Pickle-Weasel

I remember the days when bringing a game home and breaking open the shrinkwrap was a religious experience. I wanted to understand the game mechanics, read the background lore and really get into it. I didn't purchase many games and the ones that made their way into my home I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. I would even go as far as reading the manual and watching those tip screens as the game loaded. Those golden, euphoric days disappeared in the 90s when I joined the gaming industry. I had more games on my desk that I could play, or care to play. I reviewed good games, but more often than not, I reviewed average or downright terrible games. I attribute much of my jadedness to some lousy paint-ball game I was forced to review, or maybe it was the launch experience of Anarchy Online. I can't remember.

When a game arrives on my desk today it barely gets a glance until I need to do some research. 98% of the time I already know more about it than the publisher's public relations department. I can turn the marketing spin into truth. Like Superman I can see through the smoke and mirrors to the reality. I can leap tall buildings. I can wear tights in the privacy of my own home.

Examples of my prowess, you want examples? So be it... I have removed the game names where necessary, replacing them with the term Pickle-Weasel to protect the not-so-innocent.

"Pickle-Weasel was awarded the Most Innovative at E3."

Translates to: This game is so different from the other games out there that very few people will take the time to learn how to play it. Also note, it was awarded "Most Innovative". It could be the Most Innovative game about one-eared, three-legged donkeys with blue eyes. Innovative sounds fancy, but I'll take "best" over innovative any day.

"The upcoming expansion to Pickle-Weasel codenamed Pickle-Weasel expansion will introduce an innovative Advanced Reactive Content System (ARCS), in which the political landscape and physical borders of nation-states within the game can be altered dynamically through the collective outcome of player actions, thus directly controlling the game universe destiny and resulting storyline."

Translates to: The biggest, most powerful guilds will now control the game. Kiss your independence good-bye! Why codename the expansion? Is the name a secret that will ruin the experience for the players? If so, why not just pick another name.

"Pickle-Weasel, developer of the world's leading subscription-free online roleplaying games Pickle-Weasel Wars and Pickle-Weasel Factions, announced today the Pickle-Weasel franchise has sold more than two million units worldwide to date. In further news, sales data from The NPD Group shows Pickle-Weasel Factions as the number one selling PC game in North America for the month of May 2006."

Translates to: We don't include all of those silly Asian games in our "world's leading" numbers. They are just a fad and we heard that some of the players eat dogs, or are dogs. It's one or the other we're sure of it.

"Pickle-Weasel Entertainment, developer and publisher of massively-multiplayer online role-playing games, today released Pickle-Weasel Rising™, the sixth expansion pack for the critically-acclaimed Pickle-Weasel of Camelot(R). The new expansion is available both as a stand alone product via Pickle-Weasels's new integrated digital distribution system and as part of the new Pickle-Weasel of Camelot: Epic Edition available at retail today."

Translates to: We are keeping our game up to date and providing our subscribers with more content. Our "Epic-Edition" is an attempt to get new subscribers by giving them all of the old content in one package, which they will need to complete to play the new content. Unfortuantely, new players don't want to play old games which is why we spending much of our time building a new franchise to take over when this one dies.

I could add more, but I'm tired of writing Pickle-Weasel and I'm strangely hungry.

How do you feel about the spin? Discuss!

Make your mark. Mark your territory. Post a comment. If you are shy you can E-Mail me.

Every good guild needs a home. A home free of gold ads, secondary market farmers. Look no further than GuildPortal.com.

Exclusive new TenTonHammer.com Content!
Let us entertain you or at the very least waste some of your time at work.07.06.2006 Exclusive Content Dungeons and Dragons Online: Wizards - Dominator Build
"Our second Custom Build for Wizard Week here at DDO @ Ten Ton Hammer comes from Lyle Vertigo. The Dominator shows how wizards can take control of any situation. Lyle tells us how to build the Dominator and offers his own witty evaluation of the spells you'll find most useful." EverQuest 2: Game Update 25 - Fashion Hits Norrath
"Game Update 25 is just around the corner, so get on the runway, strike a pose and put on the finest in Norrathian leisurewear. RadarX takes a look at what's to come with this next update." EverQuest 2: Armour Quest Guide - Very Light Armour
"Great experience, and great gear; you really couldn't ask for more in your early to mid levels, and the level 20 armor quests give both of these! We are starting out our series of level 20 armor quests with the very light armor quests for the mages for both Freeport and Qeynos mages. " Vanguard: Saga of Heroes - Weekly Poll - Are You Old School?
"EverQuest just launched its progression server; a server offering a return to the good ol' days of EQ, circa 1999. Why should Vanguard: Saga of Heroes fans care? Because Vanguard is an apple that's falling not far from the EQ family tree. Do you miss the days of naked corpse runs and cross-continent treks? Our weekly poll takes a look at the way it was in EQ, and the way it's gonna be in Vanguard, and then asks the all-important question: are you old school? " Vin Diesel Fact of the Day - Vin Diesel was originally awarded the main part in 24. Unfortunately, he always wiped out all of the terrorists in less than an hour and a show named "1" wasn't considered sellable to advertisers. Now on to the real world. You can't make this stuff up. Tweaking Genes In The Basement [Thanks Matt]
'Weird Science' cult returns to claim Kelly Lebrock. Big Brother - Now With Dangling Genitals [Thanks Matt]
And I thought that being a dick on reality T.V. was the norm. Child's Balloon Travels 2,500 Miles To Iraq [Thanks Matt]
Joins the 101st Airborne Division - Makes them talk funny. Bird Dropping Survive Space Launch [Thanks Matt]
Seagulls claim Guinness record for first graffiti in space. France Advances To Berlin
There's a headline you never thought you'd see. USA Today News Flash! Consumers prefer powered car windows to crank style
In other news, crank style phone calls to USA Today on the rise. Attention Whore N. Korea Warns Against U.N. Sanctions
4 out of 5 exhibitionists believe N. Korea can find a way to be more obnoxious.

As always, thanks for visiting TenTonHammer.com,
-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin