The column last week stunk (except for the image at the top).  I apologize for everything except that image which got rave reviews as it tied into the cosplay aspect of the piece.  To make it up to you I’ve done a much worse job this week.

As always, if you’re looking for grammar or facts, you’ve come to the wrong place.  You might want to try this column or this one.

On with the show.

Really, onward!

The Need For Speed or Gaming Gourmand

A hero need not speak.  When he is gone, the world will speak for him. - Halo

My esteemed colleagues at TenTonHammer.com posted some interesting opinions last week.   I always take the time to read their columns on the off-chance that they ask me if I agreed or disagreed with them.  I would hate to be caught hmming and ahhhing over something like that.  It’s bad form.  

So…I read their columns diligently, much like a bee, flying from flower to flower, providing the honey. Often, just to keep the aforementioned question from being asked I leave them a comment.   It’s usually something witty like,

“First!”

Or

“Destiny Beta Keys” with a link to my column, but I make an effort in my own little way.

But, back to the point at hand, one column jumped out at me last week and that was Karen’s about being a Perfectionist Gamer.   For the record, I am not a perfectionist gamer.   On the gamer spectrum I may be their anethema.  What kind of gamer am I?

What a great question…, but first,

Vin Diesel Fact: Vin Diesel doesn’t mow his lawn.  He dares the grass to grow.  

Unlike Karen, and apparently many of the people who read her column, I am not a perfectionist gamer.   I wasn’t placed on this fine planet to do things with perfection. I believe this column is testament to that.  I’m here to beat the current game/boss/class/zone/insert your goal here, and move on to beating something else.   I love leveling.  I dislike seeing that I earned 4 out of 5 stars in some level, but hey,

I beat you level!  Stars are just your way of saying that you’re a sore loser. – John “Boomjack” Hoskin

The end result of winning a hockey game 10-1 is no different than winning 2-1.   You won.  You defeated your opponent.  You don't get more stars or more points for winning by more.  I just wish you win quicker.  I feel the same way about video games.   I’m not here to find every secret and attain every achievement.  That doesn’t motivate me, but if you give me 100 levels to climb, then well…. I’m all over that like a hobo on a ham sandwich. 

I speed through MMO levels faster than the hosts of The View burned through their careers. 

See, even they think it's funn.  The President even agrees.

With that in mind you can move on to the rest of this column.  Picture their careers first.  Got it? It shouldn't have taken you long.  Ok, on you go.

Guys, I'll Just Be A Minute, Or An Hour.

How many times have you been in a group with a player who continually bawls like a newborn about every achievement he is missing as you move through a dungeon?  if we don’t backtrack 10 minutes worth of content so that he or she can get the last item for some dumbfounding achievement that will allow them to put the words “Goofygooner” or “I Waste Other People’s Time” above their name in-game they will run around like schoolgirls with bats in their hair and scream like their underwear filled with fire ants.    

This agitates me.  

I just want to blow through the dungeon, smash the boss at the end and then queue up to do that all over again as fast as I possibly can.  I’m a formula 1 race car and they are VW wagons.  I want to get to end of this race as fast as possible and they want to take every backroad leading to nowhere.  There is nothing wrong with their way of enjoying the game, except they are currently driving their VW bus in the fast lane of the Boomjack MMO Autobahn.

I am this…

VW bus guy is this…

My point is that they are both terrible songs, but they are different. 

If I voice my displeasure in trekking back 30 minutes to click on a grain of dust I inevitably receive the following, usually as part of a much longer, more time consuming diatribe.

But you’re missing out on great content. - Perfectionist Gamer

Guess what? I don’t want to parkour up twenty different rock ledges to get an item that is one of twenty so that I can receive an achievement or worse, so that I can get some item to put in my virtual house.

Guess double-what?  I don’t want to wait 30 minutes for you to do it either!  That’s a different game than I am playing.   That game is called boring, though I appreciate that for some strange reason you feel that it completes you as human being.

Even developers are becoming VW bus guys.  I’m looking straight at you Blizzard.   Can’t you just announce a release date without making it a 30-step process?

Blizzard knows the date that they will be releasing the much anticipated Warlords of Draenor expansion.  Do they simply send out a press release and let the world know?  Of course not.  

They send out a press release that announces, not the date of launch, but rather the date on which they will announce the date of launch.    I kid you not.

What’s next?

We will be announcing the date of the date that we will announce the date of launch.  Stay tuned to find out when that date will be announced.  Thank you.  – Actilizzard.

I can’t be the only one who feels like tearing up the road, but it’s blocked by VW bus guys… or am I? 

You tell me.

---

Now on to something more entertaining.

MMO news that matters.  Just for fun I’m going to give you the title that we used and then follow-up with the sensational title it would have had if the article displayed on Kotaku.

• Destiny Could be the Next WoW – On Kotaku it would read, “WoW to close!”

• Wildstar Interview: Shelton, Matzenbacher, Martin – On Kotaku, “Wildstar to close!”

• R.I.P. Vanguard: Saga of Heroes – On Kotaku, “Vanguard to reopen!”

And because the real world is usually more humorous than the virtual one.   Here are some real world stories to put a smile on your face.

• From the It’s-Not-A-Shark-Week-Dept. – Newly Identified Dolphin Species Killed.

• From the Fire-Snake-Fire-Snake-Fire-Crash-Dept. – Woman Crashes Into Firehouse With Stolen Snake Around Her Neck.

• From the Confused-Cats-Against-Femism-Dept. – Tumblr Wins The Internet

That’s it.  That’s all for this week.   Show me that you have a voice, by commenting in the little Disqus box below.  We have won the Comment War for the last two weeks!  Way to go you loudmouth and previously mute bunch of rabble-rousers. 

Thanks as always for taking the time to read right to the bottom of the column.  It’s like the credits of a movie and you just never know when I’m going to stick something good down here.  I appreciate it.  

If you received even an iota of enjoyment from this then please support me and TenTonHammer (but mostly me) by doing one of more of the following:

• Follow me on Twitter (@BoomjackTTH)

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Thanks again.  I appreciate your support.   Who’s awesome?  You’re awesome!