Echoes of Faywder - A Forbidden Look
EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
A large Kerran relaxes in a red leather arm chair as he sips from a wine glass of milk. Smiling he turns towards the camera and grins.
"The Echoes of Faydwer." He chuckles as he swirls the white liquid and holds it to the light. "Mysterious, unknown, and almost impossible to research due to strict non-disclosures and ..well.." He grins slightly. "..painful consequences.
Nodding to a large white screen embossed with a giant number three the Kerran finishes his glass of milk and tosses the container behind him in an uncaring gesture.
"Until now. Breaking the NDA to bring you this exclusive information, we at Ten Ton Hammer think of you - the viewer, first. So sit back, relax, and enjoy these never before seen glimpses into our future." He winks as the screen starts counting down from three.
An intimidating figure dressed in a mechanical black suit, complete with chest box and cape stands imposingly in front of the camera. His face is hidden behind a shiny metal mask roughly constructed to resemble a Kerran. Breathing heavily his voice comes in gasping guttural growls.
"Welcome fools." He breaths as he points to a forest behind him. "Welcome to Ten Ton Hammer's exclusive review of the NEW.."His breath trails as he sweeps his arm. "Echoes of VADER!" The mechanical cat laughs evilly as he raises a black clad fist.
"Um...Coyotee?" A confused voice calls out from behind the camera.
"What?" The mechanical cat asks in annoyance as he lifts his face mask. "Was I too hard to understand? It's the mask - I can't breath in the damn thing." He confides as he points to the mask that now rests on his head.
"Yeah, about that. It's Echoes of FAYDWER, not Echoes of VADER. Faydwer. With an "f". " The director points out as Coyotee looks around in shock.
"Huh? Faydwer? Hmm." The reporter frowns as he looks up. "Then that's not the Ewok village is it?" He asks rhetorically as the director's voice cuts back in.
"No..no. That's the new Fae city. Kelethin." The director informs.
"Yeah..yeah. That makes more sense." Coyotee admits. "No Ewoks then?" He asks in clarification.
"No. No Ewoks." The unseen director confirms.
"I am going to force choke the piss out of Bongotezz." The reporter growls as he stomps off camera to change.
"The ocean. That seemingly endless expanse of water that separates unknown worlds from our own. Untamable, unstoppable, the ocean moves like a living thing and has always been considered impassable - until now." A large Kerran holding a microphone stares intently into the camera. A soft breeze slightly ruffles his fur as he moves across a beach front dock.
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this exclusive first look at the nautical system that will be connecting the known world with the unknown." The cat man introduces as he moves towards an impressive ship that dwarfs the docks.
"Standing with me today is local sea fairer and Captain of this mammoth vessel, Edward John Smith. Captain Smith, how are you today?" Coyotee asks a grizzled looking seadog who squints into the camera.
"Yaar! Avaste ye ya bandy legged flea covered varmit!" Captain Smith laughs as he slaps the Kerran good naturedly on the back. "Come ta see our maiden voyage have ya?" He asks with a yellowed smile.
Grinning in return the Kerran swivels slightly to take in the massive ship, obviously impressed by it's size.
"That's quite the vessel you have going there Captain. She's beautiful." Coyotee winks as he elbows the Captain knowingly. "What do you call her?" He asks as he admires the ship.
"Yaar! Beauty ain't she? This be me pride an' joy. Her name be tha Titanic, an' she be nary unsinkable." Captain Smith laughs as the Kerran's eyes widen.
Turning slowly to the Captain the cat man coughs slightly and asks for clarification.
"I'm..sorry. Did you say that you named your boat the TITANIC?" Coyotee asks in disbelief.
"AYE! A good strong name fer a good strong boat! She'll sail to tha Butcherblock in half tha time as any vessel out there!" The Captain claims proudly as he leans in slightly whispering.
"Got me a secret route through that there Everfrost. Once I be gittin' past them Permafrost peaks, it's smooth sailing." He confides with a laugh.
"Secret ...route?" Coyotee asks with shocked wonder.
"Aye! Me new first mate be findin' it! I be hirin' him on from them pirate islands over in tha desert of flame. His name be Terrance." Captain Smith introduces as a pirate with mismatched clothing and wildly rumpled hair stumbles forward.
