EQ2 Bloopers - Robot Chicken Style
EQ2 Humor by Coyote
A large cat man sits in a plush leather chair as he grins happily into the camera and lazily swirls a wine glass full of milk.
"Bloopers. Blunders. Short clips that have no place anywhere else.." The large Kerran preludes as he sips from the milk.
"We have no robot and we have no chicken, but what we do have are several shorts that probably infringe on that copyright in several places." The cat man chuckles as he finishes the milk.
"So sit back and relax as we bring you more news clips that didn't quite make it - that is until our lawyers tell us that we are being sued." He chuckles lightly and points to a large white screen that has the number "3" glowing in its center.
The screen comes to life as the number beings to count down from;
Several mostly naked men are gathered around a large oval table as they laugh and happily study the cards in their hands. Large piles of clothing can be seen next to a few of the men as they slap cards on the table in rapid succession, the merriment and laughter growing with each dealt hand.
"Read'em and weep!" A burly Barbarian says as he slams down a card, causing the other men to groan in defeat.
Stripping off his pants, an Elven Ranger shakes his head and throws the item of clothing on the table.
"I tell ya guys, Legends of Norrath may be FUN, but whoever invented STRIP Legends of Norrath is a friggin GENIUS!" A laughing human male grins as he tosses his shirt into the pile of clothing.
The men laugh in agreement and begin dealing the cards once again as a small, mostly nude Halfling male speaks up.
"Yeah! And maybe NEXT time we can invite some GIRLS!" The Halfling grins widely, before slowly looking down, his eyes growing sad.
The gathered group of warriors suddenly stop playing as they all awkwardly look downward. Sorrow, regret, and sadness paint their faces as the Eleven Ranger begins to softly cry.
A large cat man holding a microphone stands in front of an angry looking crowd as he
grins excitedly into the camera.
"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News reporting to you LIVE from what seems to be a public outcry and rage, here within the fair city of Qeynos!" The Kerran announces as the camera pans to a large group of men who angrily shake their fists and rabble rouse loudly.
"Standing with me today is the organizer of this protest.." The reporter begins as he
suddenly ducks, dodging a piece of flying debris. "..Osmin Cobblepot. Osmin, what exactly is going on here, and is it getting out of hand?" Coyotee asks excitedly as the crowd roars in rage.
Grabbing the microphone, an angry looking gnome snarls loudly as he raises his fist in
"I'll tell you what is going on today Coyotee! The people are SICK of being given scraps and recycled promises, and WE AREN'T GOING TO TAKE IT A MOMENT LONGER!" Osmin roars causing the crowd to all but explode in response.
"Yes, but what? WHAT aren't you going to take?" Coyotee asks eagerly as he tries to get to the bottom of the story."
"Ruins of Kunark! That's what! The mounts that they are going to give us are
UNACCEPTABLE! And we won't stand for them a MOMENT LONGER!" Osmin shouts again, the crowd echoing his words loudly as more debris flies, and those gathered get further out of hand.
Slightly confused, the reporter looks around before leaning in for clarification.
"The mounts? The Ruins of Kunark haven't even been opened yet! What is wrong with the mounts?" Coyotee asks as Osmin rolls his eyes in disgust.
"What is wrong? What is WRONG? Here! Let me SHOW YOU Coyotee!" The mob leader snarls as he gestures off camera.
The camera pans to a large Paladin slowly moving into frame. He sits perched in his
saddle which is connected to what seems to be a drunken human crawling on all fours.
Stopping to wave the camera, the drunken man wobbles unsteadily before being spurred by the Paladin and resuming his crawl.
Blinking in stunned disbelief, the cat man raises a hand and points at the Knight and his "steed".
"What the hell is that?" Coyotee asks bluntly as he gestures to the pair.
"EXACTLY Coyotee! EXACTLY!. I mean winos? They are giving us WINOS?!" Osmin spits in disgust. "Oh sure, they're cheap, and lets face it - fun to kick - but they smell
horrible, drink WAY too much, and have almost NO movement rate!" The gnome sighs as he shakes his head.
"Rhinos." Coyotee says flatly as he looks at the Paladin teetering unsteadily upon the drunk's back.
"..uh..what?" Osmin asks with widening eyes as dawning comprehension spans his face.
"Rhinos. They are giving you RHINOS." The Reporter says, unamused as the Paladin spurs his mount as it reaches for a half eaten apple core just out of reach.
"Goddamnit Frank - get that thing out of here!" Osmin whispers harshly to the Paladin.
"Yes..ahem. As..as..we were saying. We're gathered here in CELEBRATION of the new mounts that..um...crap." The small man sighs as he puts his head in his hands.
Rearing up on his hind legs and toppling his rider the "mount" waves to the camera.
"Hi Mom!" He says drunkenly as the camera quickly cuts to static.
A large group of Qeynos Guards roughly pin down a small Halfling who squeals in protest as they batter him into submission, attempting to arrest the twisting and thrashing man.
"But..OW! It isn't MINE! I OW! Cudditout! Ow! I was framed!" The Halfling cries out as he reaches an imploring hand to the Guard Captain who stands by and watches with a grim face.
Reaching into a large box beside the mail kiosk, the Guard Captain pulls out its
contents and holds it out for the struggling Halfling to see.
Closing his eyes tightly, the now sobbing Halfling tries to look away from the bloody
skull that the head Officer now holds out before him.
"You expect me to believe that the ghost of Granel Rucksif sent you THIS in the mail
because you broke into his "haunted house"?" The Captain growls as the weeping Halfling is hoisted to his feet.
"Yes! YES! HE DID! HE REALLY DID! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!" The Halfling sobs as he looks imploringly at the guard.
"A ghost. Left his home and used the Norrathian Postal service, filling out a package
form with your proper address and sent you, postage paid, a severed head." The Guard
Captain states flatly for clarification.
"I KNOW HOW IT SOUNDS BUT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!" The Halfling screams as tears run his face.
"Maybe you'll talk more when we get you down town. Get this piece of garbage out of my sight." The Officer spits as he instructs the men holding the Halfling who is dragged away screaming.
"God damn sickos. What is Norrath coming to?" The Captain asks himself rhetorically as he stares into the box, his face grim with disgust.
A large half naked cat-man stands stripped to the waist in what seems to be a poorly lit hole deep under ground. He looks ups hopefully as a bucket is lowered towards him, a
large bottle bobbing chaotically in the container as the Kerran screams upwards.
"Hello!!! HELLO!! Who is up there?!? HELP ME!" He cries frantically as a dark figure is silhouetted against the hole's mouth.
Lucan DLere peers over the edge of the pit, his face caked and smeared with makeup as he slowly pets his own arm which is covered in harshly sewn fur.
"H..hello?" The cat man calls out hesitantly as the bucket dangles in front of him.
"It rubs the conditioner on its fur. It does this when it is told." Lucan instructs in a throaty voice as he purrs, lavishly displaying his fur covered body.
"I...I..just want to go home.." The Kerran begins to cry as he reaches for the bottle of conditioner, tears glistening his face.
Standing over the pit's edge and watching his captor's progress, Lucan begins to do a odd dance while applying more make up to his already coated face.
"Would you PWN me?" He asks sexily as he purses his lips. "I'd PWN me. I'd PWN me HARD." He purrs as he continues his strange shuffle as the camera instantly cuts to static.
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