Echoes Of Faydwer: The Failed Interviews.

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

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A large Kerra sits in an easy chair as he sips from a wine glass of milk.
Smiling at the camera he nods a welcome.

“Echoes of Faydwer.” He preludes with a smile. “New zones, new creatures, new
interviews.” The cat man laughs as he finishes off his milk.

“Or so you would think. For every interview that goes right…” He trails
shaking his head. “Oh…oh so many go wrong. Sit back, relax, and share in our
misery as we bring you more of the interviews that didn’t quite make it.” The
Kerran laughs as he points towards a large white screen that begins to count
down from three…

(3)

(2)

 (1)

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this LIVE
exclusive here at the very gates of Castle Mistmoore." A large cat man holding a
microphone looks excitedly into the camera as he turns to a large blond human
standing next to him.

"Standing with me today is famed vampire hunter, and living legend Simon
Belmont." Coyotee introduces as the dashing young human offers a wink to the
camera. "Unable to tolerate the horrific reign of the Vampire Overlord any
longer, Simon has agreed to not only slay the monstrous tyrant, but to do so on
LIVE television. Thank you for coming Mister Belmont." The Reporter nods in
appreciation as he turns his attention fully on the man next to him.

"Thank you for having me Coyote." Simon grins. "The vampires and their
Overlord have repressed the good people of this world long enough! No more will
the peasants cower in fear at the mere mention of his name. I bring hope, and I
bring freedom to those who cannot achieve it on their own." He finishes as he
strikes a manly pose.

"So, what exactly IS your plan Simon?" The Reporter asks with an eager
grin.

Laughing triumphantly, the vampire hunter looks into the camera and smiles,
flashing rows of perfectly white teeth.

"I have already set loose a challenge to the vampire Overlord, calling him
both a monster and a coward." Simon explains to the audience. "I have called him
out, on his own ground, and told him that if he has ANY honor left in his
decaying demonic yellow spine, he'll stop hiding like a woman in his lair deep
with in Castlevania, and fight me LIVE - HERE, for your viewing." He finishes
with a flex.

"You mean Castle Mistmoore." Coyotee corrects with a laugh.

"Noooo. I mean Castlevania." Simon says with a frown, not quite understanding
the laughter.

The two men stare at each other for a long period of time before Coyotee
points towards the large stone steps that pave the way to the vampire
dwelling.

"That's Castle Mistmoore, not Castlevania." The reporter points out as the
blond hero's face falls.

"What? Are you serious? God DAMN it.." Simon Belmont sighs as he puts his
blond head in his hand. "I'm in the wrong game." He says flatly as he picks up
his head in disappointment.

"W..wrong game?" Coyotee asks, not following.

"Yeah. Sorry man, I gotta go." The vampire hunter chuckles slightly. "This is
what I get for using Map quest." He laughs as he turns to walk off camera.

"Wait..wait!" Coyotee calls after him. "What about the vampires and the
Overlord and the repressed villagers who cower in fear?" He asks the exiting
slayer frantically.

"Oh. Yeah, yer boned dude. Sorry." Simon says with a shrug before walking
off.

Coyotee watches him leave in wide-eyed shock before turning back towards the
camera.

"I...I'm not sure exactly.." Coyotee stammers as he looks around in
confusion.

"WHO DARES CHALLENGE THE LORD OF CASTLE MISTMOORE?!" A booming voice calls
out from off camera; it's sheer force causing the recording device to shake.

Sticking out his bottom lip and crying slightly Coyotee breaks down in sobs
as the camera instantly cuts to static.

(3)

 (2)

(1)

"Robotic servants. For years the dream of a robotic assistant who could help
in everyday life was just that. A dream." A large Kerran holding a microphone
stares dramatically into the camera. "But today, that dream has been made a
reality, and this is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news with the
EXCLUSIVE scoop." He grins proudly as the camera pans to a small gnome beside
him.

"Standing with me today is gnomish inventor, and creator of the "Electronic
Automated Task Unit", Mister Spindle Cogspinner." Coyotee introduces as the
camera pans to both the gnome and a large wicked looking robot sitting inactive
beside him.

"Hello Coyote, and hello Norrath!" Spindle laughs as he pats the machine at
his side.

The robot is a mammoth and wicked looking machine. Apart from the large
bladed pincers and whirling saws that make up its "hands", its "mouth" is
comprised mainly of sharp pieces of jagged metal. It simply sits there, as it
lies dormant at its master's side.

"Can you tell us a little bit more about your invention Spindle?" The
Reporter asks with a grin. "He sure is a ..uh.. a dangerous.. looking piece of
equipment." Coyotee adds in less jovial tones as he gets a good look at the
gleaming blades that the E.A.T.U. seems to be made of.

Spindle simply laughs and reassures the reporter with a grin.

"I assure you friend, that while he might not be pretty, the Electronic
Automatic Task Unit is ANYTHING but dangerous!" The gnome chuckles. "He can
cook, he can clean, he can do any chore you can think of - and best of all? HE
NEVER NEEDS FUEL!" The little man says happily into the camera.

Obviously impressed, Coyotee nods his approval and looks again at the
device.

"Never needs fuel? That's...well..that's amazing! Tell us how it works!" The
reporter demands with renewed excitement.

