EQ Interviews: Quillmane
EverQuest Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
"Epic items. Legendary weaponry or magical artifacts that can speed and amplify your attacks, render your enemies helpless in torrents of poison and lethargy, or even allow you to bring back the dead. Every class boasts them, every class seeks them. But what if you were unable to obtain yours? What if one key ingredient was next to impossible to locate, or worse, the creature that held this item refused to show? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News, bringing you the TRUE Story." Coyotee says dramatically as he waves a hand behind him.
"South Karana. One of the most remote locations on Norrath. Barren, inhospitable and full of promises of death to any who would dare wander here alone. Yet some have no choice, as the promise of that illusive epic artifact drives them to no end. Hours upon days, upon countless months eat away at the heart of every mage who, in all desperation, attempts to find the elusive Quillmane." Coyotee explains as the camera pans to a rather large griffon, smiling ear to furry ear as he looks on.
"Tell us, Quillmane. How can you elude even the most dedicated mage? How can you time and time again hide in this vast area of nothingness, leaving disgruntled, and often suicidal Magic users in frustrated tears?" Coyotee asks holding the camera towards Quillmane.
"The answer, is easy my fair reporter. For I am..a.." Quillmane drags his sentence out slowly as he tucks his head under his wings dramatically before exploding into life.
"MASTER OF DISGUISE! Ahahhaha. I've heard the rumors, and I'm here to say that I am ALWAYS HERE! There is no conspiracy, there is only me, me and my DETECTION PROOF DISGUISES! AHAHahahah!" Quillmane laughs mischievously as Coyotee looks on, obviously impressed.
"And exactly, when did you realize that you had this talent? Is there a limit to who, to WHAT you may mimic in attempts to stay alive?" The reporter asks in awe.
"Actually, no Coyotee. There isn't. I've developed such a honed, perfect sense of imitation, that I can be whatever, or whoever I wish. I can be that stone, that tree, that wandering Guard with the razor-sharp sword. For I am...QUILLMANE! AHHAHAHAHA!" Quillmane ends his tangent with a long drawn out laugh.
"Amazing. Could we perhaps, if you will, see a demonstration of this remarkable mimicry ability?" Coyotee asks hopefully as Quillmane waves a dismissing wing.
"For YOU Coyotee, of course. Ahem. Ready? NOW YOU SEE ME.." Quillmane curls up on the ground under his wings looking exactly like..a curled up griffon.
"NOW You don't. Ooh..look at you..you're confused. One minute you're talking to the great and powerful QUILLMANE, and now, you're interviewing a common ROCK!" Quillmane "the rock" laughs Maniacally.
"UM...I..can..um. I can still totally see you." Coyotee points out as Quillmane jumps up suddenly, forcing the reporter back a step.
"Oh DO YOU? But now the rock is GONE! And in it's place, as if by magic.." Quillmane stretches on his back legs holding his wings high above his head.
"A TREE! Oh HO Coyotee Sharptongue! Never did you expect to interview a ROCK and a TREE in the SAME DAY!" Quillmane laughs triumphantly.
"But..you're NOT a tree. Or a rock. You don't even LOOK like a tree or a rock." Coyotee points out as Quillmane lowers a wing in front of his face like a mustache and stretches out a cupped fist as if holding on to something.
"What are you doing?" Coyotee asks suspiciously as he watches the
"What are you doing?" Quillmane asks back, in his own voice as Coyotee looks on in annoyance.
"Okay. Stop copying me." The reporter orders angrily.
"Okay. Stop copying me." Quillmane mimics in equal anger.
"Oh for the love of PETE! You don't even LOOK like me. You don't SOUND like me, and why are you doing that mustache thing? I don't even HAVE a mustache!" The cat man erupts as he throws his hands in the air in frustration.
"What's wrong Coyotee?" Quillmane taunts.
"Can't look into the mirror, can't handle the TRUE STORY?" Quillmane laughs smugly before suddenly freezing and looking alarmed.
"Here comes the TRUE test! BEHOLD! A mage attempts to seek out the great QUILLMANE! Instead, all that he will find, will be a simple brook, babbling gently through the Karanas!" He states as he throws himself to the ground and starts making "Whooshing" noises softly.
Coyotee stares blankly at the whoosing griffon and shakes his head.
"What are you doing NOW?" The reporter asks in defeat.
A rumpled mage, looking more than a little disgruntled moves towards Coyotee, his shoulders slumped in exhaustion.
"Well met Vah Shir. Tell me, have you seen a griffon by the name of Quillmane around here? I've been looking for three days, and I'm at the end of my rope." The Mage sighs as Coyotee looks on in amazement.
"He's. Right. There." Coyotee states as he points to the brook.
The mage looks elated and releived as he looks towards Quillmane, then looks right past him.
"Where? Past that babbling brook??" The mage asks excitedly.
Coyotee stares at him in shocked disbelief.
"No..he's..right..there." Coyotee says incredulously as he points at the still "whooshing" Quillmane.
"Are you saying, that Quillmane is swimming in this creek?" The mage asks skeptically as he studies Quillmane then Coyotee.
"Are you BLIND? That's NOT A CREEK! That's QUILLMANE!" The reporter shouts at the poor caster.
"Look pal. If you haven't SEEN him, just say so! I've been at this THREE days! I'm in NO mood for some stupid Vah Shir making STUPID jokes." The mage scolds as he stomps away in anger.
Coyotee simply stands there, unable to comprehend what just occured.
"Buh..he..who." The cat man babbles as Quillmane stands up slowly, dusting off his feathers.
My power is beyond your understanding." The griffon smiles smugly as Coyotee shakes his head and turns back towards the camera.
"Rare spawn? Hunted to extinction? Just WHAT is the secret behind the ever elusive Quillmane? This reporter has found the answers, as unexpected as they may be." Coyotee concludes as Quillmane pulls his wing in front of his face, copying Coyotee once again.
"It seems Magi are so burned out on KEI, that they can't see the.." Coyotee turns to Quillmane.
"It seems Magi are so burned out on KEI, that they can't see the.." Quillmane echoes as he turns towards the reporter.
"The forest through the trees. For Ten Ton Hammer News, this is the REAL Coyotee Sharptongue. Back to you Tom and Diane." The Vah Shir concludes shaking his head.
"The forest through the trees. For Ten Ton Hammer News, this is the REAL Coyotee Sharptongue. Back to you Tom and Diane." Quillmane mimic's Coyotee's head shaking as he looks into the camera.
The scene slowly fades to black, but as the feed cuts to static you can hear Coyotee faintly cursing in the background.
"Will you CUT it OUT?" Coyotee growls dangerously.
"Will you CUT it OUT?" Quillmane growls back.
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