Adventures in Plant-Sitting

by Niami
DenMother

Niami DenMother ("Mum" to her friends) was, at heart, a very nice
halfling, especially as far as redheads went. So, when the exceedingly
strange gnome that had just moved in down the street asked for some
plant-sitting help, she didn't slam the door in his face, comment on
his shifty eyes, or his nervous giggle, or do any of her first
dozen-ish impulses. "Business trip, eh? Why o' course I'd be happy tae
watch this ... um ... plant frae ye, lad."

"Thanks, m'am, they said you were a kind one!" Fizzlesprocket
Thingamagic gave a high-pitched giggle. "It should need too much care
at all." {titter} "Just water and feed it once in a while,
ok?" As he saw her brow furrow in a slight frown, he hurried on before
she could get a word in edgewise. "Nothing fancy, mind you, just a bit
of water, some bones from that scrumptious roast I can smell cooking,
maybe a bit of peat now and then. Teehee.
OhmylookatthetimeI'mgoingtobelate! Here'sthefeedinglistforitthankyouverymuchIhavetogonow!"
With that, the gnome stuffed a list into her hand, and fled off,
leaving Mum shaking her head in bewilderment.

She eyed the plant, and felt, for a moment, that it eyed her back.
"Bah, too many sweets afore bed an' I am imagining all sorts o' odd
things. Let's get ye inside an' get a better look at ye." She dragged
the plant-pot inside, noting that the plant, which was almost as tall
as she was, looked to be poorly settled in the ugly clay pot. "Odd that
there be sae many holes on th' sides o' th' pot like that. Almost as if
he expected ye tae grow yuir roots outside th' pot."

The barrel-shaped stem of the plant was almost hidden by the mass of
striped blue and green leaves. To her mind, the leaves looked a bit
sickly, and her overactive imagination had her thinking that she saw
teeth, of all things in the center of the mass of leaves!

"Definitely too many sweets!" She shook her head to clear it, then
continued to chatter to the plant as she dragged it into a spot under
the window in the living room. "He did nae e'en do a proper job o'
planting ye, did he, ye puir thing? I'll go check on th' roast, then
get some potting soil frae ye."

As she trundled downstairs to the kitchen in the cellar, she looked
over the list that the gnome had given her. "Pond water, peat an' meaty
bones. Well, I can manage all that, but it does nae say how th' bones
are tae be fed tae it! Am I supposed tae bury 'em in th' dirt an' let
th' meat rot off? If so, that will be quite th' stench, and mister
plant there will be going outside on th' patio!"

The roast was done to perfection, and she happily nibbled on some
while she efficiently sliced the rest up for sandwiches and other
dishes. Mindful of the list, she saved out the large bone, being
careful to leave a little extra meat on it. "Waste o' guid meat tae be
feeding it tae a plant, but I did promise I'd look after th' thing, an'
it seems sorely neglected. Mayhaps this will perk it up a wee bit."

She loaded up a tray with some water, a pouch of peat and the bone
and trundled back up the stairs to the living room to where she had
placed the plant.

It wasn't there.

Well, it was, but it was about 9 feet over from where she thought
she had placed it, sitting in a corner - with one of her housecats
penned in between it and the walls. "Och! I could swear I put ye under
th' window. Don't tell me I be getting senile afore my time now!" She
set down the tray, then dragged the plant out from the corner, freeing
the cat, which promptly fled with a yowl.

"Hmm, what's this?" She eyed the tag that had been hidden amongst
the leaves. On one side it said "Feed me!" The reverse side said, in
small print "Carnivorous plant."

"Well, I've ne'er seen nor heard of such a thing. Must be one o'
those newfangled plants they found up in th' sky realm. Why would ye
want tae keep around a plant that ate wee critters?" She turned back to
the table as she talked to herself, picking up the tray of plant
goodies once again. Her eyes narrowed as a thought occurred to her and
she whirled around just in time to see several large roots snake out of
the holes in the pot. "Ye leave puir Fluffy alone, ye hear me?! An'
none o' that moving around on me behind my back, or nae food frae ye!"

At the mention of food, the plant tilted at the top, so the crown of
it was facing her, while a circle of teeth gnashed in her general
direction.

"Och!"

She skittered backwards a couple steps, then took hold of her
resolve. "Patience, now, patience! I've got it right here, but if ye
want it, ye're going tae have tae behave yuirself."

Carefully, she fertilized it with some peat, then watered it, then
gingerly held out the bone ... and almost lost her fingers to the
teeth. "None o' that now!" She thwapped it soundly with the tray she'd
used to bring the food upstairs, then a second time for good measure.
Again it gnashed teeth at her, as it pushed long roots back out of the
holes in the sides of the pot and started walking towards
her, biting the air in her general direction.

"Blessed Bristlebane!" She flung the tray at it and fled back down
into the kitchen, as the plant slowly followed her down the stairs.

Quickly, Mum ran over to the hanging collection of pots and pans,
pulling out one that fit nicely over her head as a helmet. Another grab
and she had a large pot lid in her left hand, and one final grab and
she had a nice, solid marble rolling pin in her right hand. Armed and
armored with the tools of her trade, she whirled on the plant, which
stiffened, leaves pointing straight up as it pondered the odd behavior
of its chosen prey.

"Och, laddybuck, I'm an easy-going lass, that I am, but I ..." Arm
strengthened by years of kneading dough, stirring pots and other such
domestic efforts, she landed a mighty blow on the plant with the
rolling pin. "... am ..." Another solid thwack, and the plant stopped
advancing. "... not ..." {thwap!} "... FOOD!" {KERTHWAP!}

With a slight fwoosh noise, the plant pulled all the
roots back into the pot once more and spit out a fresh fruit in her
general direction, as if in apology for bad behavior.

She advanced on the plant, watching the leaves tremble, and raised
her rolling pin a bit. "Now, are ye going tae behave yuirself, or do I
need tae break out th' cleaver or summat as well?" The plant trembled,
flinched, and drooped.

She backed up a couple steps, watching it through narrowed eyes, as
it straightened up and sat meekly under her regard. "Nae eating me, nae
eating my guests, and NAE eating my pets! Do ye understand me?" This
last was said as she shook the rolling pin at it warningly.

The plant drooped again, then nodded it's crown. "In return, I'll
feed ye an' water ye an' all that. Ye've a right tae live, too, as long
as ye eat properly." The plant perked up a tad. "Oh, an' if ye wish,
any burglars are fair game. I'd nae be surprised if that gnome was part
o' some new robbery scam." There was no doubt about it, the plant
practically bloomed under her watchful eyes.

"Ye like that idea, eh? Trust me, treats from me be better than
fighting wi' yuir food most o' th' time. Now, shoo. Back upstairs wi'
ye while I clean up my kitchen!"

There was a flurry of rustling, as the plant tried to run up the
stairs in a flurry of roots and leaves.

"Odd plant. I think I'll call him ... Seymour."

(For a full guide on the proper way to feed your in-game
carnivorous plant, and what you can get from it other than fresh fruit,
see the new href="http://eq2.eqtraders.com/articles/article_page.php?article=g77"
target="_blank">carnivorous plant guide over on EQ2 Traders Corner.)