’s all the time we have for today for Queer Eye for the Superhero Guy, dahlings. Hopefully, by examining some costumes, some good and some bad, you’ll have a better grasp of fashion when the time comes for you to don the mantle of righteousness. If you need any help, look me up in the yellow pages, dahlings. I’ll make sure that you’ll strike delight in the hearts of fashion editors worldwide even as you strike fear into the hearts of criminals. Remember, spandex is a privilege, not a right!