Complaints: Why Fae Can't Betray
Eq2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
A large calico colored cat man sits in a booth under a sign marked "Complaints". The "Hello, my name is" tag pinned to his tunic reads "Coyotee", as it bobs slightly as he waves off a huge Ogre who skips away happily.
After making several notations, he adjusts his nametag and calls out "Next" in a loud clear voice as a purple and pink sparkled Fae flutters up to the window.
"Please write your name and sign on the bottom line." The Kerran instructs in a bored voice as the Fairy takes the clipboard and pen and does as she is told.
Returning the pen to the clerk, she smiles as she looks at his nametag.
"Aren't you that reporter guy?" She asks in a sweet voice as he shrugs slightly.
"Work has been slow, this is my day job." He admits as he retrieves her clipboard.
"Name?" He asks in monotones.
"Sugarkisses Laughterheart." Sugarkisses chirps happily and gives a tiny spin.
"Nature of complaint?" Coyotee asks with a yawn.
"I am evil and I want to betray." Sugarkisses smiles politely as the Kerran looks at her in surprise.
"Um. Fae can't be evil, and they can't betray." Coyotee points out. Nodding agreement Sugar frowns and takes a deep breath.
"That's my complaint. I'm evil, and I should be able to betray so that I can join my evil friends in Flowerport." She says in her most evil voice.
Looking at the clipboard, the Kerran flips through a few pages before shaking his head.
"Its FREEport, not Flowerport, and no..I'm sorry. You can't be evil." He says with a shrug. "If you're not evil, you can't betray." He explains before looking over her shoulder.
"NEXT!" he cries out, but the Fairy refuses to move.
"I am PLENTY evil, I'll have you know!" She says indignantly as she crosses her arms. "So why can't I betray?" She asks in a huff.
"Well lets start with your name shall we? Sugarkisses Laughterheart." Coyotee sighs in annoyance as he looks over his clipboard. "Sugarkisses isn't exactly an EVIL name. Its not striking fear into the heart of Villagers or causing people to run in panic now is it?" He finishes as the diminutive Fae hangs her head in disappointment.
"What if it's EVIL sugar?" She asks hopefully causing the large Kerran to roll his eyes.
"Sugar itself isn't sentient now is it? It can't distinguish between the moral ethics of a wrong or right choice, sugar CAN'T be evil - and even if it COULD, they're still KISSES aren't they?" Coyotee says in frustration as he schools the Fairy.
"But I *DO* evil things." Sugar grins as she wrings her hands in a maniacal way and laughs darkly under her breath.
"Oh?" Coyotee says looking up from the clipboard in surprise. "Well..yeah. Okay, that's different. What kind of evil things?" He asks, readying his quill once more.
Grinning her best evil grin, Sugar looks around self consciously before fluttering close to the hulking cat man.
"Well..." She starts in the barest of whispers. "This morning, my cousin Kittenwhiskers sneezed...and I didn't BLESS her." Sugar cackles, as the Kerran looks on unimpressed. "And then, at breakfast, I didn't wash my hands before I ate AND I put BOTH elbows on the table." She finishes with a throaty laugh before looking at Coyotee expectantly.
"NEXT!" The cat man bellows as he looks past the sparkling Fae.
"What? Oh come on!" Sugar cries out in protest as she stomps a small foot in mid air. "That was TOTALLY evil!" She states flatly as she puffs out her bottom lip.
"THAT was evil?" Coyotee asks in clarification, once more looking at the tiny Fae.
"YES!" She cries out, folding her arms absently.
"You didn't bless someone who sneezed, ate your breakfast with pee hands and both elbows on the table. And that's evil?" He laughs as he shakes his head. "Tinypies, that's not evil. Its borderline gross and I wish you would have mentioned the urine fingers before you touched my PEN.." Coyotee admits, tossing the pen in an unseen wastebasket behind him. "..but that's not evil. Hell, its not even BAD, more like ..not hygienic." He says with a sigh as she crumples with sadness.
"I killed my sister." Sugarkisses whispers under her breath as she hangs her head.
"WHAT? That's GREAT!" Coyotee says happily as he picks up his clipboard once again.
"Really?!?" Sugarkisses dances as she gushes with joy.
"Murder? Of a SIBLING? Of course! That's TOTALLY evil!" The Kerran laughs. "Well, give me some details! Dish! Dish!" He grins as he readies the quill.
Spinning happily at her own evil actions Sugar leaves a glittering trail in the air as she bounces around.
"I made her MUFFINS." She howls as she finishes her impromptu "I'm Evil" dance.
"Excellent." Coyotee nods as he begins to write. "Poison muffins then?" He asks, looking up?
"Um..no." Sugar says with a frown. "The regular kind." She says tilting her head to one side.
"And your sister is allergic to muffins?" The cat man asks not quite following.
"No! She loves them!" The Fairy cackles once more.
"So...how are muffins going to kill her?" Coyotee asks slightly confused.
"I made them with REAL butter!" Sugar roars as she starts up her dance again.
Frowning, Coyotee sets down the clipboard once more and folds his massive paws.
"And is your sister, allergic to real butter?" He asks slowly, already knowing the answer.
"No..." Sugar drawls as she leans in. "But over the years her cholesterol will go through the roof eventually leading to depression, obesity and heart failure! Muahahahha!" She giggles as she reveals her master plan.
"Application denied. NEXT!" Coyotee calls out as the tiny Fairy flutters back in a mixture of surprise and anger.
"You...you can't deny me! I'm EVIL!" Sugar says again with another stomp of her feet.
"You aren't evil. You're annoying. Now go away before I swat you." The Kerran growls causing the Fairy to back up a bit more.
"How DARE you." She snarls dangerously as she raises a tiny fist towards him. "You're making a HUGE mistake!" She swears as she slowly backs away.
"Yeah yeah. You won't leave me nickels for my teeth. Woe is me." Coyotee says in a bored voice as he goes back to his clipboard.
"YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY COYOTEE SHARPTONGUE!" She bellows in a surprisingly deep voice before disappearing in a swirling cloud of glitter.
Raising an eyebrow to the clearing smoke, the cat man looks almost impressed as he consults his clipboard.
"Hmm..Rue is a pretty good evil word." He says as he nods to himself.
"There's hope for the Fae yet." He chuckles as he looks towards the long line of complaints.
"NEXT!" Coyotee calls out, as the threats from his newest nemesis fade from his mind.
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