"Bunnnies lick my no no parts!" Terrance exclaims happily as the Captain laughs.
"He's a funny one this boy. Love'em like a son I do!" Captain Smith grins as he puts his arm around Terrance.
Staring in stunned silence Coyotee looks between the two before sighing and shaking his head.
"You guys are SO f***ing dead." The reporter says incredulously as he walks off camera leaving the stunned Captain alone with his boat.
"Horses. Beasts of burden, labor and transportation, they've served us loyally for countless years. Acting as mount, mule, and sometimes friends, these loyal steeds have earned a place deep without our hearts." A large Kerran speaks with reverence as he hefts his microphone and stares into the camera.
"But with the arrival of Faydwer comes rumors of new mounts. Stronger, bigger faster beasts that may soon threaten the spot of necessity held by our equine friends. This is Coyotee Sharptongue with Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this live and exclusive look at the new mounts soon to be available." The cat man introduces as he turns towards a gigantic Kodiak Grizzly which eyeballs the reporter warily as it swats in annoyance at a large saddle that has been fashioned upon it's back.
"The Kodiak Grizzly. Once considered untamable and ferocious has been discovered in a new light." Coyotee explains as he steps closer to the bear.
"Capable of carrying up to three times it's own weight, this gentle giant can UUURNK--" Coyotee's introduction is cut off abruptly as the bear leans forward and cleanly bites off his head.
Blood spurting from the reporters neck, his decapitated body stumbles backwards as the bear turns towards the camera and roars. With a swipe of it's mighty paw the recording device is sent tumbling chaotically as screaming can be heard in the distance.
A Kerran holding a microphone looks frantically into the camera as he whispers excitedly.
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue from Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you LIVE from parts unknown as we risk both life and limb to bring you this exclusive scoop." The cat man rattles off as he looks around nervously.
"Those of us who have seen Faydwer are under strictest oath not to talk. A non disclosure agreement if you will." He explains as he looks around again.
"But this news is too large to be covered up, too huge to be confined with a non disclosure, and is SURE to set this world of Norrath into a chaotic spin!" Coyotee explains as he wipes a paw across his face nervously.
"What I have seen, what I am about to share with YOU, the audience ..I have no words for." He admits as he shakes his head. "The wonder, the glory, the ...the sheer horror of it all is inescapable." The Kerran explains as he fights back a sob.
"What I am about to tell you may shock - it may disturb, but it cannot be left a secret." Coyotee straightens as his eyes focus on the center of the camera.
"What they don't want you to know, what they've covered up is larger than any can imagine." He sighs as he takes a deep breath. "This goes straight to the top as we've uncovered IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE of a Hurnk!" Coyotee says, straining the last word.
"Huuurrnk?" He says slowly as he blinks, his large hand dropping the microphone with a loud thud as it moves to his neck - where a brightly colored pink dart has now sprouted.
"Daaaart...stiiiing." He says slowly as he pulls it out and examines it with slowly blinking eyes.
*Thwap thwap thwap*
Three more darts takes it's place as the Kerran's eyes roll back in his head and he thumps heavily to the ground.
An angry looking Halfling moves into frame as he stands over the cat man's unconscious form.
"I warned him about the NDA." The Halfling says with a shrug as he prods Coyotee with his foot. "Take him back to the lab for...processing." The small man instructs as two large men reach down and grab the prone reporter.
"Yes sir, Mister Brenlo, sir." The thugs call out in response to the orders as they begin to drag the large Kerran away.
"And guys?" Brenlo calls after them.
"Sir?" The respond, pausing only long enough to listen to the new orders.
"Shave him bald." Brenlo grins widely as the two hired mercenaries laugh loudly and remove the sleeping reporter.
Smiling pleasantly at the camera the Halfling picks up the microphone and clears his throat.
"We hope you've enjoyed this little forbidden look at the new expansion." He laughs as he holds up a small silver tube. "But I'm afraid you've all seen too much and now you have to be neurolyzed." The Halfling grins as he pushes a button and with a flash of white light, all goes black.
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