EQ2 Interviews: Even MORE Bloopers
EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue
A large Kerran lounges in an extremely comfortable looking reclining chair as he looks up with a smile.
"Ahh, welcome back." The cat man greets with a smile as he pulls his crushed velvet smoking jacket around him and straightens in the chair. "As you may know, reporting the news takes time, dedication, and a professional attitude that not all possess." He informs as he reaches for a wine glass of milk.
"Yet even the most seasoned reporter can find himself caught off guard or in a situation that he has no control over." The cat man chuckles as he swirls the drink lazily. "And when those situations occur....well..let's just say that it's often less than pretty." He preludes as he motions towards a large white screen that glows softly with a embossed number "3".
"For your viewing pleasure we bring you the next installment of EverQuest II Interviews: The Blooper Reels." The Kerran grins as the camera focuses on the large "3" that begins its countdown.
"The Avatars. Emissaries to the Gods themselves who have been given physical form so that they may speak for the Deities whom they represent." A large Kerran holding a microphone looks intently into the camera as he walks through a rocky landscape coming to rest at the foot of a large cliff face.
"But what happens when these voices aren't heard? When the Avatars themselves refuse to show? Complaints voiced throughout Norrath have fallen on deaf, or in most cases - missing ears as we investigate the validity of these grumblings. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you the true story." The cat man says with seriousness as he turns towards the rock face.
"Standing with me today is voice of the Gods, and Avatar to..the.." Coyotee looks around in confusion before looking off scene.
"Where the hell is the Avatar?" He asks an unseen figure off camera. Blinking at a muffled response, he turns around incredulously?
"What? Up to TWO WEEKS? Are you KIDDING me?" Coyotee exclaims as he repeats the unheard answer. Looking at his microphone then towards the camera, the cat man laughs bitterly and tosses the speaking device to the ground.
"Two weeks. Feh. F*** this." He chuckles as he walks off scene leaving the camera rolling as it films the blank cliff face.
"Server Merges. The words the Gods use to describe the fusing of two separate realities into one. But how does this affect our own reality? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this...what the hell?" The Kerran reporter's normal intro falters as he watches what appears to be a poorly designed duplicate of himself step into the camera's view.
While the stranger strongly resembles the Kerran reporter, his clothing is badly skewed, his fur is ruff and uncut and he looks oddly pale in contrast to the healthy looking Coyotee. Ignoring the original, the newly arrived Reporter looks into the camera and begins his own news cast.
"Server NOT Merge. Them am words that Gods NOT use to describe fusin' of two same fake-ities into NOT one. But how am this not affect me own reality? This NOT am Bizarro Coyotee not for Ten Ton Feather news NOT bringing you this...huh?" The false Coyotee blinks as he notices his counter part for the first time.
"Who the HELL are you?" Coyotee asks as he looks at his disheveled twin in disbelief.
"Me not am Bizarro Coyotee. Who not YOU?" Bizarro Coyotee asks indignantly as the original blinks in confusion.
"What? Bizarro..Coyotee? HUH?" The real reporter stammers as he looks around for an explanation.
"Look. It not simple." Bizarro Coyotee sighs. "Servers not merge so now there not two Coyotees. You not from you world, me not from mine." He says with a roll of his eyes. "Now you not shut up. Me trying to do news." Bizarro instructs as he turns towards the camera and unstraightens his tie.
Absolutely stunned, the real Coyotee looks around again, half expecting a prank of some sort before turning back to his other world counterpart.
"Look. FREAKO. *I'm* trying to do the news here." Coyotee growls as he interrupts Bizarro.
"Then me NOT trying to do news!" Bizarro counters smugly.
"Stop it." Coyotee growls dangerously.
"Start it!" Bizarro growls back.
"We both can't do the news - WHY am I even explaining this to you?!" Coyotee roars as he turns to fully face his twin. "This is MY story and I'm STAYING." He says with determination as he crosses his arms.
