Pirates vs. Ninjas

By: Paul "SLiDE" Shortt

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The interesting thing about the Pirate vs. Ninja debate is how widespread it is. It matters not where you go, be it down the street for a coffee or surfing across the web searching for 10 ways to make toast, there will be opinions about who would win in a fight or who is better overall. The unfortunate truth is that the Pirates vs. Ninjas discussion induces eye rolling almost as much as Chuck Norris facts for the simple fact that it's talked about in such tremendous quantities. It's become a web phenom of epic proportion. Not even Vin Diesel could break up this fight.

You have probably already made up your mind who you like the best and that's ok. There's always room for extra information or new angles to look upon. Let's begin discussing the good old Pirates shall we?

Pirates

Pirates are dirty, foul, booty plundering, mast climbing, ship sailing, drunken scoundrels. They wear brightly colored, mismatched items and speak in a strange language that only few can master. What's not to love? The foundation of the peoples' affection for a good pirate is the gruff, "takes no crap from anyone", "likes to have a good time" life that they tend to lead. A pirate cares only for himself and takes what he wants. The short lifespan of these folk is good reason for living in the moment. There is a definite commanding presence when around a Pirate. I should know. I used to be one.

Fighting with pirates is dangerous business indeed. You don't even have to make them mad. If they think you have anything of value, you may just happen to find yourself at the pointy end of a sword. Then, if it appeases them, you'll become a prisoner, or be forced to swear allegiance to the cap'n and go to work with the rest of the crew. Swabbing the deck is better than a visit to Davy Jones locker. Or is it?
Pirates are adept fighting with most anything that can be swung through the air in a menacing fashion. Swords, clubs and hooks are the order of every battle for some good close combat melee action. Does it really need to get that close though? Of course not. No self-proclaimed pirate is going to walk into battle without a good firearm. Why waste the energy swinging a sword when you can point and shoot? Even better, why waste your sidearm ammo when there are cannons available to blow giant holes in things? Pirate reputation is enough to cause most opponents to just surrender. The unpredictable nature of a pirate is quite fear inducing.

Pirates generally aren't pretty, good smelling people. Health and hygiene are low on a pirate's list of importance. Rum and women are the real pirate priorities. It's too bad that these things are the cause for much of their disarray. The alcohol is the most dangerous. While it gives false courage and numbing properties to the body that can be great for battle, it also causes loss of limb and life during even the most mundane tasks. Why do you think all those pirates walk around with hooks on their arms and patches over their eyes? My sources show that 80 percent of these accidents are caused while intoxicated. 25% alone are related to cutting fruit. Pirates not yet used to their new hooks have been known to rub the sleep out of their eyes with the wrong hand early in the morning. Promiscuity and lack of antibiotics are another problem for Pirates.
Drunken men with no depth perception, flailing sharp hooked limbs around while scratching their nether regions is a recipe for destruction or disaster.

Ninjas

Ninjas on the other hand, are completely different. Ninjas are highly trained assassins taught to use sharp shiny items in a lethal manner. These shadow walkers speak only when needed and even then it's all in code. They wear black pajamas and socks that breath easily for maximum cooling and comfort. Some skeptics believe that ninjas don't exist at all. If one actually sees a ninja, then it couldn't have been a ninja. This isn't actually true. I should know. I used to be a ninja.

Ninjas generally work alone. Things are less complicated that way. Ninjas don't kill for loot, fame or women. Their kill choices are by contract, self defense or honor. Say for example a pirate looted a ninja's scarf from his secret bamboo ninja hut; the ninja would hunt the pirate down, kill him and take his scarf back in the name of honor or something. A ninja can master many different weapons for combat use, but especially like throwing items. Nothing pleases a ninja more than dropping a target from 200 yards with a throwing knife. Before email was invented, these knives were used to send messages back and forth. Ninjas are emotionally dead. This is ensures there is no hesitation when eliminating a target.

Pluses and Minuses

One of the ninja's downfalls is that they have that annoying knack for killing themselves if they think they've failed? So... If a pirate caught a ninja sneaking up on him, and the ninja perceived this as failure, the pirate would just have to point and laugh as the ninja disemboweled himself. Easy win for the pirate.

Ninja's can't swim. End of discussion.

Both pirates and ninjas speak in code. They're different codes... there will be no communication between the two. Let the staring contest commence. Pirates advantage; he only has to worry about the one eye.

Ninja poisons the ships orange supply. Pirates eat the oranges and die. Pirates don't eat the oranges and contract scurvy.

A ninja could potentially disguise himself as a pirate. A pirate could definitely not do the same. If a ninja had a peg leg he would kill himself.

Pirates get chicks. Some are cheaper than others. Some chicks are ninjas who infiltrated the brothel and disemboweled the pirate.

Pirates have monkeys and parrots as pets. Some ninja's have been known to make up their own pets after many years of solitude. *twitch*

Ninjas don't have beards. So un-cool.

Pirates wear capris, striped tights and shoes with buckles. So un-cool.

Getting kicked and stomped on by a peg leg is way worse than being tickled by a ninja's sock wielding foot.

Ninja's dress in 100% black. Pirates look like a rainbow threw up on them.

Ninja's kill without being seen. A pirate will yell at you then shoot you in the face. Meh, I suppose this is about even.

So, you think you have an awesome rebuttal to my theories about pirates vs. ninjas? I welcome you to yell at the article on your computer screen. If that isn't satisfying enough, then feel free to start a discussion in our message board right here.