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Thanks to Smallthreat of the Bronzebeard server (World of Warcraft) for sending me in a screenshot that I could use in one of our comics. As a person who spends as much time wishing I didn't have to travel as actually travelling I've always wondered what customs would be like in Azeroth.

Dwarf Customs Official: Destination?

Gnome: Stormwind, gateway to the Human lands, home to a plethora of tinkers and engineers. A place... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Purpose of your trip?

Gnome: I have been told that Westfall is teeming with voracious animals, bent on the destruction of those hearty souls that dare.... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Is this for business or pleasure? Do you have a permit to kill these animals?

Gnome: Rest assured my bearded inquisitor that I take no pleasure in killing. I was bereft of the knowledge that a permit was required to cleanse the lands of the iniquitous and the nefarious. I have been blessed in that I am in possession of quests, deposited on my humble self by the high-born and the... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Quests you say? Does PETA know you have these quests? The last thing we need is a bunch of hemp wearing, protein deficient hippies running around Alliance territory. They can stay in Moonglade where they belong.

Gnome: It was my belief that PETA stood for People Eating Tasty Animals. If I am mistaken in my... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: If only that were true. Where will you be staying?

Gnome: My humble acquaintances have procured arrangements for me in Goldshire at the Inn.

Dwarf Customs Official: You don't plan to dance naked do you? That is something you need a permit for.

Gnome: Though I am flattered by your comments I must ask, do I look like a Night Elf to you?

Dwarf Customs Official: I suppose not, but I'm the one asking the questions here and don't you forget it. Did you pack your own bags?

Gnome: Though a Gnome of my stature could afford many servants I choose to look after my own affairs. That and no other player could access my bags. It's just not possible you see... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Have your bags been out of your sight?

Gnome: Well, only when I don't press "B". That strange "B" button opens my backpack and if I press... [Dward cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Ha! So they have been out of your sight. Check!

Gnome: Techincally sir, yes, I suppose they were out of my sight, but since nobody else can access them is it relevant?

Dwarf Customs Official: It matters if I say it matters. I'm like a "Blue" poster in the forums. What I say doesn't have to make sense.

Dwarf Customs Official: Now back at it shall we? Are you carrying any weapons?

Gnome: Ah, weapons, I am an aficionado of weapons. The gleam in my eye is matched only by the gleam of my blades... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: List them please, and be brief if that is possible for you.

Gnome: Ah my good Dwarf, I am fortunate enough to be the proud owner of a Staff of Jordan, a balanced pair of green daggers and a sword, nay a treasure for my friend in Goldshire. The sword... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Why do you have Jordan's staff? Most casual players don't have purple items and complain incessantly about it, yet you, an individual of debateable abilities in in possession of one.

Gnome: Mayhap, the staff is not actually Jordan's staff. It is mine. It is simply called a Staff of Jordan, named after... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Did Jordan give it to you? Is he a gold farmer? What's his real name? Where does he live?

Gnome: Good Heavens in a handbasket no... It dropped off a Goblin in Stranglethorn Vale. I was lurking, freeing some...[Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: So you stole it then? OR, perhaps you are a gold farmer?

Gnome: No, I killed the Goblin and pried the staff from his still cooling hands, delirious with joy, revelling in...[Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: So you're a murderer then, now off to murder animals in Westfall? This isn't looking good you know.

Gnome: But the diabolical Goblins are our enemies. Everyone hunts them down, ridding the... [Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Just because everyone is doing it doesn't make it right. Would you jump off a bridge if everyone else did it?

Gnome: I would if I was in a raid and the raid leader asked me to, I would leap from the highest peaks upon the sharpest spikes. I would...[Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: So you are part of a cult eh? Do you have some crazed leader telling you what to do; your own opinions scoured away from you like so many female Night Elf hunters at a competency contest?

Gnome: Our fair and fanciful guild isn't raiding yet, so I am somewhat shamed to admit that I follow no direction from on-high. I form my own opinions, well thought out...[Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: Are you carrying any explosives? We don't need our birds falling out of the sky you know. It's bad for business.

Gnome: Explosives, fireworks, powder and fuse are the lifeblood of a Gnome. I could nay say that I was a Gnome at all if I didn't bear some on my person at all...[Dwarf cuts him off]

Dwarf Customs Official: I need a guard over here please!

Gnome: [As he is dragged away for the "snappy glove" treatment] But, in the name of all that explodes, I'll be the only one on the bird. Why would I blow it up?
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Vin Diesel Fact of the Day - Vin Diesel can build snowmen out of rain.
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-- John "Boomjack" Hoskin
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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

About The Author

Hoskin 0
Dissecting and distilling the game industry since 1994. Lover of family time, youth hockey, eSports, and the game industry in general.