"This is NOT my story and me am GOING!" Bizarro roars as he turns and stomps offset, leaving the original reporter standing in absolute confusion.
Watching his doppelganger storm off, Coyotee puts a his head in his hands and shakes it slightly.
"....this is not going to end well." He whispers as the camera slowly fades to black.
"THIS AM GUNNA END WELL!" Someone screams from off scene as the camera quickly blares to white.
The scene is cut to without introduction as what appears to be a large Ogre wearing a fluffy pink "Bunny" costume violently shakes a very ruffed up Kerran.
Broken eggs and a mangled basket lay at their feet mixing with a crushed microphone as the Ogre continues his frantic pummeling of the hapless reporter.
"Say me EASTER BUNNY! YOU SAY ME EASTER BUNNY!" The nightmarish bunny-ogre roars angrily as he throttles the cat man who appears unable to reply as the scene once again cuts to static.
"The Sword of Destiny. Rumors of a quest that gives a weapon more powerful than we mere mortals can imagine have spread far and wide across the face of Norrath. But what exactly is this quest? And how can we obtain this power? This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news, bringing you this EXCLUSIVE event." A large Kerran holding a microphone grins happily into the camera.
"Standing with me today is a man who can not only confirm the rumors of these items, but who can also tell us more about this quest. Local Qeynosian Historian and Rare Art Dealer, Francis Trendy." Coyotee introduces as the camera pans towards a small but very fashionably dressed Gnome. "Francis, what light can you shed on this mystery?" The reporter asks as the Gnome smiles widely.
"Hello NORRATH!" Francis greets with gusto as he grabs the microphone. "I can tell you this Coyotee, it's a COLLECTION quest!" He adds with a light laugh.
"A collection quest? That gives a weapon of ultimate power?" The reporter asks incredulously. "What is it that you are gathering? Rare magical components? Parts of the weapon itself?" Coyotee asks in true interest as the Gnome reaches into a sack at his side.
"You have to collect all fifty of THESE!" Francis says triumphantly as he holds out a small statue for the reporter's inspection.
"Its a small...naked man." Coyotee says slowly as he examines the figurine. "A small..naked...anatomically CORRECT man." He adds as his eyes widen considerably.
"Its a statue." Francis says in a creepy voice as he runs his hands over the smooth marble sculpture.
"Of..um..a naked man." Coyotee points out as the gnome looks up with an annoyed frown.
"It is ART." The Gnome snips indignantly as he looks back at the statue with wanting eyes. "You see, each statue represents a hero, an adventurer, a man who truly influenced Norrath, and helped shape it to the visage we see today." He explains as he gently sets down the statue and picks up another.
"Did...did they do it naked?" The reporter asks hesitantly as the gnome fondles another of the statues.
"Naked? No! Don't be silly." Francis scolds as he rolls his eyes. "Their nudity is SYMBOLIC of the way they bared their very SOULS to the world in order to shape it." He sighs as he picks up the first, examining the two side by side.
Looking around, obviously uncomfortable, Coyotee clears his throat as he watches the strange little man.
"So...um...uh..wow. What else can you tell us about this quest?" The reporter asks as Francis brightens considerably.
"OH! And they snap together like this so you don't LOSE them!" The gnome explains as he joins the two nude figures, the film instantly blurring out around the gesture, hiding the actual fitting from view.
"OH GOD THAT'S OBSCENE!" The horrified reporter yelps as he backs away from the small gnome.
"THAT IS ART YOU PRUDE!" Francis roars as Coyotee turns quickly to the camera.
"Goodnight folks!" The reporter says quickly as he makes cutting gestures to the camera man, much to the angry protests of the Gnome who begins to wave several of the nude figurines in front of the camera.
"You can't stop Art! You can't -" Francis's cries and statues are cut off as the camera mercifully fades to black.
To read the latest guides, news, and features you can visit our EverQuest II Game Page.