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I don't travel well. That's a massive understatement. Let me paint a picture for you if I could. When it comes to trips like the one I'm on right now to the Game Developers Conference, I am much like a monkey with a shotgun, potentially funny, but dangerous.

On every trip to the U.S. in which I have mentioned TenTonHammer.com as my employer I have been grilled, sometimes almost literally, as to where I'm going and what I might be doing when I arrived at said destination. My trip to E3 last year was as bad as it could get, or so I thought as I sat in the Greater Toronto Airport Authoritie's rendition of Guantanamo Bay amidst a sea of bearded, praying men, some of which wore "U.S.A. is the great Satan" T-shirts. For the record I do not have a beard and I do not pray. My T-shirts state, "I'm not a geek. I'm a level 12 paladin."

My trip to the Left Coast started like every other trip, early. The 5:00am wake-up call seemed like a good idea at the time and in restrospect it probably was, had it actually taken place. They didn't call, but no biggie I had institued Plan B and set the alarm, which went off on "ringer" at a tone that apparently only dogs and bats can hear. At 5:15 I happened to wake up to the sound of car alarms, as I had done every 30 minutes throughout the night. Everything happens for a reason, or so somebody said, once upon a time in a land the fates hadn't abandoned.

Bim, bang, boom...I'm showered and packed and ready to drop my truck off at the Park 'N Fly next to the airport hotel. I ask the desk clerk on the way out the door if I need a code to exit the lot, to which he nods in the negative and gives me look like I must be a raving lunatic. A code...imagine needing a code to exit a parking lot. Who on the planet would need a code? Imagine my surprise when I found out that I, me of all people, required a code when I got to the gate to exit the lot. It's cold in Toronto at 5:30 am in the middle of winter and the only option is to hike what seems like a mile uphill back to the hotel entrace to get...a...code. I partake in the trek back to the hotel desk; a trek that Sir Edmund Hillary himself wouldn't have dared, all to obtain the holy code of egress. Code in my hand I hike back down from the summit and drive away from Hotel California.

The worst must be behind me I think, trudging up to the U.S. customs official at the airport. Remember when Wile E. Coyote looked at the sheep and all he could see were lambchops? The customs guy was Wile. I was a sheep. Only in this case, Wile E. Coyote had the power of the U.S. of Acme on his side.

Why would a Canadian come to the U.S. and write about an American game conference? Why would a Canadian that is working for a U.S. company come to American and write anything? Aren't there Americans who should be doing your job? (I dunno, but they can have it if they want it) The customs agent took my passport, my documentation, my will to live, and stuffed it all into a HUGE, neon yellow pouch before pointing to a grey door with human scratch marks on it.

"Enter there. They will look after it", he said.

Unable to contain my glee I skipped right over to "the door" marked "Secondary Security" and waltzed inside. I was finger printed. My picture was taken. My mother's fidelity was called into question. My career choice was debated and derided, mostly by me.

"Mah kids play way too many of them there video games. I thinks it makes 'em violent and 'gressive", droned the customs agent as he continually pulled at his ear in some sort of code that I never deciphered.

"You should call a man by the name of Jack Thompson", I replied. "He is responsible for the violence in video games. Here, let me give you his e-mail address. Give him Hell!"

45, that's "Four-Tee-Five" minutes later it was decided that I wasn't a threat to the American way of life and I was allowed entry.

A mother with a six-month old baby sat beside me on the plane. I wept. Not really, but inside I broke a little. I love kids. I have kids, but a six-hour flight isn't the place for a six-month old baby. Then she started breast-feeding. Awkward.

In the end, I'm here and half expect to see Karl Malden or Michael Douglas come roaring out of the Streets of San Francisco to arrest me. They could try I suppose, but I've played enough Project Gotham that I could probably get away. I have yet to find the huge glowing red arrows at the intersections, but I'm sure they are here someplace.

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Exclusive TenTonHammer.com Content!

