I'm sick, ever so sick, and incapable of applying logic to words, which is why today's topic is absolutely delightful. When it comes down to the battle of the century we all can agree that Predator vs. Archie is what the universe will ultimately boil down to before the cosmic overlords say our dimension has run its final course. As the heat death of the universe looms over us and this dimension's time comes to an end, there will be one last story to play out.
Perhaps not on this pale blue dot we call home which by this point and time would be void space, perhaps not anywhere within the imaginable universe that we can see, but somewhere as the light fades and the sky grows dark, there is one thing left to happen, and that is Archie vs. Predator, the final fight between good and evil, consumerism and aliens, entitled teens trying to learn life lessons vs. a super advanced alien that can only be killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Recently, having sort of a cosmic awakening inside of me, I can somewhat see into the future so far from now, and can reliably say the following are the top five greatest losers in Archie vs. Predator.
Biggest Loser #5 - Veronica
Oh if she lives, somehow, I'll figuratively eat a Burger King crown and a fedora at the same time. Sure, Betty might escape with a few limbs intact, but we can obviously guess Veronica is gone for good. Maybe they're not the biggest loser, because they'll go so quickly, but after everyone discovers that predator came to Riverdale in Veronica's Louis Vuitton luggage, then we all just really kind of get the picture of how everyone is going to feel about Veronica.
Rich, beautiful, and ruthless won't save her from an energy beam and the horror tropes that are inevitably going to come. If Veronica escapes, if for some reason she does, then there is still something lurking out there - Alien, who we all know is going to be the followup and that should be the demise of Veronica for sure.
Biggest Loser #4 - Mr. Waldo Weatherbee
I can picture it now, Jughead running from Predator, the faint waft of the succulent Burger King's fire-broiled Whoppers trailing softly behind him, as the Predator does a quick 360 no scope and takes out 'ol Waldo Weatherbee, whose decaying corpse forever rests in detention, never being able to accomplish his life mission of making Jughead do something sensible for once. Wait, how does he keep ending up in detention again? Well, that won't matter now, as he's going to be sacrified for Jughead's continued survival and that puts him on the loser list. Who wants to be Jughead's sacrifice?
I really do hope the best for Weatherbee, but sadly hope is fleeting when Predator is on the scene.
Biggest Loser #3 - Garfield
I mean, is he a loser? Is he not a loser? We're never really given any context to if Garfield is one of the smartest cats in the universe, capable of somehow communicating with some outside watcher into his life while living one of the most luxurious cat lives you could imagine. A comfy bed, a warm house, and lasagna all the time.
Yet, with great power comes great questions, why is Garfield not using his power for more? Why must be confine himself to just being a cat? These questions make him the third biggest loser in this entire ordeal.
Biggest Loser #2 - Gaston
The dude is literally a chef at the Lodge mansion. How does he have a beef with the predator? The dude is going to just be sitting there cooking away when Predator rolls inside of Veronica's Louis Vuttion luggage piece and then bam, he's gone, and all because he was trying to be a hard working American. That's not the American way! THAT IS FAR FROM IT!!!
It saddens me that when Predator rips Gaston limb from limb, there won't be a single soldier standing by to defend him against this ravenous onslaught. This country is a place of dreams and for Predator to take those dreams away is just downright not American!
Biggest Loser #1 - Jughead
First and foremost, we have to understand something - Jughead doesn't wear a Burger King crown. Crazy, I know, instead it's a beanie most commonly sourced from hand me down fedoras. It's sort of a piece of hobo wear that the youth used to wear around, with pins and such attached to it. Basically, Jughead is a fedora wearing know it all and obviously, that's the guy that's going to get five chest bursters and a few sides of energy weapon blasts because who isn't to say Alien isn't going to stop in for some fun.
For a special bonus, the biggest winner is: Predator
Because, when you think about it, a bunch of high school kids fighting a space alien isn't going to work out that well for them, and as the last light in the cosmos fades and everything grows cold, one thing will still exist: sequels to Predator.
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