"Easy Coyotee! And glad you asked!" Spindle grins as he turns towards his
robot. "The E.A.T.U. is fully automated, and gathers its own fuel source!" He
explains. "Upon sensing a fuel supply nearby, the unit will activate
automatically, and harvest and gather the fuel - processing it for its own
power! You never have to worry about it losing energy, because it feeds itself!"
The gnome grins in pride.

"AMAZING!" The Reporter admits with a shake of his head. "And what does it
use for fuel?" He asks as he marvels over the device.

"Well...we found that fresh organic matter works best." Spindle says
seriously. "There were some tests, but we found out that the still living flesh
of any creature, regardless of species or race fuels it quite well." He nods as
Coyotee's smile falters considerably.

"Wait." The reporter demands. "Are you telling me that you made flesh eating
robots that self activate in the presence of living tissue so that they can feed
themselves?" Coyotee asks in disbelief.

"Exactly." Spindle says with a grin.

"But..um..*WE* are living flesh." Coyotee points out as the gnome's face
falls.

A whirl of gears and the grinding of metal cause both reporter and creator to
turn slowly towards the now active robot who's eyes glow with an eerie red
light.

"Oh..dear." Spindle says as he pulls out a tablet of paper and begins writing
down calculations at amazing speeds.

"F..figuring out how to stop it?" Coyotee asks hopefully as the machine turns
towards the two men, its eyes focusing on them with red laser dots.

"Last will and testament." Spindle says quickly as the machine lurches
forward, plowing into both men and knocking over the camera, which fades
mercifully to black as the screaming begins.

(3)

(2)

(1)

The camera pans to Coyote talking to a large Vultek warrior. The vulture man
hops around excitedly as it takes in the reporter.

"Now, for this interview you are going to have to fill out some standard
release form and promo agreements. Is this okay?" Coyotee asks as the Vultek
hops around him in small circles.

"GELFLING!" The vulture man screeches as he turns towards the Kerran
reporter.

"Um...no. No. Kerra. I'm not a gelfling." Coyotee says in confusion as he
looks around.

"GELFLING!" The bird creature howls again as he hops around weirdly,
twitching with excitement.

Coyotee looks around a bit more as he frowns, stepping back from the
Vultek.

"Um. NO. KERRA. What the HELL is a GELFLING?" Coyotee asks as the Vultek
screeches angrily.

"GELFLING RUIN PROPHECY!" The vulture man howls as it begins to hop away.
"Must warn other Skeksis!" It screams as it flaps away; disappear over a hill
and leaving the bewildered reporter alone.

"What in the HELL was that?" Coyotee asks with a shake of his head as he
makes motions for the camera to turn off.

"This zone gets weirder by the minute." He sighs as the scene fades to
static.

(3)

 (2)

 (1)

“Fraud. Deceit. Praying on the trust and naivety of other to turn a quick
coin. Don’t think that it could happen to you? You’d be surprised.” A large cat
man holding a microphone looks angrily into the camera. “This is Coyotee
Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing to you this late breaking story.”
He introduces as he turns towards a small gnome standing beside him.

“Standing with me is a young gnome who wishes to remain anonymous. He has
been accused to theft, scams and bilking people out of both their time and
money.” Coyotee explains angrily as the gnome waves his hands frantically.

“Wait..wait! I’m telling you these charges are FALSE!” The gnome cries out in
desperation as the reporter looks at him suspiciously.

“You have been accused of trying to sell “Talking Ducks” to tourists who
visit SteamFont, and you are telling me that YOU are the victim?” The reporter
growls as the gnome nods quickly.

“YES! Please..someone listen to me! My story..no..my warning needs to go
out!” The gnome pleads as Coyotee crosses his arms dubiously.

“Go on then. Tell your side.” He instructs as the small man turns towards the
camera.

“I…I..was greedy, yes. But not like you think!” The gnome amends quickly as
he looks at Coyotee. “You see…I found these talking ducks. These…Quacker
Yigs….and I thought I was going to be rich. People everywhere would want them,
and all they had to do was a couple of quick tasks for me, and I’d give them
one.” He explains as the reporter looks on in disbelief.

“No! Really!” The gnome cries as he reads Coyotee’s facial expression. “ I
thought…I’m..I’m going to be rich..the world would line UP for these things.” He
cries as he holds up a duck.

“Talk damn you..TALK!” He screams at the waterfowl as it preens its feathers,
unphased by the shouted commands.

“Sir..do you REALLY expect us to believe..” Coyotee starts only to be cut off
by the man who sets the bird down.

“No! Really. It talks! It does! It just doesn’t do it when other people are
around! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!” The gnome cries as he runs off camera
sobbing.

The reporter watches the small man as he runs off, trailing tears and wet
sobs behind him. Rolling his eyes, the cat man looks at the camera with a
shrug.

“Turn it off…our story got away.” Coyotee sighs as he turns to regard the
duck.

Shaking its head in obvious disgust the duck turns and looks at Coyotee with
a tilt of its feathered head.

"Talking ducks. Can you believe that crackpot?" The duck asks
incredulously.

"Feh. Don't get me STARTED." Coyotee laughs bitterly as he shakes his head
along with the duck before his eyes widen in amazement.

Turning slowly towards Quacker Yig, a stunned and incredulous look on his
face.

"I'm...I'm going to be rich." Coyotee stammers as the camera slowly fades to
static.

**end**