03.05.2007

Wiki Updates
"The Ten Ton Hammer Wiki has been upgraded once again. We've added a page for the upcoming Firefly MMO, updated and added a large selection to the DAoC Wiki, updated our release calendar dates, and have added a place for the newly announced Warhammer 40K MMO." Dungeons and Dragons Online: Dev Diary - Creating A Dragon
"Turbines own DDO Art Director, Todd Demelle brings us his comments on how the dragons for Module 4: Reavers Bane were created! Exclusive here at the Ten Ton Hammer Community!" Dungeons and Dragons Online: The Depths Of Discord
"You must again venture beneath House Deneith to bring the end of Landslide, a ferocious earth elemental who the dungeon denizens worship like a god. Darkgolem guides you threw the monster infested sewers to kill this tribal "diety" in the third of the "Depths" series of quest, Depths of Discord!" EverQuest 2: Kaladim - The Great Fallen Fortress
"The city of Kaladim was one of the most beautiful and grand of all of the old cities of Norrath. During the last 500 years, spectacular changes have take place in our world, and Kaladim was not left untouched. Take a look back with Savanja at what Kaladim used to be, and what it has become, through the tale of lore." EverQuest 2: Unrest Housing
"We all know about the Estate of Unrest, and the haunted mansion and the horror within. Do you know that Unrest also has player housing? Well, now you do. Coyote brings us an article on it for EQ2 TenTonHammer and we are the FIRST to bring you this little tidbit of information." EverQuest 2: Qeynos City Writs 60-70
"Looking to level up your guild and unlock amazing new items to purchase? Maybe your guild keeps making you buy signets for raids and you need a little status boost. Ten Ton Hammer has your guide to the level 60-70 Qeynosian writs." Lord of the Rings Online: Apprentice Tailor Guide
"LotroSource's Crafting Guide section has been updated to include the Apprentice Tailor profession!" Tabula Rasa: Benefactor Project Contest
"In an unprecedented move, the researchers at the Benefactor Stone Project (BSP) have turned to you, the general populace, to assist them in decoding an unearthed alien tablet known as "The Benefactor Stone". More and more stones keep getting unearthed, so there's a pressing need to get them translated." Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Attribute Charts
"As our class specialists report the most useful attributes for each class, we continue to tweak our tables for each class. The most recent change reflects the value of intelligence for the Rogue." Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Images From Upcoming Update
"Vanguard, as declared by the developers, was a game that was released in an unrefined state with many things excluded from the final version. The developers promised additional content in the weeks to come, and they have followed through! A new update is coming on March 6th. In anticipation, they've provided us with a set of new screenshots from the new areas. Some of the pictures include images of a swamp dragon, new shots of Leth Nurae, and other tantalizing pics." Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Psionicist Guide
"The Vanguard: Saga of Heroes psionicist is a mind-bending master of crowd control. Have you got what it takes to play this challenging class? Check out our revamped psionicist guide to get you on your way." Warhammer Online: Zone Overview Ostland
"Following the recent WAR Newsletter, we now have the location of Ostland up in our locations pages. You can read about this next level of Empire zone, and it's inhabitants just by checking out one page." Warhammer Online: Warrior Priest Guide
"For those of you who are devout servants of the God of the Empire, today we have a nice gift for you! A new update to our Warrior Priest Career Overview page; including four new images and official EA Mythic information has been posted." Warhammer Online: Chaos Zealot Guide
"To finish off our Career Guide updates this week, we have some more information on the Chaos Zealot. Along with the official EA Mythic information that was released this month, our guide has been updated with a new concept art image of the Zealot." World of Warcraft Attunement Guide
"Many high level instances require you to "attune" to their entrance in order to enter. These quests can be rather short or so long that you may call them epic. We've put together a guide that explains what attunement is and how to attune yourself to some of the more popular instances! Check back often as we continue to update this list in the future as more instances are explored or added to the game!" World of Warcraft: Bag Guide
"Our guide to bags in WoW has been updated today with several little bits of information that have been changed since the release of the Burning Crusade. Also several small corrections as suggested by our readers." World of Warcraft: Creating A Guild Guide
"A guide to the basics of creating a guild in World of Warcraft. This lists where to go and what you’ll need to begin a guild." World of Warcraft: EverSong Woods Starting Guide
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Real World News - You Can't Make This Up

Computers Kill Dow Jones [Thanks Elizabeth]
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Vin Diesel Fact: Red lights stop for Vin Diesel. [Thanks Pat]

Thanks as always for visiting TenTonHammer.com

- John "Boomjack" Hoskin

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