Blogpocalypse!

Just when he thought he had reached the apex of his career today's guest host was whisked away from the light bulb eating booth of the local circus to perform similar feats of gastrointestinal fortitude on a blog called "Not Funny...Ever."

Credited with the invention of the Chinese squat toilet and the "Urine Trouble" bedwetter alarm system our fearless guest hopes to one day to follow in the footsteps of his idol, Wile E. Coyote.

Please, a warm and fuzzy Loading... welcome for Coyote Sharptongue!

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Why my blog is SO much better than Loading...

Ahhhh...well. Now that the cat is away, it's time for this little mousie to play.

When I was first approached on this and asked "Hey, do you want to write one of Boomjack's blog entries on the week he is off?" my first question was;

"Do I get admin access to his account?"

As you probably guessed, that turned out to be a big fat no. Actually it was more like fifteen minutes of Radar laughing and Ethec asking me if he could score a hit of whatever I was smoking, THEN they told me no.

Aaaand after several more minutes of mocking me and offering me things that they had no intention of actually giving me, (Hey Coyote! After we give you site admin, do you want a magic pony? Maybe some hand grenades? AHahhahahahha!) I was able to ask them my second question.

"Well..what's my topic going to be?"

Huddling together and whispering so that I couldn't hear them asking each other "What will get him fired the quickest?" they turned to me and gave me my assignment.

"Why my blog is SO much better than Loading..."

To which I responded "Cool."

This has actually been weighing on me for some time, and even though they only threw it at me in order to get me fired - I accepted it gracefully because lets face it...

My blog TOTALLY trumps his.

Now I know what you lobotomized "Loading..." fans would be thinking if Boomjack's daily drivel hadn't already turned you into drool vegetables. You'd be thinking;

"Why is your blog better than THIS one?"

I'm glad you asked! See, unlike Loading.. my daily blog, Not Funny..Ever, doesn't bog you down with useless things like "Facts" and "Research" and "Actual Content". While Boomjack posts opinions and brings to light current events and things that are relevant to the gaming community, I focus on what *really* matters.

Boobs and funny pictures.

Anybody with actual talent and ability could give you facts and compelling articles and things that might interest you, but do you know the SKILL and sheer DEDICATION that it takes in order to bring you pictures of midgets wrestling or Wilford Brimley in a thong? I don't give you what you want like Boomjack does, I give you what you need. And like a crack head selling babies on eBay for his next fix, you WANT my blog.

Oh, you don't want to admit it - and I totally understand. It's a loyalty thing. But when Boomjack is fast asleep in his little footie-pajamas with the cut out butt flap, it's MY window you're tapping on for that little guilt-free late-night booty call.

Because you know what you want, you know what you need - and baby, you know where you can get it.

Sure, we all pretend we care about Beta releases and gaming news and other important articles that make us feel more mature, but when no one is looking? You're surfing for porn, googling for naughty bits...and looking for that easy read that doesn't make you think.

And that's where I come in.

You see folks; the blog world here at Ten Ton Hammer is like a lunch lady. She can have the prettiest blue eyes, unwavering and true. Eyes that captivate and hold you, much like Boomjack's blog....

..But if she has a three pound neck mole with a sea of waving hair jutting out from its bumpy black crevices? Guess where you're looking? Oh, you might want to stare at her eyes and capture the depth and soul and untold stories within, but it's the creepy little throat tumor that holds your interest.

I am that goiter.

So when he comes back, and he will come back - you can all rush to him and greet him and tell him how much he was missed. Shower him with love and affection and never ever once admit that you laughed at this.

But I'll be over at my site..waiting for that booty call.

-Coyote
http://coyote.blogs.tentonhammer.com

Exclusive new TenTonHammer.com Content! Let us entertain you or at the very least waste some of your time at work.

10.27.2006 Exclusive Content

EverQuest 2 : Coyote Humor - Kruunk's Guide to Trick or Treat
"In the spirit of Halloween, we've decided to post a guide to Trick or Treating. Sort of. We've given Krunnk a lot of sugar and let him loose in Qeynos...and may the newly returned gods have mercy upon our souls." World of Warcraft : A First Look at Burning Crusade 's Blood Elves & Eversong Woods
"The Blood Elves, perhaps the most anticipated new race of WoW's Jan. 2007 "The Burning Crusade" retail expansion, make their home in an idyllic region known as Eversong Woods, and today Ten Ton Hammer shares our first look at the Blood Elves' starting region - Eversong Woods." World of Warcraft : A Community Member's Take on The Burning Crusade
"In this community interview, Amber 'Aurael' Weldon goes one-on-one with Niltsiar, a level 60 warlock on the Emerald Dream server, to get his thoughts on WoW and the Burning Crusade." Vanguard : Saga of Heroes Poll : Love Stinks?
"Something painful and tragic can happen when you like a game in development, something that will rend your heart into little pieces (and perhaps even put a dent in your wallet). When you care about a game, you risk the stinging cold slap of reality, because there's always a chance that...your chosen game could suck. Have you been burned by an MMO in development? Tell us about it and vote in our poll!" Vanguard : Saga of Heroes - Unicorn Mount Video
"Sony Online Entertainment and Sigil Games Online released another tidbit of Vanguard: Saga of Heroes video goodness today. Download the new unicorn mount video and get another taste of one of the ways your high level character might one day travel around Vanguard's world of Telon." Dungeons & Dragons Online Poll : Least Useful DDO Class
"You ever have to stand in that line in your 5th grade P.E. class, hoping you won't be the last picked for dodge ball? If you've felt that way before, you'll empathize with Ralsu's picks for the 3 least useful classes in DDO. if you were the best at dodge ball, make sure you don't pick the wrong class in DDO and get picked last for groups." Dungeons & Dragons Online : Quest Guide - Tempest's Spine
"Start your weekend off right with our shiny and new DDO Quest Guide! Today's guide tackles the Level 10 quest, Tempest's Spine." Warhammer Online : New Career Page - Greenskin Choppa
"With the release of the latest Warhammer Online Newsletter the last Greenskin career has been announced; the Choppa. As one heck of a close combat damage dealing machine, the Choppa lives up to his name in what he is capable of (killing of course). So we here at TenTonHammer have posted information on this new class for your viewing pleasure." Warhammer Online : New Career Page - Dwarf RunePriest
"Today we see the release of the final Dwarf career; the RunePriest. Capable of dealing with foes in melee, as well as healing friends with their potent runes, the RunePriest seems to be the caster/buff class of the Dwarven arsenal. To honor this new class, we here at TenTonHammer have put up all the information you need to learn about this class." Warhammer Online : New Zone Page - Black Crag
"To go along with all the other releases today, we have a new zone for Warhammer Online; Black Crag. As a central point to the Greenskin campaign, Black Crag will likely be a place of stiff resistance for any forces of Order who want to go through it. Today we give you some of the first looks at this new zone." Vin Diesel Fact of the Day - Vin Diesel caused the First Cause Uncaused.
Now from the real world. You can't make this stuff up. Exxon Quarterly Profit Exceeds GDP of Kuwait, United Arab Emirates
To celebrate, Exxon announces 3 days of free gas. Not. MySpace, FaceBook Lose Members in September
Your 4,000 friends dropped 4% to 3,840, just in time for Christmas card season. Principal Suspends "Captain Underpants" Girls on High School "Superhero Day"
True kids book character vows to free girls from the evil clutches of "Principal Poopypants." South Park to Feature Steve Irwin at Satan's Halloween Party
You bastards. You killed the rest of your show's credibility.

As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com,

-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin and guest host Coyote Sharptongue